Dec 8, 2015 / Guy Winch

IDEAS.TED.COM

Psychologist Guy Winch shares some practical tips for soothing the sting of rejection.

Rejections are the most common emotional wound we sustain in daily life. Our risk of rejection used to be limited by the size of our immediate social circle or dating pools. Today, thanks to electronic communications, social media platforms and dating apps, each of us is connected to thousands of people, any of whom might ignore our posts, chats, texts, or dating profiles and leave us feeling rejected as a result.

In addition to these kinds of minor rejections, we are still vulnerable to serious and more devastating rejections as well. When our spouse leaves us, when we get fired from our jobs, snubbed by our friends, or ostracized by our families and communities for our lifestyle choices, the pain we feel can be absolutely paralyzing.

Whether the rejection we experience is large or small, one thing remains constant — it always hurts, and it usually hurts more than we expect it to.

The question is, why? Why are we so bothered by a good friend failing to “like” the family holiday picture we posted on Facebook? Why does it ruin our mood? Why would something so seemingly insignificant make us feel angry at our friend, moody, and bad about ourselves?

The greatest damage rejection causes is usually self-inflicted. Just when our self-esteem is hurting most, we go and damage it even further.

The answer is — our brains are wired to respond that way. When scientists placed people in functional MRI machines and asked them to recall a recent rejection, they discovered something amazing. The same areas of our brain become activated when we experience rejection as when we experience physical pain. That’s why even small rejections hurt more than we think they should, because they elicit literal (albeit, emotional) pain.

But why is our brain wired this way?

Evolutionary psychologists believe it all started when we were hunter gatherers who lived in tribes. Since we could not survive alone, being ostracized from our tribe was basically a death sentence. As a result, we developed an early warning mechanism to alert us when we were at danger of being “kicked off the island” by our tribemates — and that was rejection. People who experienced rejection as more painful were more likely to change their behavior, remain in the tribe, and pass along their genes.

Of course, emotional pain is only one of the ways rejections impact our well-being. Rejections also damage our mood and our self-esteem, they elicit swells of anger and aggression, and they destabilize our need to “belong.”

Unfortunately, the greatest damage rejection causes is usually self-inflicted. Indeed, our natural response to being dumped by a dating partner or getting picked last for a team is not just to lick our wounds but to become intensely self-critical. We call ourselves names, lament our shortcomings, and feel disgusted with ourselves. In other words, just when our self-esteem is hurting most, we go and damage it even further. Doing so is emotionally unhealthy and psychologically self-destructive yet every single one of us has done it at one time or another.

The good news is there are better and healthier ways to respond to rejection, things we can do to curb the unhealthy responses, soothe our emotional pain and rebuild our self-esteem. Here are just some of them:

Have zero tolerance for self-criticism

Tempting as it might be to list all your faults in the aftermath of a rejection, and natural as it might seem to chastise yourself for what you did “wrong” — don’t! By all means, review what happened and consider what you should do differently in the future but there is absolutely no good reason to be punitive and self-critical while doing so. Thinking “I should probably avoid talking about my ex on my next first date” is fine. Thinking “I’m such a loser!” is not.

Another common mistake we make is to assume a rejection is personal when it’s not. Most rejections, whether romantic, professional, and even social, are due to “fit” and circumstance. Going through an exhaustive search of your own deficiencies in an effort to understand why it didn’t “work out” is not only unnecessarily but misleading.

Revive your self-worth

When your self-esteem takes a hit it’s important to remind yourself of what you have to offer (as opposed to listing your shortcomings). The best way to boost feelings of self-worth after a rejection is to affirm aspects of yourself you know are valuable.

Make a list of five qualities you have that are important or meaningful — things that make you a good relationship prospect (e.g., you are supportive or emotionally available), a good friend (e.g., you are loyal or a good listener), or a good employee (e.g., you are responsible or have a strong work ethic).

Then choose one of them and write a quick paragraph or two (write, don’t just do it in your head) about why the quality matters to others, and how you would express it in the relevant situation. Applying emotional first aid in this way will boost your self-esteem, reduce your emotional pain and build your confidence going forward.

Boost feelings of connection

As social animals, we need to feel wanted and valued by the various social groups with which we are affiliated. Rejection destabilizes our need to belong, leaving us feeling unsettled and socially untethered.

Therefore, we need to remind ourselves that we’re appreciated and loved so we can feel more connected and grounded. If your work colleagues didn’t invite you to lunch, grab a drink with members of your softball team instead. If your kid gets rejected by a friend, make a plan for them to meet a different friend instead and as soon as possible. And when a first date doesn’t return your texts, call your grandparents and remind yourself that your voice alone brings joy to others.

Rejection is never easy but knowing how to limit the psychological damage it inflicts, and how to rebuild your self-esteem when it happens, will help you recover sooner and move on with confidence when it is time for your next date or social event.

Illustration by Dawn Kim for TED.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Guy Winch is a licensed psychologist who is a leading advocate for integrating the science of emotional health into our daily lives. His three TED Talks have been viewed over 20 million times, and his science-based self-help books have been translated into 26 languages. He also writes the Squeaky Wheel blog for PsychologyToday.com and has a private practice in New York City.

Writing Prompts For The February Link-Up Party

Each month Sheryl from A Chronic Voice does a link-up party and this month’s writing prompts are Defining, Saving, Allocating, Educating, and Uniting. I choose three of the five writing prompts, Defining, Saving, and Allocating. This is my first link-up party and I look forward to joining in more often during 2021.

The purpose of the Link Up Party is for people with chronic illnesses to use writing prompts to share aspects of their life that may help or motivate others to live their best lives. A Chronic Voice has been doing the monthly writing prompts since 2017 and the post contributed each month are very interesting, educational, and motivating, and sometimes very funny.

Defining

I’m defining who I want o to be, what I want each day to look like, and most importantly, how I want to act. It’s so easy to go with the flow when you chronically ill, we have every reason too. What I want to do is define what my life is going to look like for all the days I can control. I know there will be days I won’t live up to my expectations and that’s okay, it’s not a failure, it’s reality. I need to clear my head and get back to what my goals are and what am I working for in the way of self-improvement. It only takes a small amount of effort to be nice, and I want to work harder at taking that extra step to help people and not be the naysayer.

Saving

This month I’m saving my energy for my health by getting enough rest and sleep. I’m saving a ton of energy by staying away from negativity, and also being more aware of how much time I spend on social media. I already limit my news watching to one hour a day but there are many headlines thrown at you while you’re on the Internet that can be very distracting. I’m working harder to not look at the headlines, for all I know its fake news. Staying clear and focused on my goals will save energy. If I’m doing the actions to support my goals every day then there isn’t time to waste on energy drainers.

Allocating

I’m allocating time to expand the types of posts I write, one way is by reading books that have been gifted for reviews. I’ve worked hard to transition my blog, Looking For The Light to a Health and Lifestyle blog, not one focused solely on my chronic illnesses. Another way I’m allocating is thru time spent on reading, researching, and taking more time to write each post. Not worrying about a schedule as much. On the health front, my hips are causing me tremendous pain and have even disrupted my sleep for months now. The doctor has increased my meds and has me scheduled for a CT Scan of both hips next week. This is on top of the everyday Fibromyalgia pain I have. I have to allocate time for rest, pain is very draining. Taking time out several times a day to rest or do nothing is important, I’m working on making myself number one more often.

How are you Defining, Saving, and Allocating this month?  

Melinda

 

2020 has been a year to forget for many. Since the emergence of the global pandemic and the beginning of lockdown in March, none of us have been able to live a normal life. 

Looking at the same four walls every single day as well as working from home has been tough for many of us, and as 2021 hits we are all raring for new experiences.

Whether it be changed to your lifestyle, health or career – 2021 is a time perfect to change, and here are some of the ways you can make a change in your life next year for the better. 

By now, most of us growing tired of our own homes. Being stuck inside for 10 months has been hard for all of us and many of us have already started to look at houses and apartment rentals in our area. If you want to make a fresh start next year, moving house isn’t a bad idea. Let go of the bad memories of the past and move forward in a positive way by buying or renting a better living space for yourself. Being able to live somewhere new can do wonders for your mental health. 

If you want to make a positive change to your physical and mental health in 2021, you need to get up and get moving. There are lots of ways you can stay fit without the need for a gym, and here are just a few of the things you can try: 

• Walking 

• Running 

• Cycling 

• Yoga 

• HIIT Workouts 

• Body Combat 

• Dance Workouts 

Change up your routine by adding a 30-minute workout to the start of your day, and soon see the benefits it brings in terms of energy and wellbeing. 

One great way to make a change to your life without committing to anything crazy is changing your diet in small ways. From substituting white for brown bread and rice; to eating less meat and dairy; there are many brilliant things you can do to change your diet for the better. Consider finding foods that are good for the gut and for your heart such as sweet potatoes and peppers, and add these things to your diet more for a healthier body. You don’t have to overhaul your whole diet right away, just make small changes as you go. 

We all need to have hobbies in our lives. When you spend all of your time working, eating, and sleeping – you will soon become bored with your life and your mental health can plummet. Change up your daily routine by spending time doing something new. It could be baking, writing, painting, a new sport, or anything you like. Bring something new into your life that you haven’t tried before and this could open you up to so much more in the future. 

Making changes to your life in 2021 is a great idea and will change your life for the better. 

This is a collaborative post.

Melinda

Many people can fall into a slump during the colder winter months when there is less sunlight and motivation is low, but there are some easy ways to lift your spirits.

A good way to raise yourself from a slump is to create a vision board. A vision board is a collection of images and keywords that you design and assemble on a large piece of paper, for example, which visualises your hopes and dreams for the future. Vision boards are motivational, particularly when you lose sight of what you are working for. They are equally beneficial for when life becomes a little monotonous.

Some ideas to include in a vision board are career aspirations, travel plans, and personal growth targets.

Making a vision board can calm your mind, as it taps into your creativity and helps you focus on your current action. Plus, seeing your finished work day after day is sure to encourage inspiration.

Photo by Mikechie Esparagoza from Pexels

It’s important to reach out to friends, relatives, or companions when you are feeling low. Even if you are feeling cheerful, getting in contact with someone you have not spoken to in a while might raise their spirits without you even realizing it.

As we get older, we tend to get stuck in our daily routines and forget that life is about connections and relationships. Older adults can especially yearn for a chat, or for a helping hand, which is why Seniors Helping Seniors is an invaluable service.

Photo by Sam Lion from Pexels

‘Going for a run’ is easier said than done for a lot of us. Especially in the cold, wet weather, running can be a real drag. However, there are plenty of alternative sports and fitness activities that will make you forget you’re even exercising – you’ll be having that much fun.

For one, dancing is a great way to release energy and work up a sweat with a smile on your face. You don’t need a studio to let your hair down, dancing in your room is encouraged. Whack on your favourite tunes and spend 20 minutes to an hour moving about to the music.

If mobility is an issue for you, swimming is an excellent way to stay fit and prevent any muscle or joint discomfort.

Walking and power-walking is also another way to get your daily exercise without it seeming too strenuous. For those busy days, this activity can tie in with work or socializing, as you could schedule a walking meeting or catch-up. Or, if you need a break from everything, going for a solo walk is a sure way to clear your head. You could even find a scenic route and make a trip out of it, rather than just walking around the block.

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels

A simple way to distract yourself from the winter blues is to have a giggle. So, get comfy and pick a comedy film or stand-up show you know you will like, and even if you can’t muster a belly laugh, just feeling yourself smile can brighten your mood.

There are also plenty of apps and old-school games that will have you rolling on the floor laughing with friends or family. For smartphone users, try Heads Up!, it’s like a digital version of charades that can be played anywhere. Or if you’re at home, a card game like Snap or Uno is sure to cheer you up.

Going to bed early is never more important than in the winter. Our wellbeing depends on us getting a decent amount of sleep. For some people that means 8 hours of shuteye, for others, it’s more. 

Find out what works for you, and go to bed at a time that allows for a full 8+ hours sleep until daybreak, so the sunrise works as a natural alarm clock. Seeing a full days-worth of sunlight can improve your mood dramatically. This is because catching the sun’s rays each day is associated with an increased level of serotonin in the body, a hormone that stabilizes our feelings of wellbeing. 

Seek further help where needed

It’s never a bad thing or something that you should be ashamed of when it comes to asking for help. Whether it’s an issue with drugs, relationships, mental health, etc. getting the help you need should always be prioritized. You can check out outpatient drug rehab centers near me in order to find the right place that can help you with your needs, should you require it.

Photo by Jonathan Petersson from Pexels

If you have considerable worries, or stress is getting on top of you. It’s a good idea to let out your thoughts and emotions either via pen or verbally with a counselor or therapist. Writing or talking about it can help you release negative feelings and therefore improve your wellbeing.

This is a collaborative post.

Melinda

Today, maintaining a healthy and peaceful union is almost next to impossible. Many factors that limit people from sustaining a healthy relationship include differing life goals, power from friends and family, lack of trust, diseases, pride, and miscommunication.

Many people break up as soon as they embark on the relationship journey. Additionally, there is an increase in people suffering from unfulfilling relationships, which has had more significant repercussions. For instance, there is an increase in separation and divorce levels, infidelity, and low self-esteem.

The truth is when one is loved; they glow and perform to their maximum. Furthermore, a stable and sound mind is the most incredible wealth you can possess. Love will not only help you conquer the world but will also help fight feelings of self-doubt and raise your self-importance.

It takes empathy, commitment, and patience to develop and maintain a healthy relationship with your partner. Taking note of the following measures will help you reignite your once fierce love life. 

Appreciate Your Partner

There is power in appreciating your partner. Simple deeds such as listening to them, a thank you note, a gift, seeking their input before making important decisions, or a dinner treat will go a long way in making them feel unique and valued. Additionally, don’t forget to tell, remind and show them how you think of them.

Setting aside time to spend together with your partner is also very important. Yes, you may be busy with work or parenting, but putting aside two hours of your time to bond with your partner will help strengthen your love life in more extraordinary ways. Through these simple ideas, your lover will feel appreciated and always find a reason to stay amidst green grass on the other side.

Improve on Your Sex Life

Sexual intercourse is an essential activity in maintaining healthy unions. It’s not only a way of expressing love and affection, but it also helps in bonding. Moreover, frequent sex will help you raise your self-esteem, have fun, exercise, and keep stress away.

Despite its many benefits, most couples are not able to enjoy it in their union. This mostly results from medical conditions such as infections, having low libido. Getting sexual satisfaction from pornographic materials, deciding to abstain especially after infidelity are also contributing factors.

Whatever your reason for not having sex is, the truth is it cannot overtake the massive benefits associated with lovemaking in your union. Therefore, make every effort to work on the factors hindering you from enjoying sex in your life.

It is time to improvise libido-boosting foods in your diet, treat that infection or medical condition preventing you from enjoying sex and enroll in a pornography addiction recovery program to save your union if sex addiction is the wedge between you. 

Maintain Open Communication

It is only through open communication that you will get to fight the many misunderstandings surrounding relationships today. You need to talk and explain situations to your partner as they happen.

It is not wise to ignore issues in a union. Find the appropriate time to discuss and solve matters when they arise. As two people sharing something beautiful, it is common for misunderstandings to arise.

Therefore, you should try to talk and explain situations to your partner to get rid of their doubts. Concurrently, it’s vital to remember that open communication symbolizes respect for your lover’s feelings in a relationship.

Ask for Forgiveness

It is natural to cross each other’s paths. When this happens, be ready to put pride aside and ask for forgiveness. Nonetheless, don’t make wronging your partner a habit in the hope that they will always forgive you; remember it is their feelings you are messing with, and they might soon tire accommodating you.

Unlike how most people view it, asking for forgiveness is not a sign of weakness but rather a sign of courage. Therefore, don’t hesitate to reach out to your partner and ask for forgiveness after hurting them. Furthermore, it’s godly and beneficial to your mental wellbeing as an individual.

 Work on Yourself

Nothing is fulfilling and satisfying than when your lover decides to change for the better. It gives you the courage and reason to fight on. Moreover, it is an indication of one’s commitment to the relationship.

Therefore, to make your relationship work, start by improving and bidding goodbye to those traits that are damaging your love life.

Take Away

It is natural to have misunderstandings in relationships. Nonetheless, with proper management skills and the desire to make it work, these shortcomings should not deter you from being happy. Do not let your relationship die when you can revamp it by putting the above five measures into action.

This is a collaborative post.

Melinda

World Economic Forum

25 Jan 2021

Kelly McCain Project Lead, Shaping the Future of Health and Healthcare, World Economic Forum

Aidan Manktelow Insights Lead, Inclusive Business, World Economic Forum

• Mental health is an urgent priority for businesses in the COVID-19 recovery.
• 6 leaders from global companies share their views on how to improve workplace mental health.

Mental health has become an urgent priority for companies as a result of the COVID-19 crisis. The uncertainty and stress created by the pandemic, and increased isolation due to large-scale remote working, have put pressure on workforce mental wellbeing. The global cost of mental-ill health through lost productivity, absences and staff turnover is estimated to be around $2.5 trillion annually. 

Recent research has found that about half of working adults globally say they have experienced increased anxiety around job security (56%), stress due to changes in work routines and organization (55%), feel lonely or isolated working from home (49%) or have difficulty achieving a work-life balance (50%) as a result of the COVID-19 pandemic.

Have you read?

• An open letter to business leaders: Now is the time to address the global mental health crisis together
• This is how COVID-19 has impacted workers’ lives around the world

At the same time, the rising awareness of this challenge has created new impetus to tackle an issue that remains a stigma in many organisations. 

In line with The Davos Agenda, we invited six members of our community to share what their organisations are doing to protect their employees’ mental health and what positive changes they foresee for business to tackle the issue of mental health in 2021:

What positive changes do you foresee for the way businesses will tackle the issue of mental health at work in 2021? And what is your best piece of advice on how to make that change happen?

‘Support a more hybrid workforce’

Elaine Arden, Group Chief Human Resources Officer, HSBC

The past 12 months have shown that people can be just as productive and experience better work-life balance when working outside of traditional workplaces. As choice and flexibility become more commonplace, businesses will need to continually evolve and adapt their well-being services to adequately support a more hybrid workforce.

Businesses can make change happen by talking – and listening! Ask your people how they are doing and what they need. At HSBC, our manager and employee surveys provide us with valuable insights that inform our strategy. By relying on robust data and lived-experiences, businesses will get to the heart of what really matters most, develop suitable solutions and measure their impact on the mental health of their people. As business continues to navigate through periods of uncertainty and volatility, the need to collaborate and share best practices with peers and experts has never been more important and should be an essential part of any healthcare response.” 

‘Lead by example’

Sheri B Bronstein, Chief Human Resources Officer, Bank of America

2020 introduced new uncertainty and stress in the daily lives and routines of our team-mates, further emphasizing the need to embrace the importance of physical and emotional wellness; specifically mental health as a top priority. As employers, we have an obligation to provide our team-mates with opportunities to talk openly about their mental health and to secure the support they or their families may need. We must continue to lift the stigma on this critical topic, which in our case has been having a CEO and management team who are vocal advocates.

Bank of America is committed to the health and wellness of its team-mates and the communities that we serve. Like many companies, we expanded programs to help team-mates access enhanced resources and we need to continue to adapt and respond quickly to address the unique mental health needs of diverse workforces. We need to lead by example, participate in employee sessions, and share perspectives on the steps we are taking to support and protect our mental health.

‘Build mental wellbeing into our leadership culture’

Kerry Dryburgh, Chief People Officer, BP

For too long, mental health in the workplace has been viewed as an organisational risk, with a focus on managing individuals and incidents – a fact only exacerbated by COVID-19. The truth is, like physical health, mental health is a constant human reality for every person, every day. In 2021, we can expect more workplaces to recognise this and step-change their action on mental wellbeing, alongside a continued focus on physical health.

How we proactively support mental health in the workplace has a long way to go, but we are not starting from scratch. We can build on our collective decades of experience and expertise in physical health and safety to develop powerful actions and approaches. One of the most impactful choices we have made at BP is to include mental wellbeing questions in our regular employee engagement surveys to understand real-time how our teams are feeling. We have also taken steps to build mental wellbeing into our leadership culture.

At BP, we believe our workplaces can and should be positive environments that support mental health and wellbeing. Getting it right is an ongoing focus, but one that has never been more urgent.

‘Engage, understand and support staff’ 

Saurabh Govil, Chief Human Resources Officer, Wipro Ltd

People around the world went through severe challenges in 2020. Many are still reeling from layoffs in their families, grieving the death of loved ones, are sick themselves, or struggling with remote work, social isolation and mental health issues. The pandemic has not only changed business dynamics, but also the approach towards employee mental health. Compassion and empathy are no longer seen as extra, nice-to-have qualities. They are now essential. Businesses are increasingly focusing on investing in caring for their employees, and amplifying existing people frameworks, policies and support groups to better support employee wellbeing. 

The most important and meaningful change will come from how leaders engage, understand and support staff at a more developmental level. Leaders should focus on the following areas: understanding the difference between urgency and importance and focusing on the latter; being compassionate while driving employees to action by channelling their feelings of frustration or despair. Finally, trust, transparency and openness will need to be the pillars of leadership, and workplace HR policies of the future.

‘Reach out to all of our people across the organization’

Toby Switzer, Chief Human Capital Officer, Agility

Wellbeing and mental health have always been important considerations for the people of Agility before the pandemic, but maybe not as highly prioritized. Now, with the significant work and life disruptions created by the crisis, these aspects were brought to a whole new life … and light … on how important they are for us. 

We need to understand better the concerns, be proactive with ideas and programs, and reach out to all of our people across the organization, including our families and our communities so that they are aware that we care and that we will help. Having a focus on this makes us all better for both our short and long-term personal and professional life and health.

‘Take a broad view of what you class as mental health support’

Miranda Wolpert, Director, Mental Health, Wellcome 

COVID-19 has impacted many aspects of our lives including changing, for many, where and how we work. This impact is likely to accelerate the pre-COVID-19 trend of businesses prioritising and seeking ways to support the mental health of their employees.

My advice to employers is two-fold. Take a broad view of what you class as mental health support and then be led by the evidence. A broad view incorporates mindfulness and mental health first aid all the way through to flexible working policies and financial wellbeing. Being led by the evidence means actively looking to understand which approaches work for who, in what context and why – and if that evidence doesn’t yet exist, perhaps it’s your business that will generate it so that others can learn from you.

What’s the Forum doing on mental health?

The World Economic Forum’s platform for Shaping the Future of Health and Healthcare is convening efforts by our partners on workplace mental health to support evidence-based action on workplace mental health, in collaboration with the platform for Shaping the Future of the New Economy and Society’s Chief Human Resources Officer community. The CHRO community includes more than 100 CHROs of leading multinational companies. Supporting workforce mental health has been a consistent theme of its discussions since the onset of the COVID-19 crisis. 

What is the World Economic Forum doing about mental health?

Show

More broadly, the Forum’s Mental Health in the Workplace initiative co-ordinates global efforts toward workplaces that are healthier mentally across industries, regions and sectors. The vision is a world where all workplace leaders recognize and commit – with the right tools in place – to taking tangible and evidence-based action on mental health and wellbeing, enabling their workforces to thrive.

HUFFPOST

Catherine Pearson

09/04/2020 11:31am EDT

Spend at least five minutes a day, every single day, hanging out with them and doing whatever they want.

Kids might find it more difficult to cope with the pandemic. Here’s how parents can help them.

When the COVID-19 pandemic hit this past spring, billions of children around the globe were abruptly sent home from school — an anchor in so many ways. Kids have been cut off from friends and loved ones, and yanked away from daily activities and passions. Many have watched their loved ones get sick or have come down with the virus themselves. It has been … a lot. 

Now, as another unprecedented academic year swings into high gear, children are facing more of the same “new normal” that no one asked for.

“We don’t know how long we’re going to be living in this very strange period. For some kids, that mean that they’ve adjusted and things are a little bit easier to manage,” said Kimberly Canter, a child psychologist at Nemours Children’s Health System. “For other kids, that just means this gets harder and harder every day.”

HuffPost Parents spoke to several experts about simple, concrete ways we can help support our children during this upcoming school year. Here’s what they had to say: 

1. Regularly check in with them about what they think is happening with COVID-19. 

Talking to your child about what they know (or believe they know) about the pandemic is a crucial first step to understanding where they’re at emotionally, said Canter, who developed an online intervention to help kids struggling with COVID-19 stress. (The intervention is currently available to Nemours patients only, but she shared some of the broader concepts below.)

You’re looking to understand their specific concerns, she said.

“Are there things they are hearing that are frightening them that are not true?” she asked. “Are there things they are hearing that are frightening them that are true? And how can we address that?”

If your child brings up something you don’t have an answer to, or there’s no answer to, be honest. Tell them you’ll seek out accurate information together, and reassure them that they’re not facing this alone.

Parents should also pay attention to any physical, emotional or social changes they notice in their children, said Ron Stolberg, a licensed child psychologist and professor at Alliant International University.

“Typical things to look for are significant weight gain or weight loss not related to normal development, rejecting long-standing friends, major social withdrawal, and with teens, we also add unaccounted-for spending,” Stolberg said.

Your check-ins can be brief, but they should be consistent. Parents may have done this more at the start of the pandemic, when everything was strange and new. Don’t let up now.

2. Help them identify their emotions. 

Emotional intelligence is a learned skill that is rooted in a person’s ability to identify what they are feeling. Parents can help their children do that, Canter said. It’s really about noticing their feelings and learning how to name them.

This can start even if kids are young. Simple mood meters — red for angry, blue for sad, green for calm and yellow for happy — can help young kiddos track where they are and give voice to those feelings.

If your child brings up something you don’t have an answer to, or there’s no answer to, be honest. Tell them you’ll seek out accurate information together, and reassure them that they’re not facing this alone.

Parents should also pay attention to any physical, emotional or social changes they notice in their children, said Ron Stolberg, a licensed child psychologist and professor at Alliant International University.

“Typical things to look for are significant weight gain or weight loss not related to normal development, rejecting long-standing friends, major social withdrawal, and with teens, we also add unaccounted-for spending,” Stolberg said.

Your check-ins can be brief, but they should be consistent. Parents may have done this more at the start of the pandemic, when everything was strange and new. Don’t let up now.

Your check-ins can be brief, but they should be consistent. Parents may have done this more at the start of the pandemic, when everything was strange and new. Don’t let up now.

3. Build trust with their teachers.

Even if you live in an area where your child is in the classroom five days a week, this is an academic year like no other. One simple way to emotionally support your child — and your child’s teacher — is to help them feel “safe and connected to their school communities,” said Jeanne Huybrechts, chief academic officer at Stratford School, a network of private schools in California. That is true whether classes are in person, hybrid or starting the year off remotely.

“Reach out to your child’s teacher and introduce yourself and your family,” Huybrechts said. “Share family stories, values, your family’s living situation this fall, your child’s feelings about the return to school.” 

More than ever this year, open communication with your child’s teachers is essential.

4. For at least five minutes a day, hang out with them however they want. 

Parents sometimes hate to hear this tip because at the end of a long, exhausting day, many parents just (understandably) want to collapse, said Jill Ehrenreich-May, a psychologist and director of the Child and Adolescent Mood and Anxiety Program at the University of Miami.

But she recommends taking at least five minutes a day, every day, to just hang out together with the kids.

“Do something — not on screens — that your child wants to do with you,” Ehrenreich-May said. Follow their lead, and really try to connect through joy. They need it.

5. Remind them of what they can control. 

Many children are struggling under the weight of so many unknowns. We don’t know when school will be “normal” again. We don’t know when they’ll be able to freely hug grandparents or friends. We don’t know if they’ll get sick, or if we will get sick — and how serious it might be. That’s difficult for anyone to deal with, particularly kids. 

Parents can help by focusing them on what they can control right now.

“You might not be able to control if there’s a vaccine, but you can control things like washing your hands and wearing a mask,” Canter said. Similarly, kids may not be able to control when, say, soccer starts up again, but they can schedule Zoom hangouts with their teammates. And so on.

And here is something parents can control, to a certain extent: They can model the type of resiliency and self-care they hope to see in their children. That means parents need to find ways to take care of themselves.

“If I expect them to be calm and handle this really not normal situation, well, I probably need to express my own emotions appropriately,” Ehrenreich-May said.

Stolberg agreed, suggesting that parents follow a healthy sleep routine, eat nutritious food, avoid caffeine and alcohol, exercise outside if it’s safe to do so and stay connected to people, even if it’s digitally. He also recommended mindfulness exercises, such as breathing, meditation and yoga.

“You cannot be your best parent if you are not healthy and mentally prepared for the job,” he said.

At the end of the day, it’s not about pretending everything is totally OK. It’s about modeling emotional intelligence yourself and trying to show your kiddo how to live with uncertainty, while also trying to make the best of this unprecedented time.

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My Two Cents:

Go for counselling together

Parent-child counselling sessions are gaining popularity due to their many advantages. It is a program designed to help improve the relationship between parents and their children. These programs are beneficial and can help you support your child’s emotional health in the long run. They are especially important for those parents who find it difficult to get their children to open up and talk about their feelings.

As a parent, attending sessions can help you learn new skills to support your child’s mental health. A counsellor or therapist will start by observing how you interact with your child. Then they can suggest ways to improve your interactions. After attending the session, you can arrive home safely after reading more info here and without any worry of your child experiencing  extra stress since you are equipped with how to handle any situation. You will know how to enhance how you communicate, solve problems better and understand your parental boundaries.

Melinda 

You might have noticed something different about someone close to you recently. Perhaps they seem a little more closed off than usual, or maybe you’re just noticing that things they used to enjoy, don’t seem to do it anymore. It could be any number of things, but if you know that life is getting them super stressed lately, this is probably the answer. In this article, we’re going to be looking at some of the things that you can do to help someone close to you deal with stress.

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Offer To Listen

The first thing that we think you should do is offer to listen. Sometimes, people who are suffering with stress just need to talk about what they are feeling. Often, coming up with a solution to help someone who is stressed out won’t be possible, especially seeing as a lot of the causes are things that they don’t always have the power to change. Of course, if they can change them, then you should absolutely suggest that they do. However, it is far more important that you listen to what they have to say and make them feel heard, rather than offering advice. You will often find that they know what they should do, but they still need to speak to someone about the way they are feeling. Be that person for them. Offer them your shoulder.

Find What Helps Them

While it may not always be possible to get rid of the thing that is stressing them out, you can still help them by finding the things that help them cope with stress better. For example, you could get them into sport of some kind and do it together. Or, you could look into some herbal remedies that may help reduce the stress and purchase some weed pipes to make the experience a bit better. It really depends on what the person close to you finds relaxing. You’ve just got to remember that not everything is going to work, so don’t get too frustrated when you’re going through the trial and error phase.

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Don’t Make Fun Of It

Finally, you should never make fun of the problems that somebody is experiencing. This is harsh, and it will make them go into a shell and never want to speak to anyone about their issues again. Don’t try to make light of the situation. Don’t tell them that they are overreacting. Don’t compare their life to yours and tell them why they shouldn’t be stressed. None of this is going to be helpful. Just be supportive, that is what they need the most.

Hopefully, now you understand some of the things that you can do to help those close to you deal with stress. It’s a hard thing to cope with at the best of times, and if it’s getting too much for them, you need to support them as much as you can. It’s going to be difficult for them to admit, so be patient, and above all, be kind. 

This is a collaborative post.

Melinda

Mar 28, 2019 / Emily Nagoski + Amelia Nagoski

Ashley Lukashevsky

Too many of us struggle to achieve a body ideal that’s just not obtainable by humans. It’s time to redefine what’s good, healthy and attractive on our own terms, say writers (and sisters) Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski.

The Bikini Industrial Complex. That’s our name for the $100 billion cluster of businesses that profit by setting an unachievable “aspirational ideal,” convincing us that we can and should — indeed we must — conform with the ideal, and then selling us ineffective but plausible strategies for achieving that ideal. It’s like old cat pee in the carpet, powerful and pervasive and it makes you uncomfortable every day but it’s invisible and no one can remember a time when it didn’t smell.

Let’s shine a black light on it, so you can know where the smell is coming from. You already know that basically everything in the media is there to sell you thinness — the shellacked abs in ads for exercise equipment, the “one weird trick to lose belly fat” clickbait when all you wanted was a weather forecast, and the “flawless” thin women who fill most TV shows. The Bikini Industrial Complex, or BIC, has successfully created a culture of immense pressure to conform to an ideal that is literally unobtainable by almost everyone and yet is framed not just as the most beautiful, but the healthiest and most virtuous.

But it’s not just magazine covers, ads and other fictions that get it wrong. The body mass index (BMI) chart and its labels — underweight, overweight, obese, etc. — were created by a panel of nineH individuals, seven of whom were “employed by weight-loss clinics and thus have an economic interest in encouraging use of their facilities,” as researchers Paul Ernsberger and Richard J Koletsky put it.

You’ve been lied to about the relationship between weight and health so that you’ll perpetually try to change your weight. But listen: It can be healthier to be 70 or more pounds over your medically defined “healthy weight” than just five pounds under it. A 2016 meta-analysis in The Lancet medical journal examined 189 studies, encompassing nearly four million people who never smoked and had no diagnosed medical issues. It found that people labeled “obese” by the CDC have lower health risk than those the CDC categorized as “underweight.” The study also found that being “overweight” according to the CDC is lower risk than being at the low end of the “healthy” range as defined by the US federal government and the World Health Organization.

Another meta-analysis even found that people in the BMI category labeled “overweight” may live longer than people in any other category, and the highest predictable mortality rate might be among those labeled “underweight.” Taking it further, newer research is suggesting that doctors warn their middle-aged and older patients against losing weight, because the increasingly well-established dangers of fluctuations in weight outweigh any risk associated with a high but stable weight.

Our culture has primed us to judge fat people as lazy and selfish. And it goes deep. Amelia conducts a children’s choir, and she has to teach her kids to breathe. At ten, eight, even six years old, they already believe that their bellies are supposed to be flat and hard, so they hold their stomachs in. You can’t breathe deeply, all the way, without relaxing your abdomen, and you can’t sing if you can’t breathe. So Amelia has to teach children to breathe.

Please: Relax your belly. It’s supposed to be round. The BIC has been gaslighting you.

We’re not saying the people or companies that constitute the BIC are out to get you. Frankly, we don’t think they’re smart enough to have created this system on purpose. But they recognize there’s money to be made by establishing and enforcing impossible standards.

We all encounter the BIC every day. So how can we make it through the fray?

One strategy: Play the “new hotness” game. 

When we reconstruct our own standard of beauty with a definition that comes from our own hearts and includes our bodies as they are right now, we can turn toward our bodies with kindness and compassion. Well, easier said than done.

Amelia is vain about pictures of her conducting, in which she inevitably has her mouth wide open and her hair is a sweaty wreck. Emily watches herself on TV and worries that her chin is too pointy because one time, somebody said it was. (We are identical twins.)

Neither of us has ever had the skinny proportions of a model, and we watched our mom — who was model-thin before she gestated two seven-pound babies at the same time — look at her reflection in mirrors and cry at what she saw there. What she saw there is very much like what we see in our own reflections now.

Which is why we play the “New Hotness” game, a way to let go of body self-criticism and shift to self-kindness. One day, Amelia was at a fancy boutique, trying on gowns for a performance. Attire for women conductors is hard to find: solid black with long sleeves, formal yet not frumpy is an unlikely combination. Finding all of this in her size is even more difficult.

She tried on a dress that looked so amazingly good she texted Emily a dress selfie, with a caption paraphrasing Will Smith in Men in Black II: i am the new hotness.

And now “new hotness” is our texting shorthand for looking fabulous without reference to the socially constructed ideal. We recommend it. It’s fun.

Maybe you don’t look like you used to, or like you used to imagine you should, but how you look today is the new hotness. Even better than the old hotness.

Saggy belly skin from that baby you birthed? New hotness.

Gained 20 pounds while finishing school? New hotness.

Skin gets new wrinkles because you lived another year? New hotness.

Hair longer or shorter, or a different color or style? New hotness.

Mastectomy following breast cancer? New hotness.

Amputation following combat injury? New hotness.

The point is, you define and redefine your body’s worth, on your own terms. It’s not necessary to turn toward your body with love and affection — love and affection are frosting on the cake of body acceptance, and if they work for you, go for it. But all your body requires of you is that you turn toward it with kindness and compassion, again and again, without judging all your contradictory emotions, beliefs and longings.

No doubt after you finish reading this, you will go out into the world and notice the diversity of bodies around you. And you will still have reflexive thoughts about the people who don’t conform to the aspirational ideal, envious thoughts about the people who do, or self-critical thoughts about the ways the world tells you that you fall short. And then you might even have emotional reactions to your emotional reactions: “Darn it, I shouldn’t think that!”

Change happens gradually. Your brain has been soaking in the BIC for decades; any time you step outside your door, you’re back in it; any time you turn on a TV, you’re back in it; and any time you put clothes on, you’re back in it. Just notice it, as you’d notice a fleck of dust floating through the air. Smile kindly at the mess. And know what’s true: Everyone is the new hotness. You are the new hotness. So is she. So are they. So are we.

Excerpted from Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily and Amelia Nagoski. Copyright © 2019 by Emily and Amelia Nagoski. Used by permission of Ballantine, an imprint of Random House Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House LLC. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

Watch Emily Nagoski’s TED talk here: https://embed.ted.com/talks/emily_nagoski_the_truth_about_unwanted_arousal

ABOUT THE AUTHORS

Emily Nagoski is the author of “Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life.” She has a PhD in health behavior with a minor in human sexuality from Indiana University, and a MS in counseling, also from IU, including a clinical internship at the Kinsey Institute sexual health clinic. A sex educator for 20 years, she is the inaugural director of wellness education at Smith College.

Amelia Nagoski holds a DMA in conducting from the University of Connecticut. An assistant professor and coordinator of music at Western New England University, she regularly presents educational sessions for professional musicians discussing the application of communications science and psychological research, including “Beyond Burnout Prevention: Embodied Wellness for Conductors.”

When you have been involved in an accident, your physical well-being is understandably at the forefront of your mind. However, sometimes when you’ve been seriously hurt, you need a longer period of time to heal mentally as well as physically. Sometimes, even long after your body has healed and you’re back on your feet again, you may still be feeling the effects of your mental health. In these situations, you need to give yourself the time to recover, and here are some tips on how to cope mentally after a serious accident.

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Talk about your fears

After a serious accident and injury, you may develop fears and anxieties around that particular situation. For example, if you nearly drowned from falling off a boat into choppy seawater, you may find that you’ve developed a fear of boats or deep water, and that’s completely understandable! Talk to your doctor or counselor about your fears, as they’ll be able to help you overcome these fears through therapy.

Gain some financial help

Being in an accident may cause you to be out of work for some time, and this can negatively affect your finances, causing you to fall into debt. Your mental health may be struggling to cope with these debts, and you may find yourself worrying about them often, causing you to lose concentration elsewhere. You can get financial help for many accidents such as an automobile accident by speaking to car crash lawyers to see if you’ve got a viable case. Alternatively, you could speak to a debt advisor about how you can reduce your debts with the budget you’re on.

This also applies to a motorcycle accident. It would be best to hire a motorcycle attorney who specializes in motorcycle accidents. They can help you navigate the court system, which may prove to be pretty challenging for an average person. They know how to build a strong case by getting all the necessary evidence and will also ensure you get a fair trial.

They will also help you get a proper settlement, which most people don’t get even after spending a lot of time in court. A favorable motorcycle settlement will be possible in the hands of a good attorney who has enough years of experience. Another area they can come in handy is when dealing with insurance companies.

This can prove to be quite challenging as your insurance provider may not be willing to cover all the damages. But with a reliable attorney by your side, they will help you maintain your cool when dealing with an insurance company. And lastly, a lawyer will help interpret all legal terms you may be unfamiliar with. All these will help keep you mentally sane.

Take time to discover the new you

If your accident has changed you physically, such as paralyzation of the legs or spine, you may be struggling to adapt to who you are now. Going through something like that is a major life change, and you need to take as much time as you need to discover the new you. This might mean taking some time away from work to work on yourself, or it might mean changing careers to something that you can enjoy.

Refrain from hiding away

It’s very common after an accident to hide away from the world due to anxiety about another accident lurking around the corner. The problem here is that the longer you leave returning to normal life, the harder it’s going to be to adapt. Be brave, take the step! There’s nothing wrong with taking extra precautions in your day to day life, just don’t avoid it altogether!

Use the support around you

Finally, after an accident, it’s very likely that your family and friends have rallied together to help you recover and then some, and there’s nothing wrong with asking for some extra help if you need it! You’ve just experienced a major event in your life, and you can’t be expected to bounce back straight away. Alternatively, you may be able to find support groups near you where you can talk about your experiences with people that have been through the same thing. Whatever you feel will help, reach out to it!

This is a collaborative post.

In health,

Melinda

We like to believe that we live in a generally safe world where our quality of life isn’t continually on the line. If we didn’t, we’d struggle to leave the house in the morning. 

But the truth is that we don’t live on a perfectly safe planet. In fact, there are dangers everywhere. 

Every minute of the day, for instance, somebody is injured in a crash, and many of the victims have life-changing disabilities that stay with them for the rest of their lives. 

You can’t really understand disability until you’ve experienced it. Suddenly, you find out that you can’t do all the things you used to be able to do, and it creates a whirlwind of emotions. Life just isn’t the same afterward, either mentally or physically. 

Anger

For many people, the first response is anger. If their disability was their fault, they feel a kind of rage against themselves. Why did they put themselves in danger? 

If their disability was somebody else’s fault, they feel a sense of violation against the person who did it to them, even if it was unintentional. There are often long court battles as people attempt to get compensation from another party. 

The anger, however, eventually becomes a cost if it lingers. The longer it goes on, the more it taxes the individuals. Eventually, it can harm their health further, leading to forms of depression and chronic disease. 

Depression

Losing your abilities is a little bit like losing somebody you love. If you can no longer walk, for instance, you go through a process of grieving over that loss. Instinctively, you know that the ability isn’t going to come back. And so you have to psychologically and emotionally deal with that fact before you can move on. 

For many victims, this means a protracted period of depression. You don’t feel like doing anything. Your life feels incredibly limited and you don’t think you have the ability or the skills to enjoy it to the full anymore. 

That kind of mentality is quite destructive, but also commonplace in people who’ve been injured or develop a chronic condition. The trick, of course, is to recognize that life does go on and that there are plenty of things you can do to enjoy your existence. 

Loneliness

In some situations, disability can also breed loneliness. Some people find that they are more isolated from their friends and family because of the fact that they can no longer get around as well as they used to.

Loneliness can also occur at an emotional level too. When you have a disability, you feel somewhat alienated from the people around you. Unlike you, they don’t know what it is like to be housebound or bedbound. And so they can’t really understand what life is like for a person in your situation. 

The solution here is to join a group of people who do understand what you’re going through so that you can voice your feelings and make them known. 

This is a collaborative post.

In health,

Melinda