2014

March 12, 2024March 12, 2024 Looking for the Light10 Comments

I am alive, happy, productive and helping other Survivors. Very Blessed. My childhood and teenage years where so difficult I truly believed suicide was the only answer. My first attempt was at 9 years old, I took all the pills in my dad’s medicine cabinet. I got a buzz then my stomach pumped. Suicide was always on my mind since the abuse was everyday. If it wasn’t physical abuse, it was constant mental abuse by my mother. At the same time I saw my mother physically and emotionally abused by my alcoholic stepfather.

At 13 years old I left my abusive life behind. It sounds great but you are so wounded you don’t want to look anyone in the eye, they may hit you or call you names. My mind stripped down and filled with trash, my mother took every drop of confidence I had. Over time my confidence grew and I started building who I am today. I did get called names and had a couple good fights . Sounds like any teenager trying spread their wings.

I have many unresolved emotions, responses and fears. Who doesn’t? What I can say for sure, I’m a survivor and so much more. Survivors have to dig really deep after being kicked down. It took years for me to discover what I liked and longer to get over my fear of failure.

My mother told me I was stupid all the time. I know better when I look at the books I’ve read. I do research on the internet and find internal medical presentations. Last week was a 155-page presentation by the FDA on ECT to the medical community. I didn’t just find it, I understood entirely and told my husband about it. I’m not stupid.

I love art, music, photography, interior design, ancient history and archeology. At the height of my career, I earned over 300K a year, #1 in the sales force. I can grow beautiful roses, and collect antique cameras. I love travel and went to Russia by myself. I’m not stupid.

I’ve had over 20 ECT Treatments while battling the Black Dog, married three times, and started drinking at 9 years old. I’ve made plenty of mistakes while building the person I am today at 50 years old. I’m a survivor and so much more.

I am not stupid!

Warrior

Alcohol · Caregiver · Child Abuse · Mental Illness · Moving Forward · Suicide · Survivor

(Repost) Nine Year Old Living In Hell

March 11, 2024March 12, 2024 Looking for the Light13 Comments

Original post 4/2014

My brother and I called our stepfather a Nazi because he was mostly German and he would beat our mother unmercifully. Her crimes as we knew were not having dinner ready or not warm enough. The kids were too loud, noise was not allowed in the house, and he was an alcoholic with major control issues. I was 9 years old, my brother six & half years old, and our two step-brothers were much younger. They came to live with us after Houston Social Services found my stepfather the better parent. Of the choices, he was.

Their mother was a drug addict. He never saw the boys after the divorce. By the time they were in the court system, they had been left at home for up to two weeks with no food, nothing. The youngest in the same diaper. The youngest experienced trauma so severely that he regressed to a baby. Her addiction took over her life for that matter she may have forgotten she had kids until she came down enough.

I hated my stepfather from the beginning, he didn’t wait to start controlling everything. He rarely talked to my mother it was always yelling. It was very complicated for me. I hated my mother for abusing me but it still hurt when he beat her. We had a long hallway that passed our bedrooms. When he was out of control he would walk my mother down the hall hitting her head and body from side to side down the hallway. The hallway ended in front of my bedroom, it was hell on earth.

One night my life changed for the worse. She was screaming, pleading to stop, you could hear her head banging on the walls. He kept saying he was going to kill her. It wasn’t the first time he had threatened but something in her voice was different. They stopped in front of my bedroom. I was so scared, I cracked the door and he had a knife to her throat a little blood falling down her neck. I knew he was going to kill her, I couldn’t sit there and listen. Then what would he do after that? I’m 9 years old, more mature for my age but a child. I struggled with guilt for leaving her to die but I could not hear her cry anymore. I took the nine dollars I had saved and ran away. I thought my mother was going to die, but I didn’t think about the consequences. He’s yelling with a knife to her throat, she thought she was going to die by the look on her face.

I rode my bike a couple of miles to my boyfriend’s house. His parents were so normal. They offered me something to drink and eat, put a blanket around me, and let me tell the story. They said I could stay for a while to let things cool down at home but they would have to call my mother. I didn’t think my life could get worse, wrong. At 9 years old it spiralled straight to hell that night.

My mother drove up, I knew the beating would start the minute I got in the car. We turned the corner and she started laying into me barely staying on the road. When we arrived home, I’d reached the point of not feeling the pain. I believe if nothing else happened to me, this night alone would have fuck me up bad.

I think about what another mother would have done. Hugged their child right away, acknowledged how confusing and painful it must have been, and explained it was not the child’s fault. I never had normal. I tried to kill myself every chance possible from that day forward. I cut my wrist deep at school, God wouldn’t let me go. I endured much worse until I left home.

I prayed for God to let me go. I had no more fight in me. God had more lessons for me to learn. Looking back I’m so thankful. I would not have been able to create a close-to-normal life. More importantly, I wouldn’t have been able to hold my grandmother’s hand as she died. I cared for my grandfather as he was dying.

The only time I’ve cried is thinking about my grandparents. They were the only two people who loved me unconditionally. God built my strength, I could be there for them and the person I am today.

All of the above is collateral damage, I packed away. I see a Therapist where I can talk about the past. We focus on my fears as an adult. If you’re a Survivor of abuse, I hold out my hand and give you a hug.

Warrior

Alcohol · Bipolar Disorder · Child Abuse · Domestic Violence · Men & Womens Health · Mental Illness · Parental Abuse · Sexual Abuse · Suicide · Survivor · Therapy

Post From 2014-About Looking For The Light Blog

December 26, 2023December 26, 2023 Looking for the Light9 Comments

My mother, stepfather, and father abused me until I was a teenager. All the scars hurt particularly of my father who sexually abused me. It’s hard to wrap your head around sexual abuse. My father committed suicide in 1992. It was an extremely difficult time, my grandmother never recovered he was her only child. In my father’s suicide note, he wanted me to take care of all the details. Estranged for years but the heart still breaks. Because of how he killed himself, we had to have a closed-casket funeral. It’s very hard to reconcile death when you can’t see them. I gave the eulogy however I don’t remember.

I struggle with Treatment-Resistant Bipolar Disorder and the anxiety it brings. I was diagnosed at 19 years old struggling for years without medication or over medicated. In 2005 I had the Vagus Nerve Stimulator implanted. The device sends electrical signals to the brain to increase Serotonin. I have taken over 40 prescriptions or protocals. Some worked for a while then you have to try another mix. I thought the VNS device would keep me on the rails. Naïve thinking on my part. I was not as lucky as many in the FDA clinical trial. I realized the device was like any other prescription and it was another that didn’t work.

I’m 50 years old, and the Black Dog drags me down deeper as I age. I’m alive with the help of God, my Husband, my Therapist, and my Psychiatrist. I’m blessed with a husband that won’t give up. It takes a village.

I hope we can build a resource for all including the ones who love us. Please leave your thoughts in the comment section. Your thoughts help make me a better person and blogger.

Warrior

Bipolar Disorder · Child Abuse · Family · Men & Womens Health · Mental Illness · Parental Abuse · Rape · Suicide · Survivor

Repost From 2015-Guilt is the Shadow in the Mirror

November 5, 2023November 5, 2023 Looking for the Light22 Comments

All Gramps said is your daddy has done away with himself. I screamed then said I’m on the way. Calling right back to ask were they sure he’s dead? Yes. I think years of abuse left a permanent hole in my heart. I go there to do actions requiring no emotions. It’s like autopilot, it has served me well. I started to think about work, and who I needed to call. I’m driving with emergency lights on going at 100 mph calling my work team. I stayed on autopilot until I pulled up to my grandparents.

Estranged since I was a teen, I thought it odd when he started calling. He sounded delusional and extremely paranoid. Nothing made sense, he was not talking in sentences. I pieced together he didn’t have any money and couldn’t work. Why he could not work must have come from the madness.

I would do anything to avoid my granny being hurt. I paid his bills. Over the next several months the phone calls were my hell on earth. He would threaten to kill himself then go off on what didn’t sound like words. I couldn’t make out anything he was saying as he yelled on the phone. I would keep trying to redirect him back to our conversation. I did not tell anyone what Daddy said. He was mentally ill. It had been years since we talked, maybe this was his norm. I didn’t know.

Everyone was sitting on the floor when I entered the door. The first words out of my mouth were “he told me”. I felt overwhelming guilt, I let my family down. I knew it wasn’t logical but emotions rarely are. My mind scrambled, my father sexually abused me and I’m feeling guilty. I forgave my father, cut him out of my life, paid bills, and felt guilty.

My grandparents and I went to Daddy’s the next morning. The disarray would alert anyone that something was wrong. On his coffee table, his lockbox was open with every card I had given him, every school photo. The divorce paperwork to my mother laid on the table, his Bible open to Job. You could see tear stains on the pages. The house had papers scattered everywhere, dishes piled up, and everything thrown around. My father had reached the bottom long ago and no one knew.

I found a shoebox full of cassette tapes from recorded phone conversations. It took seven months to listen to every tape. I would have a couple of drinks, listen and cry. Like a tornado in my head, being in the house my sexual abuse took place, Daddy putting 357 mags to my head, being a drug addict, and my boyfriend and I planning how to kill my father. These are the times the hole in my heart is useful. Granny didn’t know about the abuse and went to her grave not knowing. To help my granny cope, I would not cry or show emotion around her. I wanted to piece her heart back together. Holding emotions inside extended my grieving process a long seven years.

A couple of weeks later the morgue called asking me to pick up the gun. I rang the side doorbell, and someone brought the original suicide note, autopsy report, and gun with dried blood. My mind could not prepare for reading the autopsy report. Every detail of how he shot himself. The trajectory of the bullet, lobes damaged, bones crushed, and exit wounds.

I believe my father died so I could live. Learning about his mental illness pointed me to my own. Through Ancestry, I connected with Daddy’s half-brother and several family members. There were over ten suicides in only three generations and many now with severe mental illness.

Daddy

1940-1992

Melinda

Bipolar Disorder · Family · Health and Wellbeing · Men & Womens Health · Mental Health · Mental Illness · Suicide · Survivor

Guilt is the Shadow in the Mirror

May 25, 2022 Looking for the Light3 Comments

May is Mental Health Awareness month and I wanted to share a post written in 2015. Suicide is one of the reasons we need awareness, it can happen to anyone, with or without notice.

All he said is your daddy has done away with himself. I screamed then said I’m on the way. Calling right back to ask were they sure he was dead? Yes. I think years of abuse left a permanent hole in my heart. I go there to do actions requiring no emotions. It’s like autopilot, it has served me well. I started to think about work, and who I needed to call. I’m driving with emergency lights on going 100 mph calling my work team. I stayed on autopilot until I pulled up to my grandparents.

Estranged since a teen, I thought it odd when he started calling. He sounded delusional and extremely paranoid. Nothing made sense, he was not talking in sentences. I pieced together he didn’t have any money and couldn’t work. Why he could not work must have come from the madness.

I would do anything to avoid my granny being hurt. I paid his bills. Over the next several months the phone calls were my hell on earth. He would threaten to kill himself and then go off on what didn’t sound like words. I couldn’t make out anything he was saying as he yelled on the phone. I would keep trying to redirect him back to our conversation. I did not tell anyone what daddy said. He was mentally ill. It had been years since we talked, maybe this was his norm. I didn’t know.

Everyone sitting on the floor when I entered the door. The first words out of my mouth were what he told me. I felt overwhelming guilt, I let my family down. I knew it wasn’t logical but emotions rarely are. My mind scrambled, my father sexually abused me and I’m feeling guilty. I forgave my father, cut him out of my life, paid bills, and feel guilty.

My grandparents and I went to daddy’s the next morning. The disarray would alert anyone that something was wrong. On his coffee table, his lockbox opened with every card I had ever given him, every school photo. The divorce paperwork to my mother laid on the table, his bible open to Job. You could see tear stains on the pages. The house had papers scattered everywhere, dishes piled up, and everything was thrown around. My father had reached the bottom long ago and no one knew.

I found a shoebox full of cassette tapes from recorded phone conversations. It took seven months to listen to every tape. I would have a couple of drinks, listen and cry. Like a tornado in my head, being in the house my sexual abuse took place, daddy putting 357 mag to my head, being a drug addict, and my boyfriend and I planning how to kill my father. These are the times the hole in my heart is useful. Granny didn’t know about the abuse and went to her grave not knowing. To help my granny cope, I would not cry or show emotion around her. I wanted to piece her heart back together. Holding emotions inside extended my grieving process for a long seven years.

A couple of weeks later the morgue called asking me to pick up the gun. Ring the side doorbell, someone brought the original suicide note, autopsy report, and gun with dried blood. My mind could not prepare for reading the autopsy report. Every detail of how he shot himself. The trajectory of bullets, lobes damaged, bones crushed, and exit wounds.

I believe my father died so I could live. Learning about his mental illness pointed me to my own. Thru ancestry, I connected with daddy’s half-brother and several family members. There were over ten suicides in only three generations and many are now with severe mental illness.

Daddy

1940-1992

Melinda

Anxiety · Bipolar Disorder · Depression · Health and Wellbeing · Men & Womens Health · Mental Health · Mental Illness · Therapy

How Keeping a Mood Chart Changed My Life

May 24, 2022 Looking for the Light10 Comments

May is Mental Health Awareness Month and I wanted to share a tool that helped me better communicate with my doctor about my mood swings and how I was doing in between appointments.

Cleaned up repost from 2014

When I started seeing my Psychopharmacologist almost 16 years ago he intimidated me. He’s not a chipper guy and it took years to see through his shell. I was in a very dark place and spiraling down. I didn’t think he understood how depressed I was.

Psychiatrists are different from therapists in that, they only provide medication management, and appointments are 20 minutes at most. So we had a couple of frustrating meetings. I didn’t know how to reach him, I didn’t know doctor talk. He is one of the best in Texas and finding a Psychopharmacologist is difficult, I wasn’t walking away.

During another frustrating meeting, he left the room to talk to a therapist he worked with. He did me the biggest favor and no doubt saved my life. He suggested I sit down with a therapist to see if she could help me better communicate what was going on. They had worked together for 13 years, and she provided some insight into his personality and how best to communicate with him.

She drew a chart and we talked about how depressed I was. She repeated back to make sure she was on track and then gave me the chart. At that time I was rapid cycling, and adjusting to meds, and didn’t think I was improving. The Mood Chart brought our communication on the same page. I liked the log because it gave me an opportunity to show how I was cycling or any other significant change. I took out a journal and started keeping a daily log of the chart and any info about my state of mind. It gave me an opportunity to see exactly what was happening at any given time or day and look for trends, triggers, and side effect notes.

I want to share the chart for those struggling with their mental illness or who have trouble communicating with their doctor.

Once we were on the same page, he was able to give me the help I needed. I would suggest a larger sheet of paper to give room for notes.

My chart may look different than yours since I discovered my normal was actually below the normal line. You basically draw a line down the middle of a piece of paper. The line is normal mood. Then you track 1-10 above the line or below the line. Mine is not the best example but it’s the only one I kept.

I would track 1-10 below the line if I was depressed and 1-10 above the line if I was feeling good or high. I would also write some notes in there to help describe the mood or feelings at the time. There are some mood charts online that you can print off that might help.

Tracking my moods gave me a way to spell out exactly what I was going thru with documentation that helped me answer questions from the doctor that I may not have remembered otherwise.

Depression Mood Chart — I hope this helps you in some way.

Melinda

Bipolar Disorder · Mental Illness

Learning Doctor Talk

June 23, 2019 Looking for the Light1 Comment

Repost from 2014

I started seeing my Psychopharmacologist in 1992 and he intimidated me. He’s not a chipper guy and it took years to see through his shell. I was in a very dark place and spiraling down. I didn’t think he understood how depressed I was.

He only provides medication management, 15-minute appointments at most. We had a couple of frustrating meetings. I didn’t know how to reach him, I didn’t know doctor talk. He is one of the best in Texas and finding a Psychopharmacologist is difficult. I wasn’t walking away. During another frustrating meeting, he left the room to talk to a therapist he worked with. He did me the biggest favor and no doubt saved my life by asking me to talk with the therapist.

I sat down with her and expressed my frustration in getting thru to him. They had worked together for 13 years, she could provide insight into his personality and how best to communicate with him. Once we were on the same page, he was able to give me the help I needed.

Psychopharmacology: is the scientific study of the effects drugs have on mood, sensation, thinking, and behavior.The field of psychopharmacology studies a wide range of substances with various types of psychoactive properties, focusing primarily on the chemical interactions with the brain.Psychoactive drugs interact with particular target sites or receptors found in the nervous system to induce widespread changes in physiological or psychological functions. The specific interaction between drugs and their receptors is referred to as “drug action”, and the widespread changes in physiological or psychological function is referred to as “drug effect”. These drugs may originate from natural sources such as plants and animals, or from artificial sources such as chemical synthesis in the laboratory.

Child Abuse · Mental Illness · Moving Forward · Parental Abuse · Sexual Abuse · Suicide · Survivor

Survivor & So Much More First Posted 4/21/2014

May 14, 2019 Looking for the Light14 Comments

I am alive, happy, productive and helping other Survivors. I’m very blessed.

My childhood and teenage years were so difficult I truly believed suicide was the only answer. My first attempt was at 9 years old, I took all the pills in my dad’s medicine cabinet. I got a buzz then my stomach pumped. Suicide was always on my mind since the abuse was every day. If it wasn’t physical abuse, it was constant mental abuse by my mother. At the same time, I saw my mother physically and emotionally abused by my alcoholic stepfather.

At 13 years old I left my abusive life behind. It sounds great but you are so wounded you don’t want to look anyone in the eye, they may hit you or call you names. My mind stripped down and filled with trash, my mother took every drop of confidence I had. Over time my confidence grew and I started building who I am today. I did get called names and had a couple good fights. Sounds like any teenager trying to spread their wings.

I have many unresolved emotions, responses, and fears. Who doesn’t? What I can say for sure, I’m a survivor and so much more. Survivors have to dig really deep after being kicked down. It took years for me to discover what I liked and longer to get over my fear of failure.

My mother told me I was stupid all the time. I know better when I look at the books I’ve read. I do research on the internet and find internal Medical presentations. Last week was a 155 page presentation by the FDA on ECT to the medical community. I didn’t just find it, I understood entirely and told my husband about it. I’m not stupid.

I love art, music, photography, interior design, ancient history, and archeology. At the height of my career, I earned over 300K a year, #1 on the sales force. I can grow beautiful roses, collect antique cameras. I love to travel and went to Russia by myself. I’m not stupid.

I’ve had over 20 ECT Treatments while battling the Black Dog, married three times and started drinking at 9 years old. I’ve made plenty of mistakes while building the person I am today at 50 years old. I’m a survivor and so much more.

Warrior

Anxiety · Bipolar Disorder · Chronic Illness · Chronic Lyme Disease · Chronic Pain · Fibromyalgia · Mental Illness · Moving Forward · Travel

Hypo-Mania Allowed Me To Travel

June 14, 2017April 9, 2022 Looking for the Light13 Comments

The post is from the archives, written in 19XX, and cleaned a bit. I’m depressed today partly due to exhaustion from Restless Leg which returned three weeks ago, which doesn’t help my mood. Chronic Lyme Disease took my memory, stress, pain, and on and on. My brain gave parts of it back with holes, today it’s gone again. I’m rambling….the reason? I’m lost again and used the WordPress Copy a Post Function for the first time. I can’t tell you the year it was written or if the WordPress Copy Function and my brain are on the same page.

I love to travel, and my goal is to see the world. Bipolar Disorder can dictate your life. The high side is dangerous for me. Life is great, who needs sleep? Not recognizing my Hypo-Mania can make it possible. The titter totter of Bipolar is balance. One side can suffocate you in hell, the other side is suffocating without you knowing there is always a fall.

I was an Executive Sales person, number one in the company, and making big bucks, I felt so lucky that Hypo-Mania stayed for 10 years. Looking back at the scars remember the higher you go the harder you fall. I lived in hell, thought I can cover this up, when I fell it was like dominoes tipping the next.

I went to Russia by myself, traveled with my friends to France and the Caribbean, a girl trip several times a year. My doctor told me the higher you go the harder you fall. I didn’t want to give up the person I was.

The fall began slowly. I got fired from my job, blew though my savings, we’re talking half million and filled for bankruptcy. Did I mention a divorce and building a new house. I lost everything.

What I lost was not worth the high. All the negative thoughts came back. My life is not as exciting, anxiety kept me in the house. Most days didn’t get of bed, used every excuse to cover my absents.

I’ve been suicidal many times, leading me to Psychiatric Hospital to save myself. Having 20 ECT treatments in the past 10 years is not an achievement. A Vagus Nerve Stimulator was implanted in my chest. I thought the newly approved FDA device was my chance, to leave my world behind. Well no.

The thing about research is moving forward. The brain doesn’t have a road map, navigation center, or instruction manual. Medicine and technology will take us closer to managing our lives.

My husband understands most of what he’s seen. The brain is a fascinating question mark?

Warrior

Bipolar Disorder · Child Abuse · Domestic Violence · Mental Illness · Moving Forward · Parental Abuse · Sexual Abuse · Survivor

I keep Moving Forward: Not allowing My past to Chart the Future

May 31, 2017June 2, 2017 Looking for the Light3 Comments

“If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be.” Maya Angelo

I am a Survivor

My grandparents unconditional love pulled me from the abyss. After years of Therapy, I have a clear heart, no anger or self loathing. Not forgiving….forgetting, to allow myself to move forward. Over the years, people brought sunshine into my life. You were like Angels dropping in when I needed a push or pat on back.

My mother and stepfather physically and emotionally abused me until 12 years old. My stepfather beat my mother almost daily starting with hitting her head side to side down the hallway, the hallway ended at my room. Everyone in the house lived in hell, I got an extra dose.

As a small girl, I dreamed my father would save me from the traumatic abuse. The dream was over, he started sexually abusing me as a child. It was innocent at first or so it seemed. At 12 years old I moved to my father’s. It’s impossible to wrap your head around sexual abuse at any age.

In 1992 my father committed suicide. Estranged since my teens, we talked several times before his death. He called delusional and paranoid. Saying someone was tapping his phone. He told me about committing suicide, I told no one. The news devastated Granny her only child was dead. With a closed casket service it’s hard to reconcile death when you can’t see inside.

I battle with Treatment Resistant Bipolar Disorder. Diagnosed at 19 years old, I struggled for years without medication or over medicated. Thru the years I ‘ve taken over 40 prescriptions or drugs cocktails. A medication or medications worked for a while, then I had to try another mix.

Bipolar Disorder is a Mental Illness without a cure. I manage my illness everyday and each is different. Through advances in medicine and treatments, future generations may not struggle with Mental Illness. We can pay it forward by participating in questionnaires, clinical trials and talking about our illness. Educating others is the road to Breaking The Stigma.

I am alive with the help of God, Husband, Grandparents, Therapist and Psychiatrist. I’m blessed with a husband who won’t give up no matter how hard it gets.I get mean & nasty when going thru withdraw, Psychotic or Suicidal.

My background and Mental Illness is NOT a complete picture of who I am. Photography, Art and Music are my passions. I love vintage cars, riding motorcycles and the great outdoors. As a teenager I set a goal to see the world, the Bucket List is growing.

Student of Ancient History, Roman Architecture, World Religion and Art. I’m an animal lover. I’m sickened by animals being abused and killed testing dog food or facial cream. I’m concerned about extinction, global poverty and the planet. Above all Education, children are our future.

This is a snapshot of my past, I believe with the right team of doctors, treatments, extreme patience, Survivor attitude, most with Mental Illness can reach a level of control. If it just came with a guarantee to not get out of balance. The only failure is not getting up again.

A hurdle in my twenties was telling my doctor I wouldn’t take a medication. I was vain, gaining twenty pounds wouldn’t work for me. I received many attitude adjustments, whats my reality? How did I expect to get less Depressed. My doctor is hard on me 20+ years later. He is a blessing, the commitment to me is the reason I’m alive today.

M

Bipolar Disorder · Depression · Men & Womens Health · Mental Illness · Survivor

How to participate once diagnosed with a Mental Illness

March 30, 2016 Looking for the Light22 Comments

Years after my diagnoses with Bipolar Disease. I thought it was time to participate in my medical care. To understand layman’s terms, what to expect and when to call doctor. Getting on the same page as you learn doctor speak and how they hear.

A proficient Psychiatrist with a background helping Mentally Ill patients. Please save your time and money going to General Doctor. Most are not versed in how drugs work together or not. Psychiatrist understand drugs, spend more time to make diagnoses and discuss the drugs to help.

A Therapist, my foundation in healing. The key to healing is understanding yourself. They can help take the weight you’re carrying around.

Don’t stop taking your medication. Medications cause side effects, the drugs you buy at CVS have side effects. Every drug has side effects. It may take 6-8 weeks for the medicine to level off. If you want to change a drug in a week, please understand, there are no short cuts. Short cuts not only prolong the treatment and can be dangerous. If you’re determined to stop medicine, Call your doctor first! If you become delusional, psychotic or determined to hurt yourself go to local hospital.

Keep a journal to document the changes in mood. Keeping a log helped my doctor see my mood was cycling. A medication change was needed.

There are many ideas on how people were helped or not by medicine. I will admit a couple of times a new drug to current mix sent me reeling. I am always on the internet reading about each drug especially now with Lyme medications. I’m sharing my experiences in hopes of helping someone.

🙂

Abuse · Advocacy · Bipolar Disorder · Caregiver · Child Abuse · Domestic Violence

Reckless, When I didn’t deserve it God held my hand

February 26, 2016 Looking for the Light3 Comments

The honest lyrics describe me, no others words needed. God had his hand on me. Tomorrow I’ll believe. Having a bad ME day.

Sending love to you this weekend. Xx M

Alcohol · Child Abuse · Mental Illness · Music · Suicide

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY 1940-1992 A Daughters Elvis Tribute

February 21, 2016February 22, 2016 Looking for the Light14 Comments

Original post 8/2014

Elvis Presley had a lifetime fan in my father. I remember playing his Elvis records at 4 yrs. old. Jumping on my friends pink canopy bed with hair brushes belting out Jailhouse Rock. After the divorce Daddy would visit driving to a mom & pop store, we’d get bottles of RC Cola, sitting in-car belting out to the radio. We had to drink in the parking lot because the bottles required a deposit, after finished daddy would take back for the deposit. I think it was a dime. My father was one of my abusers, I have few good memories, they’re cherished. I forgave my father, choose to focus on this nugget. My father was mentally ill, committing suicide in 1992. Abuse complicates grieving, warm tears roll down as I write. Tears for my grandmothers pain and the years I didn’t have a father. He was reading the Book of Job during his last struggle, the last moments between him and God.

To daddy

Alcohol · Bipolar Disorder · Child Abuse · Mental Illness · Rape · Sexual Abuse · Suicide

Do you know me at all?

February 21, 2016February 22, 2016 Looking for the Light4 Comments

Original post 3/2014

It’s been an emotional month with thoughts of my father’s suicide and writing about him for the first time. I never grieved my father, the emotions caught me by surprise. It’s been very confusing because my father was one of my abusers. I am having health issues which is stressful. The Black Dog has come to see me. I have seen a Neurologist for three months, having test after test with no answers. This weeks appointment was no different, no diagnosis. I understand there is not always a clean answer. Three years ago I started down a similar path looking for answers to my heart issues. It was an extremely stressful two years looking for an answer. I laid my folder aside to give thought to my next step. At the moment I’m thinking of doing nothing. I have spent 9 years out of 13 years taking care of my grandparents until their death. Months after my grandfather died, I became suicidal and spent close to a month hospitalized. I want to know who am I now. I would give everything for my grandparents and trying to stay alive. My husband thinks I worked so hard for so long my body crashed. My mind did to. I can’t think about doctor’s appointments week after week. I want to live! I’m 50, the slate is clean. I’m ready to find me. I haven’t had my hair cut in 8 months, rarely leave the house and could not tell you for a million dollars the last time we ate out. Those were my decisions, my husband is extremely supportive. Everyday he comes home amazes me. Life with me is not easy. I have abuse issues and Bipolar Disorder. I don’t smile much anymore, just realized while writing this. I want to move forward rebuilding my life. I want to smile and take time to smell the roses with my camera. I wore the same mask in 10th grade. The difference is I was an alcoholic. It was easier to hide behind a bottle. I could always blame my behavior on being drunk.

Mental Illness · PTSD

Survivors Blog Here Welcomes From The Darkness in to the Sunshine

October 23, 2015February 14, 2016 Looking for the Light4 Comments

We are jumping for joy at Survivors Blog Here, Lisa has joined our team. The cake, kazoo, party hats are ready. Lisa is struggling with Bipolar Disorder and is on the low in. To add to the Depression, Anxiety and her family recently moved to another country.

One of the qualities I love about Lisa, she lays her emotions on the table. She is open to support or sharing your story. Lisa is struggling to dig out of Depression yet she still helps those she can.

Please visit Lisa, fromthedarknessintothesunshine.wp.com , Pull up a chair and get to know her.

Welcome to our team Lisa.

Advocacy · Bipolar Disorder · Suicide

TED Talk: Sherwin Nuland on Electroshock Therapy

September 22, 2015February 14, 2016 Looking for the Light2 Comments

He shares his experience with Depression and ECT treatment. It’s an eye opener. XO M

Advocacy · Caregiver · Sexual Abuse · Survivor

Randstein nominated me for Once a Victim Now a Survivor Award

July 30, 2015February 14, 2016 Looking for the Light24 Comments

Thank you my friend Randstein

A special thank you to Randstein for nominating me the Once A Victim Now A Survivor Award. Randstein is a good friend, always happy to help, writes the most fantastic stories. His short stories give you plenty to think about. Randstien’s blog is hyperionsturm.wp.com. He’s a founding member of survivorsbloghere.wp.com I’m glad to have met him, my life has expanded.

This award is for those who have gone through mental illness of any kind, abuse, trauma, and especially PTSD.

The Rules:

1. Thank the blogger that nominated you

2. Nominate 5 – 10 bloggers to pass the award to

3. Post 5 questions for your nominees to answer (you may use the same as these below)

4. Inform your nominees and post a comment in their blog to let them know they’ve been nominated

Questions:

1. In what ways do you feel that blogging can help people with psychological trauma or mental illness? I think writing can help in many ways. It’s perfect outlet to share, work thru pain and trauma. Blogging provides support from people who are a few steps ahead. The experience of putting your pain in a post can give a feeling of success. Writing thoughts down can help you see what needs more work. Posting takes a load off, no matter how small. We gain confidence one step at a time.

2. How has blogging helped you with your healing, or your personal journey? I started blogging after years of therapy, not needing as much help. My background made me compassionate, realizing I’m a Caregiver. When someone takes my hand for help, my heart overflows with sunshine.

3. What books, movies, or YouTube channels would you recommend to someone with a similar background to you? (Books Always)

Shock by Kitty Dukakis & Larry Tye A personal story of Kitty’s experience with ECT

50 Psychology Ideas You Really Need To Know Adrian Furnham

Bipolar Disorder-A Guide For Patients & Family Francis M. Mondimore M.D. I participated in a study for John Hopkins and he interviewed me. Nice guy and excellent book.

Natural History of Emotions by Stuart Walton’s He examines the core emotions based on Charles Darwin’s survey of emotions. I’m reading again, the reason I always buy books.

4. When did you start your blog and what inspired you? My current blog stated on 9/22/13. My father committed suicide 9/2001. He was on my mind, I wanted to express my pain.

5. What types of blogs do you follow? I follow blogs similar backgrounds or circumstances. I follow blogs that appears the person is spiraling down and needs help. Sometimes its people who visit my blog and they look interesting. I don’t follow rant blogs.

Nominees:

This is where I have to bail on my commitment. I can not following thru on making nominations. I am battling an illness and must choose how to use less the least energy. I’m on bed rest. Thank you for the prayers and standing by me. Huge Hugs.

If the Award applies to you, please accept and pass along.

Hugs Melinda

Alcohol · Child Abuse · Moving Forward · Rape · Sexual Abuse · Survivor

Throw Back Thursday Memories…Good Times…Regrets

June 10, 2015February 14, 2016 Looking for the Light26 Comments

When introspective, I fall in to music. Music defines a time and space. The memories are not all good, many are from rough times in life. No one knows what each song means to me or why, the answers locked away. A favorite U2 song is ” Running to Stand Still”. Etched in my soul, reflecting on my life.

Pull up a chair or lounge with a lover, Enjoy the beverage. I would pick a Merlot to relax and take in the moment. XO Warrior

Mental Illness · Survivor · Ted Talks

TED Talk with Ruby Wax What’s so Funny about Mental Illness?

May 5, 2015 Looking for the Light9 Comments

TED Talks are an invaluable resource for information on almost any topic. The talks are only 20 minutes long, allowing you the chance to learn in short spurts. Joining the website is free. Check it out you might find another addition.

XO Warrior

Mental Illness · Survivor · Ted Talks

TED Talk with Ruby Wax What's so Funny about Mental Illness?

May 5, 2015February 14, 2016 Looking for the Light9 Comments

XO Warrior

Mental Illness

Bring Change 2 Mind End the stigma of Mental Illness

May 5, 2015February 14, 2016 Looking for the Light2 Comments

BRING CHANGE 2 MIND-END THE STIGMA

Dear Friend,

Every story shared brings change and helps to end stigma. Here’s mine:

I never aspired to be a mental health advocate. I’m an entrepreneur, a business guy, a creative type with an appreciation for the bottom line. If things don’t work, you fix them.

When one of my three beautiful children became sick with a mental illness, our family faced tremendous pain and confusion. Stigma kept our struggle private, fear kept us on heightened alert, and treatment options were hard to navigate. We were now on the front lines of mental illness, and experiencing stigma first hand.

My daughter, Emily, lost her courageous battle with a borderline personality disorder and depression on March 17, 2013. She is forever in our hearts.

In her honor, our family has vowed to end the terrible stigma that surrounds mental health challenges and to promote wellness. Our hope is that other families never confront such pain and loss.

As the Chairman of the Board of BC2M, I am humbled to see the number of people that we have touched through our website, PSAs, social media sites, and programs. We are creating change, and starting conversations where there once was silence.

To keep the conversation going, I am compelled to help raise funds to support BC2M. This month, my company, mybody Advanced Probiotic Skincare, will partner to support Bring Change 2 Mind by donating 20% of the proceeds from the sales of our best selling products. I hope you will consider purchasing a product or donating to support this mission. mybody skincare products use innovative probiotic technology to bring positive change to skin for better health and wellness, inside and out.

That’s my story, and one example of how I am going to fight stigma. What’s yours?

Join us. Help us. #StartTheConversation

Sincerely,
David Watson
Chair, Board of Directors

Bring Change 2 Mind
1265 Battery Street, Fifth Floor, San Francisco, CA 94111
415.814.8846

http://information@bringchange2mind.org

Mental Illness

NAMI reports finds there’s a long way to go on Mental Health Parity

May 1, 2015 Looking for the Light4 Comments

ADVOCACY REPORT UPDATE

NAMI Report Finds There’s A Long Road To Go On Mental Health Parity

So, you have health insurance. What mental health and substance use care can you get? From which providers? At what cost? Do your benefits compare to coverage for other types of medical conditions? To answer these questions NAMI surveyed over 2,700 people nationwide given new protections under the Mental Health Parity and Addiction Equity Act and the Affordable Care Act.

Read all about it in NAMI’s new report: A Long Road Ahead: Achieving True Parity in Mental Health and Substance Use Care. Our survey found that people with mental illness and substance use disorders have trouble getting mental health care even when they have health insurance coverage. Specific problems found include:

Significant difficulties in finding mental health providers in health plan networks;
Denials for mental health care at rates far higher than for other types of medical care;
Inadequate coverage of psychiatric medications in health insurance plans;
High out of pocket costs in health insurance plans that sometimes cause people with mental illness or substance use disorders to forego needed care;
Lack of transparency and information about health insurance plans that make it very difficult for consumers and families to make informed decisions about the plans that are best for them.
Read more. http://www.nami.org/parityreport

NY Attorney General Scores Fifth Mental Health Parity Victory

In a mental health parity victory in New York, Attorney General Eric Schneiderman reached a settlement agreement with Excellus Health Plans in March. The investigation found that Excellus denied mental health claims at almost twice the rate of other medical-surgical claims. This settlement is the fifth settlement by the Attorney General’s office since last year. Other settlement agreements have involved: Cigna Corp., MVP Health Care, Emblem Health and Beacon Health Options, formerly known as Value Options. Read more: http://www.ag.ny.gov/press-release/ag-schneiderman-announces-settlement-excellus-health-plan-end-wrongful-denial-mental

Learn More About Mental Health Parity!

After years of NAMI advocacy letters, making phone calls and visits to members of Congress mental health parity is finally the law of the land. Now it’s time to make sure that the law works to give people the treatment and supports they are entitled to. To help you understand and advocate, NAMI developed an infographic showing the basics of what mental health parity, how to tell wehther a given health plan has to follow this law, how plans are required to comply and what to do if the plan is not performing as required.

Bright Spot: NAMI Florida

After years of neglecting mental health services, over 100 mental health bills were filed this session in the Florida legislature. Many of those bills have been combined into omnibus legislation in the House (HB 7119) and Senate (SB 7070). NAMI Florida was there to advocate to strengthen these important bills.

Follow some of NAMI’s Policy Team on Twitter to stay up-to-date on what is going on in #MentalHealth Policy @NAMIPolicyWonk and @DarcyGrutt.

Thank you for your advocacy!

Mental Illness

NAMI reports finds there's a long way to go on Mental Health Parity

May 1, 2015February 14, 2016 Looking for the Light4 Comments

ADVOCACY REPORT UPDATE

NAMI Report Finds There’s A Long Road To Go On Mental Health Parity

NY Attorney General Scores Fifth Mental Health Parity Victory

Learn More About Mental Health Parity!

Bright Spot: NAMI Florida

Follow some of NAMI’s Policy Team on Twitter to stay up-to-date on what is going on in #MentalHealth Policy @NAMIPolicyWonk and @DarcyGrutt.

Thank you for your advocacy!

Mental Illness

I talk about Mental Health because my family deserves a voice…Glenn Close

May 1, 2015February 14, 2016 Looking for the Light1 Comment

BRING CHANGE 2 MIND

Dear Friend,

I talk about mental health because stigma prevents too many people from seeking the help or support that they may need. At BC2M, we talk about this 365 days a year. And, each May, we talk about it with a wider audience reached through the increased media attention generated by Mental Health Awareness Month.

Are you talking about mental health? What are you saying? We want to know!

On May 1st, we are launching a new campaign, #ITalk, as a way to start and continue these conversations around the world. Throughout the month, we will be sharing stories, images, and reasons why members of the BC2M community are talking about mental health, and we hope that you will choose to join us. To share your #ITalk motivation, please send or post your photo with 5 to 7 words on why you talk about mental health.

Additionally, please continue to send us photos and messages when you see our latest PSA, #StrongerThanStigma. We love hearing from you about where this powerful piece is raising awareness around the unique challenges that men face when discussing mental health. During May, it will be in heavy rotation on television, in theaters, print, and outdoor placements, including on the big digital screens in New York City’s Times Square.

This month, and every month, we thank you for your incredible support, and for your continued efforts to help BC2M start the conversation and end the stigma. Let’s talk about mental health.

Sincerely,
Pamela Harrington
Executive Director

Bring Change 2 Mind
1265 Battery Street, Fifth Floor, San Francisco, CA 94111
415.814.8846 | information@bringchange2mind.org

Mental Illness

Dr. Christoph Correll on Antipsychotics and How to Keep Kids Healthy

April 20, 2015February 14, 2016 Looking for the Light1 Comment

I was excited to find a doctor talk about the treatment medications for mental illness and side effects including weight gain. His approach is working with the lowest amount medication and stay very aware of the metabolic issues. I’m a firm believer mental illness effects everyone in family and their peers. He shares ideas on how to work with/off set the weight gain. After thirty plus years with Bipolar Disorder, taking over 40 medications, weight gain is a given with certain types of drugs.

If you have a child,spouse or family member with mental illness please watch the video together to open dialog. Young girls have many pressures with weight already. Open dialogue may help down the road. He provides a short overview of types of drugs with high risk of weight gain or metabolic problem.