I read a post the other day that asks, Do you shop to fill a void? I answered Hell Yes! It’s not even a secret to me, I’m well aware. The question is why?
My life is good, minus a few health issues but I consider myself on solid ground and happy in all aspects of my life including my marriage. So where’s the void?
I’ve been in therapy for thirty years and have not talked with her about this topic. It’s not like it doesn’t cross my mind sometimes but not as a topic to talk with her about. But, I’m wrong, it’s something I need to address.
Here are some great resources I’ve pulled together as I take on my journey to understanding myself. I think Patrick Wanis hit the nail on the head when he discusses how childhood needs not being met can impact your needs as an adult.
The void is made up of the empty, lonely feelings that stem from holes in our heart and soul. Sometimes these holes are fresh wounds like a breakup, death in the family, or losing our job. Sometimes they stem from something much deeper, like a lack of connection with family growing up, a childhood trauma, or hurt caused by someone in our past.
The truth is that anytime you try to distract yourself from feeling what you’re feeling, you’re avoiding the fact that you’re not whole. Something is missing, damaged or broken, and until you face it, no person or thing will ever make you feel complete.
How to fill the void.
According to Partick Wanis there are 7 Steps to fill the emotional void you are feeling. Let’s see what he has to say.
Generally speaking, we have 6 human emotional needs – love & connection, challenges, security, significance, growth, meaning & purpose. When those needs are not met, we experience an emotional void.
Children, however, have many more additional needs – attention, physical touch & affection, to be seen and heard (feeling visible, significant and understood), validation, praise, direction, encouragement, acceptance, approval, belonging, quantity and quality time, and so forth.
When those needs are not met in childhood, there will be emotional voids in adulthood. In other words, most of the emotional voids we experience as adults are the result of not having our emotional needs satisfied when we were children.
Facing the emotional void
If we choose to not face the void, find its origin and heal it, then we will most likely fill the void with all the wrong things i.e. we will engage in self-destructive behavior such as drugs, alcohol, unhealthy eating patterns, obsessive behavior, recklessness, etc. Also, when we fail to consciously face our emotional void, there is a good chance that we will be controlled by others or taken advantage of as we seek to fill that void in all the wrong ways, wrong places and with the wrong people.
You can hear more about Patrick in this article.
There’s so much conversation that needs to take place to reach an understanding of how your needs are being met, or if not what actions you can take to fill the void.
I’m going to ruminate on these paragraphs to better understand where my void is. I can easily say it’s from my childhood and that scares me and may not be an easy answer.
Generally speaking, we have 6 human emotional needs – love & connection, challenges, security, significance, growth, meaning & purpose. When those needs are not met, we experience an emotional void.
Children, however, have many more additional needs – attention, physical touch & affection, to be seen and heard (feeling visible, significant and understood), validation, praise, direction, encouragement, acceptance, approval, belonging, quantity and quality time, and so forth.
When those needs are not met in childhood, there will be emotional voids in adulthood. In other words, most of the emotional voids we experience as adults are the result of not having our emotional needs satisfied when we were children.
This is definitely a conversation to have with my therapist.
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