This is an example of how trauma represents itself long after you’ve worked out the worst in your head and heart.
People who have read my About Me page know I’ve had my share of trauma and that I’ve worked hard to overcome my demons. The truth is they never go away, some piece in your heart or brain still remembers. It’s not something you feel, it becomes a trigger.
Here’s some backstory
My husband works for an International company and they’ve gone thru a major reorganization recently. It is a bit chaotic right now, he is working many late-night meetings so his counterparts in the other country can participate. Because of this, my husband doesn’t get a chance to unwind from the stress. Fact of life right?
We all have to find a way to deplete stress from our day in order to feel restored and for our long-term health. Last night he didn’t finish his day, minus looking at emails all night, until after 7PM and he was trying to destress for the day.
I saw him from the corner of my eye, he was maxed out. I said to him not in these exact words, that I was concerned that he was not getting a chance to destress every day and that maybe there were other options the doctor could offer him. Like anxiety meds.
During our conversation, he said, “I’ll think about it”. Sounds harmless right? It triggered me. At that moment, “I’ll think about it” meant, either I’m not going to do it or shut up about it. I got upset and we had a breakdown in communication.
He has no way to know that comment would trigger me, I had no idea.
The post isn’t about how our communication went sideways, it’s an example of what’s under our skin that remains after trauma. It’s impossible to see triggers when you’re still working thru trauma, the nerves and heart are like a live wire. When you’re in the middle of the storm it’s pure survival, whatever it takes.
Those who make it thru the storm come out with deep scars, you have no idea how those scars will represent themselves as you move forward in life.
As we learn what is a trigger, we can better learn how to deal with the emotion it brings up.
Give yourself and other’s some grace in those moments.
Thoughts?
Melinda
Looking for the Light 
My trauma lives with an insidious partner – addiction. The two of them have lived in my heart and head since I was 14. Im 43 now and just beginning my road to healing. My triggers are usually displayed in anger, that is always under my skin. It feels like it is simmering and waiting to boil over. Ive gotten way off track. This post resonated with me.
I’m so glad you commented. I’m 59 and have been in therapy for over 30 years. That was the difference for me. After several yearsl, maybe longer, we worked thru my childhood trauma. I don’t mean this is a negative way,
trauma stays with us, way under the skin and even years of therapy doesn’t take it away.
Therapy helped me resolve the feelings and she helped me grow in confidence to face my past and take steps forward. I was triggered by my husband not long ago and that’s the first time in ages it happened. I understand addiction because I was an alcoholic until 17 years ago and a drug addict as a teen. Have you been to therapy? I wish you the best of luck. Hope to see you again soon. 🙂
Thank you so much for your honest and kind words. Yes, I have been to therapy. My parents put me in counseling when I was 14 for my issues with being a rebellious teen. I didn’t gain much insight during that time due to immaturity. In my late 20s I started therapy again and did my first rehab stay. It was helpful, and I was sober for awhile but it didnt last. I struggled the next few years with being married, working, and trying to adjust to a “normal” life. When I was 35 I had what I can only describe as a midlife crisis. I left school (I was in college for a degree in social work), I left my job and my husband because my drug addiction was out of control. I began seeing someone who was the opposite of who I was and where I was in my life, he was also my drug dealer and future abuser. For the next four years I was abused in every way you can imagine all the time. He was a living nightmare. I ended the relationship but he continued his abuse. He stalked me and threatened me. On night he came to the house I was living with my new boyfriend. We werent home but my boyfriend’s son and hi friend were there. My ex began kicking in the door and fought with the son and his friend. He ended up stabbing the friend of my boyfriend’s son. He lived and wemt to prison. Now I am in therapy and working through my trauma. My addiction is still full force anD I’m considering rehab again. Sorry for the super long reply, but I felt it was inportant to explain how I have been working thru my traums. Once I start talking about it I seem to go down the rabbit hole. But that’s my story.
You have different types of trauma on top of addiction. I feel deeply for you and know a day will come when you can build a normal, whatever normal is, and move forward with your life. Once you take control of your addictions you can focus on working thru the most traumatic events.
I completely agree with you about needing to address my addictions in order to truly tackle the therapy. Being an addict makes an already tough life into a total nightmare. I have the want to quit, but I need the will. I can feel it is coming – where drugs disgust me and Ive reached my bottom. I really want to feel better, to be a better person, and to learn how to love myself.
❤️
Addiction is hard to beat, drugs are tough. I think a stay at Rehab like you mentioned is a great idea. After that going to meetings and surrounding yourself with people who don’t engage in the very thing you’re walking away from. Reaching the bottom is a terrible place to be, I pray you get the will long before that happens.
“Live wire” is an apt description. I heard someone once say that our triggers are painful moments of the past that got hard-wired into the present.
That’s a great description.
I’ve honestly never taken my trauma seriously, which is bad I know. I have a lot of triggers, and most result in a anger reaction. Sometimes I discover new ones. You’re right about giving grace to others… they don’t deserve to be on the receiving end, even if they know my battles and demons.
What’s so weird is I haven’t had a trigger in years so it really caught me off guard. 🙂
I’ll react to the strangest things… and it’s really intense. I don’t even realize how bad it is until someone is like “whoa are you ok.” I still have a lot of work to do unfortunately.
I’d love to go years without a trigger; I can’t even make it a week
You’ll get there. It takes so long to get that venom out of our system. You’ve had so much to process, keep working with your therapist and take it one at a time. 🙂
Giving oneself grace is essential for healing.
It is but it’s can be so hard to do.
True that.