Setting boundaries is no more than communicating what you expect from the other person. All people need boundaries in their life. Some boundaries are harder to set than others say like the Internet and Cell Phones for that raging hormone peer-pleasing teen.

The difficulty with setting boundaries gets harder when your children are adults however if you’ve set clear boundaries growing up it isn’t a problem, maybe a conversation or to reclarify.

As a teen I was raised by my grandparents so I skipped a generation, meaning my parents were from deep poverty and the war generation. I went to live with them at 14 years old as a troubled teen. Boundaries were clearly needed.

Here are just a few

No phone calls after 9PM

In bed by 10PM

No leaving the house after 9PM

Curfew was midnight sharp!

Doors to the room were left open unless needed for privacy

Could only drive the car to take Granny shopping, run family errands, to school and back, basketball, special school dances, to write for school or local newspaper.

Once I started working I had to pay Gramps $8 a week for gas and the extra $50 a year it cost to add me to the insurance policy.

No sleepovers

Had to meet every date and friends

Today’s challenges

The biggest challenge faced by a pre-teen and teen is the Internet and Social media. Neither was around in my day. I didn’t buy my first computer until 1991.

If you start setting boundaries very early in life with will be much easier to set them with an emotional teen. One of the biggest challenges is peer pressure at this age and you will have to stand on what is appropriate for your specific child, are responsible enough, and is there a reason.

Now there are a few things to remember, I grew up in a strict environment and believe the boundaries and consequences are appropriate for a healthy relationship.

You have the opportunity to set boundaries are soon as your child is a toddler and the more boundaries as they get older. Be prepared for meltdowns, calling names, which is another boundary to set, and being mad at you.

If you want to try to be a friend to your child all their life you can stop reading here. I don’t buy into that style of parenting.

One of the first things that might come up is what language is appropriate to use in the house, for example calling names.

We’ll eat at dinner time and not in the bedroom. Even if your child is studying, they need a break from the books and this is your time to communicate with your child. How was their day?

A big bone of contention is the Internet and Cell phones. This is where you will get the most push because this is one huge peer pressure in your pre/teen’s life.

If your child is under 16 years old, but the computer is in an open but quiet part of the house to use. After they reach 16 or are very mature and responsible for their age you can move into their bedroom. The key here is, having a tracking device and blocking sites and apps they can use. Also, give them a limit to how long they have per day to use the computer. If the whole time is taken up for doing school work, too bad they have to wait until the next day.

The other teaching experience is learning responsibility and this can be done by boundaries. If you give your child an allowance, determine how much they should pay you for the computer and phone. Make them save for it. If they don’t save, it’s not that important or they are not responsible enough.

My granny knew how bad I wanted a camera, she said if I would save half she would pay for the other half. That was so appreciated because I didn’t expect it. Those lessons from my grandparents set me up for some great lessons in life. 

Like I said, I’m strict and believe that many problems today are created by the Internet and children’s exposure at too young of an age.

Cell phones are another battle with children. There is so much peer pressure. You have to decide if the phone is needed, are they responsible enough to keep up with it or buy a new one themselves. Same if they lose it. If the child is working, I would have them pay a portion of the bill.

Make sure you buy the lowest Data plan, put a tracker on, and block sites. You are to have the code to the phone at all times and be free to read text. This is not only setting boundaries it’s teaching them responsibility.

A crucial part of setting boundaries is there will be times when they need to be broken, that’s life and you have to monitor the reasons. If there is a mass shooting, they can use all the data they have in one day! The key is communication and understanding why they ran out of data if it’s not apparent. It’s critical that you let your child know you are monitoring their computer and phone activity. If you sneak around you’ll have a hard time gaining their trust again. If they know up front, they have to make wise decisions or not be smart enough to try. It’s that simple. 

As your children move out and learn to spread their wings, you’ll have to set new boundaries. But that’s for another post.

Melinda

 

Anyone can experience depression whether it’s situational, like the COVID crisis, chronic pain, illness, or mental illness. I have Bipolar Disorder, which means although my moods can swing from highs to lows, most of the time I’m depressed. I was first diagnosed at 19 years old but didn’t seek treatment until 28 years old after my father committed suicide.

A few examples of what depression has looked like for me

Your family sends someone over to check on you since they haven’t heard from you in days/weeks

Sleep for 22 hours a day

Don’t shower for weeks

Can’t remember when you ate

Your mailbox is so full the postman stops delivering mail

Emotional eating or buying

Feel deep guilt over lying to family and friends for years trying to hide your depression

You are numb, empty inside

It’s been eight months and five new prescriptions and still no improvement

The doctor tells you if you cancel another appointment he will fire you and you almost drive off the freeway on the way home

To depressed to take your medication no matter how bad you want to

Drink to much

Have a detailed plan on how you will commit suicide

The normal mood is depression, you are taking medication just to get you above the line to normal happy

Taken over 60 medications or combinations of medicines

Had 21 Electro Shock Treatments

Spent multiple weeks, multiple times in a Psychiatric hospital

Divorced because husband didn’t believe you were depressed

Cut off contact with everyone in an effort not to have to explain what’s going on or where you were

Lose your job on the third day because you can’t get out of bed

Don’t fill your prescriptions because you can’t drive one mile

These are a few examples of the struggles I’ve had with Bipolar Disorder for 40 years. The blessing is I have an exceptional Psychopharmacologist and Therapist who I’ve been seeing for 30 plus years. My doctor has been tough on me, never allowed me to make excuses, and taught me how to explain my feelings in an effort to prescribe the right type of medication. He strongly recommended I seek out therapy which I did and have never looked back.

Therapy doesn’t help control my depression but allows me to process the anxiety, guilt, and emotions I have from being depressed.

There is light

There is light at the end of the tunnel, sometimes you can’t even see a glimmer but there’s always light at the other end.

Please don’t try to deal with your depression alone, even if it’s situational depression, like a death or divorce, everyone needs emotional support. Go talk to someone.

Keep a log of your feelings by day the best you can in order to share those raw emotions with a Psychiatrist or Therapist. Raw feelings will help me get to the root of any issue much quicker than going to an appointment saying I’m depressed without clear examples.

If your general physician is prescribing your medication and you are still experiencing depression please seek out a professional with specialized training. A general doctor doesn’t have the in-depth knowledge of medications or about ongoing depression to get you to the other side.

A Psychopharmacologist is the best type of doctor if you have long-term or complex depression. They are a Psychiatrist with extra years of training in brain function among other things. The reason he has meant so much to me is he can determine what part of my brain needs stimulation and can prescribe very specific medications. They are more expensive and your insurance may not pay the entire amount but it’s worth every penny. I would not be alive today if it weren’t for my doctor.

If you don’t suffer from long-term depression I would start with a Psychiatrist and go from there.

Melinda

Depression is like a sludge that permeates the brain.

It burrows in and makes you feel out of touch,

With hollow eyes and a soul with no pain.

You pray for better days,

Only to feel like you are on a one-way train.

You’ve been here before and will feel it again.

Take medication, therapy, even meditate,

Only to feel trapped in time,

Feeling no gain.

Melinda

Moving is always stressful, there’s no way around that. Every step of the process, from selling your property to settling into your new home involves one anxiety or another, but the good news is that you can make it go more smoothly by stepping back and taking some time to plan things out. 

Planning for the Move

As soon as you know that you’ll be moving house, you should start planning for moving day. If you’re moving somewhere that may present difficulties, then you need to plan ahead accordingly. For example, moving to a high-rise apartment will create challenges such as navigating the limited space in your new home. 

Other potential complications could occur if you’re moving to a new country. You will have to navigate different rules and regulations and make sure that you familiarize yourself with how buying/renting a house works in the new country, as well as the logistics of moving there. 

Packing 

Preparation also helps when it comes to packing. Rather than leaving everything to the last minute, it’s best to start packing when you have a moving date in mind. This also gives you an opportunity to sort through your belongings and decide what you need to keep or what can be thrown away. Moving is always a good time to clear out your things.

Pack up non-essential items first. You can store them in boxes in your home, but many people chose to use a self-storage service to get things out of the way. This also gives you a safe place to stash them and makes things easier on moving days.

The sooner you start packing, the quicker and less stressful the moving day will be. If you can have most things packed away before you make the move, then all you have to do is shift the furniture and a few things that you had to keep with you. 

Hire a Mover

Moving to another home typically involves moving large objects, like furniture, from one place to another. While you may be able to fit some things in your car, your furniture will prove more tricky. 

This is where hiring a local removalist comes in handy. Movers have a van capable of transporting plenty of large furniture, and they also have the skill to move it safely and efficiently. A mover can also pick up your things from storage services and makes a stressful house move far easier to cope with. 

Unpacking and Cleaning

Once everything is in your new house, it’s tempted to crash there and then. However, you won’t be able to settle down and relax until you’re completely unpacked. Work room by room, starting with vital rooms and large items.

Once all the furniture is in place, you can clean up and work with your smaller items. You might not be able to get everything sorted out the day you move in, but it’s best to get at least a couple of rooms done as soon as possible. 

This is a collaborative post.

Melinda

According to a recent study, “we produce up to 50,000 thoughts a day and 70% to 80% of those are negative”. While this may not seem like a major issue (especially if everyone is doing this), negativity takes up more space in our lives than it deserves. After all, a negative mindset impacts our lives in more ways than one and often takes its toll on our mental well-being too. 

With that in mind, here are some top tips that you can use to combat negative thinking. 

• Ask Yourself: Do I really feel that way? Negative thoughts are vindictive – they try to trick us into believing our worst thoughts about ourselves (and others) are true. As a result, whenever you find your mind slipping into negativity, question it immediately. For example, if you’ve fallen out of love with your reflection in the mirror, ask yourself whether you feel that way, or if society (or societal standards) has tried to make you feel that way. Remember that you are beautiful just the way you are – and tell yourself this several times a day. 

• Seek professional help. As evidenced above, negative thinking is not uncommon. However, when it consumes your every waking moment, you may want to consider reaching out to a professional who can help you find a healthier way to process your feelings. For example, psychologists will not only help you develop a more positive mindset, but they will also be able to help you get to the root of these feelings, figuring out why you may feel that way in the first place. When we can find the cause of our feelings, we can start a new chapter in our lives. Furthermore, this will help you to develop a range of coping techniques and mechanisms that you can utilize whenever negativity seeps into your daily life. 

• Practice mediation. Mediation is another excellent technique that you can rely on when it comes to adopting a more positive mindset, due to the fact that it’s often associated with greater emotional clarity and mental wellbeing. As such, you should try to find a way into meditation, even if you’ve found it difficult in the past. Remember, meditation doesn’t necessarily mean you have to follow a lengthy tape and try different breathing exercises. Sitting in quiet contemplation can also be a great way to collect your feelings. 

• Repeat positive affirmations in the mirror. Negative thinking is often linked with low self-esteem, due to the fact that negative thoughts will slowly chip away at your confidence. Repeating positive affirmations out loud to yourself can, therefore, be a great way to escape this vicious circle. Each time you find yourself thinking negatively about yourself, be that regarding your looks, intelligence or personality, immediately say three positive things about yourself out loud. While this may not seem all that fruitful, it tricks your brain into becoming gradually more positive and helps you to be kinder to yourself as you realize just how great you truly are. 

This is a collaborative post.

Melinda

This was such a popular post I wanted to share it again for those who missed it.

If you are feeling stressed, overwhelmed, or just plain down in the dumps, mindfulness may be a good option for you. It is an ancient practice that has been shown to reduce stress and promote well-being.

What is Mindfulness?

Mindfulness is defined as purposely focusing one’s awareness on the present moment while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations. 

This should not be confused with meditation; mindfulness is merely a way to become more aware of yourself and your surroundings. By practicing mindfulness regularly, you will eventually find yourself carrying these habits into everyday activities such as cooking, listening to music, and even cleaning.

How To Practice Mindfulness

Observe your surroundings without judgment 

Without judgment simply means that you aren’t judging whether or not something is good or bad; you are merely observing what is there.

Accepting thoughts without judging them trains the brain not to react emotionally to thoughts that previously would have caused upset or distraction. This allows you to break free from automatic reactions that are no longer useful, freeing up previously used energy for unnecessary thought processes. 

In addition, mindfulness helps you to learn how to get out of “mental traps” by giving you the distance between stimulus and response instead of the immediacy that has been ingrained in people from years of conditioning.

Photo by Diego Madrigal from Pexels

The practice of mindfulness encourages you to observe your thoughts and emotions as they present themselves without judgment and with a desire to improve. This differs from people’s method of ruminating or worrying because those two behaviors can become cyclical and lead to habitual patterns that cause stress, anxiety, and depression. 

When practicing mindfulness, you are taking up your rightful position as an observer that has control over your brain function rather than being your brain function.

When you allow stressful thoughts and feelings to exist without judging them as good or bad, helpful or unhelpful, productive or unproductive, they tend to dissipate more easily on their own, so you can resume thinking about what’s most important right now.

Accept your feelings and bodily sensations 

Remember: These feelings might be uncomfortable, but they are there. Accept that you are feeling what you are feeling without trying to change it or push it away.

Even though mindfulness helps a person regulate their emotions better by creating more distance between stimulus and response, it is helpful not to ignore emotions that arise but rather to allow them to exist without necessarily reacting. 

Being watchful of your surroundings can help you learn how best to respond in a given situation while taking into consideration any impulses that may accompany emotional responses. One way this might manifest itself is through a greater focus on rationality rather than emotionality when making decisions. 

Photo by olia danilevich from Pexels

So as not to fall prey to gut instincts or instinctual urges from past conditioning, which have been proven over time by scientific research not always lead down the most optimal paths for positive outcomes.

It is important not to let thoughts turn into action without first evaluating their consequences carefully. The goal should be to empower oneself by changing behaviors that don’t align with core values while turning down the volume on less helpful impulsivity. 

Practicing mindfulness can help to reduce poor decision-making (such as excessive “night owl” behavior that stops the body from getting enough sleep) and increase emotional regulation when tempted with harmful or unhealthy impulses such as drugs, alcohol, and excessive buying. 

Mindfulness is a great way to maintain control over your life and make sure temporary feelings and emotions do not rule you in response to external stimuli.

Be in the present moment

Training the brain to be present in the present moment instead of thinking about the past or worrying about the future allows for a fuller life experience free from excessive stress, anxiety, and negative emotions. 

Mindfulness not only helps you become more aware, but it also provides an opportunity for gratitude and appreciation when you take time to enjoy everyday experiences. 

In this way, mindfulness may affect higher-order brain functions such as emotional regulation and empathy through changes in daily thought patterns that influence a person’s interactions with others.

Photo by Quang Nguyen Vinh from Pexels

Mindfulness allows you to make a shift from autopilot mode to manual control of your life. You can let go of unnecessary stress and anxiety while feeling calmer, more centered, and grounded in who you are as an individual rather than being swept away by uncontrolled thoughts and feelings that cloud your judgment or lead to reactionary behavior. 

By practicing mindfulness, you can take back the reins of your mind so that you may direct them toward activities that feel fulfilling and purposeful instead of engaging in unproductive psychological loops that cause regret.

This brings you back into the moment where mindfulness becomes easier because your mind is calmer and quieter than before. Although it is normal for emotions like anger to arise occasionally (and sometimes often), reacting impulsively generally does not lead people toward healthy long-term outcomes.

How Long Should One Practice Mindfulness?

By practicing mindfulness regularly for fifteen minutes each day, people can train themselves through daily self-monitoring to become more conscious of what they’re feeling at any given moment. 

This may be challenging at first because it requires you to turn off autopilot mode and be conscious of every choice you make instead of just letting life happen. However, it will become easier to be aware of your thoughts and feelings throughout the day with time.

Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

You will notice that once you begin practicing mindfulness on a regular basis, you will feel calmer throughout the day by simply observing what’s going on around you without reacting emotionally. 

You’ll find yourself more grounded at the moment instead of feeling stressed out about things left unresolved in the past or hazy uncertainties floating around in the future. You may even begin to see that some of your previously unproductive thought patterns are associated with certain people, places, or events that you had assumed were beyond your control.

How Do One Get Better At Being Mindful?

Being mindful isn’t something that you are born knowing how to do or not know how to do; it’s about practicing these three steps until they become second nature.

Mindfulness has various benefits for both physical and mental health.

The Benefits Of Mindfulness

Reduce Depression and Anxiety

Studies have shown that it can reduce blood pressure, improve immune function, reduce anxiety and depression symptoms, enhance emotional processing after a stressful event occurs, increase focus on tasks at hand rather than worrying about past experiences or future concerns.

Helps To Remain In The Moment

Mindfulness practices help individuals reduce their emotional reactivity to unpleasant life experiences and allows them to live in the present moment instead of stewing about things that have already happened or are likely to happen in the future.

Increases Focus

A study conducted with college students showed that practicing mindfulness led to better academic performance by increasing focus on coursework rather than worrying about grades or other external pressures that students may feel will determine how smart they are compared to others.

Helps To Remain In Control

Mindfulness is important for healthy individuals because they can use it as a coping mechanism in times of anxiety, stress, and sadness when they feel out of control.

Mindfulness Is For Everyone, But Might Not Be

Although mindfulness has these physical health benefits, it is important for people without any mental health problems to understand what types of situations would make them better candidates for mindfulness practices.

People In Stressful Environments

Those with mental health disorders or even normal individuals in high-stress situations may benefit the most from mindfulness exercises to help them cope with these intense life pressures.

Photo by Marcus Aurelius from Pexels

People In The Opposite Position

Although there are many benefits of mindfulness meditation, it is not necessary to practice this technique if a person does not feel like they need strategies to alleviate stress in their lives. For example, if someone’s job was not stressful but chose to practice mindfulness techniques anyway, that person would likely experience no benefits.

This is a collaborative post.

Melinda