Aging · Caregiver · Celebrate Life · Elderly · Family · Men & Womens Health

Caregiver to Grieving in Four Days

Originally posted in 2010

Each day was a roller coaster of how he felt and how exhausted I was. I learned so much being a caregiver to my grandmother and grandfather. As the population ages, many of you will take on the responsibility. One of the most difficult changes was going from granddaughter to caregiver. Even at 92 my grandfather had a strong mind and felt he didn’t need help. I prayed for strength every day.

My grandfather died in 2010 at the young age of 92 years old. I spent more time with him in 2010 year than I spent at home. I cherish the time we had together, no matter how painful. They are my memories and my life changed forever with his death. His health declined so fast that for two days

I did not realize that he was dying now, not in a couple of weeks. He was at home under hospice care and would not get in the hospital bed until two days before he passed. He fell out of bed that morning, he was so weak it was difficult for me to get him back in bed. I don’t think we would have been able to talk him into moving to the hospital bed if he had not fallen. For him the bed meant death and he was still fighting. 

My grandfather had End Stage Kidney Disease. An emergency trip to the hospital for his AFIB is how we learned he had about two months to live. We knew his kidneys were losing function but I was not ready for a timeline. His doctor had not given me that impression on a recent visit so I asked her to review the hospital records. I was not surprised but very saddened that she agreed with the prognosis. It took a couple weeks for my grandfather to believe the doctors were right. Kidney failure is a silent killer and luckily for some, it is not a painful one. You start sleeping more until you sleep yourself into a coma.

I arrived on Sunday afternoon after two days of relief of duty and he didn’t look any different. Monday morning I knew he was out of it by the things he was saying but thought it was a bad day. Tuesday I knew he was weak when he fell out of bed and felt like dead weight. It took everything in me to get him back in bed.

My grandfather died on Thursday. What the doctors did not tell me is the older the patients die faster. The end came weeks sooner than we thought. I’m so thankful that my grandfather and I had time together to say what we wanted to say, cry about the loss, and enjoy the memories. I have no regrets.

Cleaning out the house was so hard, years of memories were everywhere. My grandmother left notes on everything, it was like mourning her death as I found each note. Notes on the back of photos, on little pieces of paper, and even on masking tape. I knew all the notes were there, we had looked at them many times but it was different this time. Everything was packed up this time and the house cleared out. My grandparents raised me so I’ve lost my parents, they were the best you could ever pray for.  The house is empty but I see my life in every room, the great memories with my grandparents are everywhere you look. I am starting a new chapter in my life. It’s a long journey ahead.

Xx   M

Caregiver · Celebrate Life · Elderly · Family · Health and Wellbeing · Moving Forward

I’m Mourning and She’s Still Alive

Originally posted in 2005

My grandmother passed away from Dementia from two strokes in 2005. I’m reposting for the caregivers dealing with a loved one with Alzheimer’s or Dementia. For those who have not been a caregiver, these posts may help you down the road. For the caregivers who give every ounce of energy, just one piece of advice if I may. Take time to clear your head, 10 or 30 minutes whatever you can for yourself each week. I did not have anyone to offer suggestions and had a brain drain after both of their deaths. My body was physically broken down. Due to the nature of the illness, it’s hard to take an eye off them, 24/7. I was fortunate we had hospice care for both of my grandparents. My grandfather was healthy enough to help my grandmother. 

I’m Morning and She’s Still Alive

As the caregiver for my grandparents, my hands are full yet my mind runs at a high level by switching to what I call “caregiver mode”. I can manage tons of information about what drugs they take, schedule appointments, discuss test results, or anything else needed to take care of two people who are dying and “switch back” when at home.

Before her fall and a broken hip, my grandmother knew me. Our conversations were limited but sharing memories with her made my day. She really enjoyed a photo book I put together with many photos of her beloved dog, Blackie. Thinking about Blackie always made her smile, even though he died twenty years ago she remembers him like it was today.

On the way to their house, last week tears started rolling down my face, I could not stop crying. It took a few minutes to figure out what was causing so much pain. My mind had switched to caregiver mode from granddaughter and realized my grandmother no longer knew me. We would not share our memories again. I knew the day would come and say prayers for the memories we shared. The realization was much harder to accept. I am in mourning and miss my grandmother so much.

Xx  M    aka Warrior

Aging · Anxiety · Caregiver · Chronic Illness · Dementia · Elderly · Family · Health and Wellbeing · Healthy Living · Medical

My First Post In 2005 – Dementia Induced Thought’s Of Suicide

I looked back at my very first post written as a blogger, the site was different, it was called Defining Memories but I have since published on Look for the Light. I started Defining Memories in 2005 to help me mourn my Granny. It was a very dark time and writing was the perfect outlet.

I hope reading this post is as cathartic for you as it has been for me. The subject matter has changed since 2005 but the feeling and release it gives me is the same.

Thank you so much for reading and following me on my journey.

Photo by Gilberto Olimpio on Pexels.com

Being a caregiver to a dying loved one can leave you drained of emotion, exhausted, and frustrated. All perfectly normal feelings. I felt a quilt mixed in my bowl of emotions. I grew up knowing my grandparents wanted to die at home. I would grant the wish if possible. They inspired me, saved me from abuse, and blessed me with unconditional love.

Helping my gramps when making difficult life decisions, while working hard to remember she is my Granny. There were uncomfortable conversations, articulate to doctors how she is progressing and butt heads with family members. I ran a tight ship and had no problem telling people it was time to leave, and not allowing people over every day. God blessed me with the ability to turn my depression down and step up to the next level. Love for my Granny drove my decision to give her an extra morphine stick. She died in my hands while I kissed her goodbye.

As our population ages, the number of caregivers increases. It can seem overwhelming at times. If you don’t have a blog I would suggest checking out, it gave me an outlet. Caregivers choose to open their hearts to emotional and physical challenges. 

Dementia-Induced Thoughts Of Suicide

Today I used one of four “in case of emergency” pills to keep my Granny from hurting herself during a dementia-related meltdown brought on by my Gramps going to the grocery store. She’s had many of these episodes since her stroke almost two years ago. Today I saw the beginning of the end in her face. As I look at the three pills in the bottle, I try to accept that we will need to “ease” the trauma more times before her memory is gone.

Her stroke caused dementia, and at 84 she continues to slide downhill. The meds do a good job of controlling the anger and aggression but on days like today, nothing short of a miracle works. I had to reach for “the emergency” stash and this sank in as I watched her doze off from the effects.

Today she did not recognize her own home and thought my Gramps abandoned her in somebody else’s house while going to the grocery store. She became enraged and very self-destructive by hitting herself in the head while saying that she would rather be dead than be left “here” by herself. I tried to calm her as I always do but today nothing worked. I tried to get her to focus on what I was saying but it was too late, she was lost in her painful reality. It was a very hard choice but a drug-induced calm over self-inflicted harm is the right thing to do.

While waiting for the drug to work I showed her photos of her and my grandfather from 24 years ago, a photo of my father on a pony when he was a child, and many others I took off the walls to see if she could connect to anything. She recognized my dad but several other family members were a blur. It was so painful to watch her lose touch, it ripped my heart out.

Those four pills were the “holy grail” and they took me back to the night of her stroke when Gramps went home to try to nap and she got upset that he was not there. It took six of us to hold down an 82-year-old who barely weighed 100 lbs. Her aggression reached a point where she needed restraining. Her arms were tied to the bed yet she managed to fight. I used all of my weight to hold her down to the bed, yelling at the nurse where the hell was a shot to knock her out. The nurse did not articulate to the doctor the situation’s urgency so he did not approve a sedative. I told her if she could not articulate the need, she would pass the phone to me. I would get the message across.  The doctor ordered a sedative.

Watching her lose touch with reality is like seeing your child get hit by a car in slow motion and not being able to get a word out. I’m thankful for the time we spent together no matter how painful. I focus on the good moments and do not hold on to difficult days like this.

M

Aging · Anxiety · Caregiver · Celebrate Life · Chronic Illness · Communication · Family · Health and Wellbeing · Men & Womens Health

Lost in Caregiver Twilight Zone

Repost from 2009

We learned my gramps had months to live during a hospital stay. One very important piece of information the doctor did not share is people his age die much quicker. My gramps died in February 2010. We knew the end was near yet you were never ready. For me, times were challenging and emotions raw. You look at your loved one knowing they are dying yet you don’t want them to know you see death when you look at them. My gramps had Prostate Cancer, Bladder Cancer, and Chronic Kidney Failure. His breathing labored from not getting enough oxygen in the blood. Partially brought on by not using his oxygen. Kidney Failure caused severe anemia, and he took shots once a month to help with energy.  

*******************

December 2009

I’ve been caring for my 92-year-old grandfather for five weeks following three surgeries within seven days. I’m so tired it’s numbing. My grandfather is a man of habits driven by the time of day, maybe from his military background. One morning he was upset when the hospital had not brought his coffee and could not see he was the problem. We’re in a hospital, not the Hilton. At home, it was far worse. It does not matter that I have changed the sheets again this morning, changed his soiled underpants more than once, and got him dressed for the day. If the coffee is not ready when he expects it or I don’t have the newspaper yet, I hear about it. My grandparents raised me and I love my grandfather dearly but it’s hard to bite my tongue. I want to ask if doesn’t he realize or care that I’ve been moving since 5:00 a.m. to take care of him.

At 92 he lives at home alone, still drives (very limited), and goes to the local Senior Center several times a week to play dominos. He amazes me with each year. He is the healthiest dying person I know and in his mind, he is much younger and more capable. This makes it impossible for him to understand recovery will take several more weeks at least. I catch him doing things he shouldn’t and I get the standard “I can do it”. He also acts like a child when he doesn’t want to do something, most of the time it’s taking his medicine or getting up to move around.

I push him gently but firmly to get up and move around. Laying in bed or sleeping in the chair all day will not improve his strength. He does not like being told what to do. You learn what you’re made of in stressful times. Our minds and bodies can withstand so much to help someone we love. All I know is tomorrow is a new day.

I grew up in their house and it feels strange to stay in my old bedroom at 46. The house built in 1950, is in the hood, has no dishwasher, internet, or privacy. I am going crazy without my internet escape. I’m in the twilight zone, washing dishes by hand three times a day, and the room is the same as it was when I left home in 1981.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Melinda

Aging · Anxiety · Caregiver · Chronic Illness · Dementia · Elderly · Family · Health and Wellbeing · Healthy Living · Medical

My First Post In 2005 – Dementia Induced Thought’s Of Suicide

I looked back at my very first post written as a blogger, the site was different, it was called Defining Memories then but I have published on Look for the Light before. I started Defining Memories to help me mourn my granny. It was a very dark time for me and writing was the perfect outlet.

I hope the writing is as cathartic for you as it has been for me, the subject matter has changed over time but the feeling and release it gives me is the same.

Thank you so much for reading and following me on my journey.

Photo by Gilberto Olimpio on Pexels.com

Being a caregiver to a dying loved one can leave you drained of emotion, exhausted, and frustrated. All perfectly normal feelings. I felt a quilt mixed in my bowl of emotions. I grew up knowing my grandparents wanted to die at home. I would grant the wish if possible. They inspired me, saved me from parental abuse, and blessed me with unconditional love.

Helping my gramps when making difficult life decisions, while working hard to remember she is my Granny. There were uncomfortable conversations, articulate to doctors how she is progressing and butt heads with family members. I ran a tight ship and had no problem telling people it was time to leave, and not allowing people over every day. God blessed me with the ability to turn my depression down and step up to the next level. Love for my Granny drove my decision to give her an extra morphine stick. She died in my hands while I kissed her goodbye.

As our population ages, the number of caregivers increases. It can seem overwhelming at times. If you don’t have a blog I would suggest checking out, it gave me an outlet. Caregivers choose to open their hearts to emotional and physical challenges. 

Dementia-Induced Thoughts Of Suicide

Today I used one of four “in case of emergency” pills to keep my Granny from hurting herself during a dementia-related meltdown brought on by my Gramps going to the grocery store. She’s had many of these episodes since her stroke almost two years ago. Today I saw the beginning of the end in her face. As I look at the three pills in the bottle, I try to accept that we will need to “ease” the trauma more times before her memory is gone.

Her stroke caused dementia, and at 84 she continues to slide downhill. The meds do a good job of controlling the anger and aggression but on days like today, nothing short of a miracle works. I had to reach for “the emergency” stash and this sank in as I watched her doze off from the effects.

Today she did not recognize her own home and thought my Gramps abandoned her in somebody else’s house while going to the grocery store. She became enraged and very self-destructive by hitting herself in the head while saying that she would rather be dead than be left “here” by herself. I tried to calm her as I always do but today nothing worked. I tried to get her to focus on what I was saying but it was too late, she was lost in her painful reality. It was a very hard choice but a drug-induced calm over self-inflicted harm is the right thing to do.

While waiting for the drug to work I showed her photos of her and my grandfather from 24 years ago, a photo of my father on a pony when he was a child, and many others I took off the walls to see if she could connect to anything. She recognized my dad but several other family members were a blur. It was so painful to watch her lose touch, it ripped my heart out.

Those four pills were the “holy grail” and they took me back to the night of her stroke when Gramps went home to try to nap and she got upset that he was not there. It took six of us to hold down an 82-year-old who barely weighed 100 lbs. Her aggression reached a point where she needed restraining. Her arms were tied to the bed yet she managed to fight. I used all of my weight to hold her down to the bed, yelling at the nurse where the hell was a shot to knock her out. The nurse did not articulate to the doctor the urgency of the situation so he did not approve a sedative. I told her if she could not articulate the need, pass the phone to me. I would get the message across.  The doctor ordered a sedative.

Watching her lose touch with reality is like seeing your child get hit by a car in slow motion and not being able to get a word out. I’m thankful for the time we spent together no matter how painful. I focus on the good moments and do not hold on to difficult days like this.

M

Caregiver · Elderly · Family · Men & Womens Health

Caregiver 101 Tips I Missed

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

Reblogged from 2009

I care for my 92-year-old gramps and have been here for five weeks. He had three surgeries in seven days. Without Caregiving 101 training, I learned the hard way.

*Ask the doctor what happens if the procedure does not work.

*If a second procedure does not work, is there a third option.

*What is the recovery time and type of home health services needed.

*Is the surgery necessary for a 92-year-old who is already dying!

Gramps went in for non-invasive surgery, nothing prepared me for the outcome. I’ve been through several surgeries with gramps. This procedure had not been performed before however, it sounded like the least complicated procedure to date. I forgot nothing is normal or non-invasive at 92 years old. We went from going home that afternoon, to having three surgeries over seven days. I made the mistake of thinking the procedure would go as in the past. Age makes all the difference, five years at this stage of Kidney Failure can change everything.

I’m blessed to spend this time with gramps, we still have a long road ahead. It is emotional and life-changing. I’ve become the parent and he doesn’t like me telling him when to take his medicine. He has raised his voice more in the past month than in my lifetime. It’s hard to take it in stride, just bite the tongue. Stress has triggered my depression, I struggle to keep myself in check and take care of my gramps.

In Health,

Melinda

Caregiver · Elderly · Family · Health and Wellbeing

Caregiver to Grieving in Four Days

Each day was a roller coaster by how he felt and how exhausted I was. I learned so much being a caregiver to my grandmother and grandfather. As the population ages many of you will take on the responsibility. One of the most difficult changes was going from granddaughter to caregiver. Even at 92 my grandfather had a strong mind and felt he didn’t need help. I prayer for strength everyday.

My grandfather died in 2010 at the young age of 92 years old. I spent more time with him 2010 year than I spent at home. I cherish the time we had together, no matter how painful. They are my memories and my life changed forever with his death. His health declined so fast that for two days I did not realize that he was dying now, not in a couple of weeks. He was at home under hospice care and would not get in the hospital bed until two days before he passed. He fell out of bed that morning, he was so weak it was difficult for me to get him back in bed. I don’t think we would have been able to talk him into moving to the hospital bed if he had not fallen. For him the bed meant death and he was still fighting. My grandfather had End Stage Kidney Disease. An emergency trip to the hospital for his AFIB is how we learned he had about two months to live. We knew his kidneys were losing function but I was not ready for a timeline. His doctor had not given me that impression on a recent visit so I asked her to review the hospital records. I was not surprised but very saddened that she agreed with the prognosis. It took a couple weeks for my grandfather to believe the doctors were right. Kidney failure is a silent killer and luckily not a painful one. You start sleeping more until you sleep yourself into a coma.

I arrived on Sunday afternoon after two days of relief and he didn’t look any different. Monday morning I knew he was out of it by the things he was saying but thought it was a bad day. Tuesday I knew he was weak when he fell out of bed and felt like dead weight. It took everything in me to get him back in bed. My grandfather died on Thursday. What the doctors did not tell me is people his age die faster, the end came weeks sooner than we thought. I’m so thankful that my grandfather and I had time together to say what we wanted to say, cry for the loss and enjoy the memories. I have no regrets.

Cleaning out the house was so hard, 46 years of memories everywhere. My grandmother left notes on everything, it was like mourning her death as I found each note. Notes on back of photos, on little pieces of paper and even masking tape. I knew all the notes were there, we had looked at them many times but it was different this time. Everything being packed up this time and the house cleared out. My grandparents raised me so I’ve lost parents, they were the best you could ever pray for.  The house is empty but I see my life in every room, the great memories with my grandparents are everywhere you look. I am starting a new chapter in my life. It’s a long  journey ahead.

Xx   M

Caregiver · Elderly · Family · Men & Womens Health

Caregiver 101 Tips I Missed

Reblogged from 2009

I care for my 92-year-old gramps and have been here five weeks. He had three surgeries in seven days. Without Caregiving 101 training, I learned the hard way.

*Ask the doctor what happens if the  procedure does not work.

*If a second procedure does not work, is there a third option.

*What is the recovery time and type of home health services needed.

*Is the surgery necessary for a 92-year-old who is already dying!

Gramps went in for non-invasive surgery, nothing prepared me for the outcome. I’ve been through several surgeries with gramps. This procedure had not been performed before however it sounded like the least complicated procedure to date. I forgot nothing is normal or non-invasive at 92 years old. We went from going home that afternoon, to having three surgeries over seven days. I made the mistake of thinking the procedure would go as in the past. Age makes all the difference, five years at this stage of Kidney Failure can change everything.

I’m blessed to spend this time with gramps, we still have a long road ahead. It is emotional and life changing. I’ve become the parent and he doesn’t like me telling him when to take his medicine. He has raised his voice more in the past month than in my lifetime. It’s hard to take it in stride, just bite tongue. Stress has triggered my depression, I struggle to keep myself in check and take care of my gramps.

 

Xx  M   aka Warrior

Caregiver · Elderly · Family · Health and Wellbeing

Lost in Caregiver Twilight Zone

Written on 12/21/2009

I’m caring for my 92-year-old grandfather following three surgeries in seven days. I’m so tired it’s numbing, it’s impossible to think about doing it again tomorrow.  My grandfather is a man of habits driven by the time of day, maybe from his military background. One morning he was upset when the hospital had not brought his coffee and could not see he was the problem. We’re in a hospital not the Hilton. At home it was far worse. It does not matter that I have changed the sheets again this morning, changed his soiled underpants more than once and got him dressed for the day. If the coffee is not ready when he expects or I don’t have the newspaper yet, I hear about it. My grandparents raised me and I love my grandfather dearly but it’s hard to bite my tongue. I want to ask doesn’t he realize or care that I’ve been moving since 5:00 a.m. to take care of him.

At 92 he lives at home alone, still drives (very limited), buys groceries and goes to the local Senior Center several times a week to play dominos. He amazes me with each year. He is the healthiest dying person I know and in his mind he is much younger and more capable. This makes it impossible for him to understand recovery will take several more weeks at least. I catch him doing things he shouldn’t and I get the standard “I can do it”.  He also acts like a child when he doesn’t want to do something, most of the time it’s taking his medicine or getting up to move around.

I push him gently but firmly to get up and move around. Laying in bed or sleeping in the chair all day will not improve his strength. Like all of us, he does not like being told what to do. You learn what you’re made of in stressful times. Our mind and bodies can withstand so much to help someone we love. All I know is tomorrow is a new day.

I grew up in this house and it feels strange to stay in my old bedroom at 46. The house built in 1950, is in the hood, has no dishwasher, Internet or privacy. I am going crazy without my Internet escape. I’m in the twilight zone, washing dishes by hand three times a day and the room is the same since leaving home in 1981. Tomorrow is a new day.

Caregiver · Elderly · Family

I’m Mourning and She’s Still Alive

My grandmother passed away with Dementia from two strokes in 2005. I’m reposting for the caregivers dealing with a loved one with Alzheimer’s or Dementia. For those who have not been a caregiver, these post may help you down the road. For the caregivers who give every ounce of energy, just one piece of advice if I may. Take time to clear your head, 10 or 30 minutes whatever you can for yourself each week. I did not have any one to offer suggestions and had brain drain after both of their deaths. My body was physically broken down. Due to the nature of the illness, it’s hard to take an eye off them, 24/7. I was fortunate we had hospice care for both of my grandparents. My grandfather was healthy enough to help with my grandmother. I don’t know how to turn my brain off.

I’m Morning and She’s Still Alive

As the caregiver for my grandparents, my hands are full yet my mind runs at a high level by switching to what I call “caregiver mode”. I can manage tons of information about what drugs they take, schedule appointments, discuss test results or anything else needed to take care of two people who are dying and “switch back” when at home.

Before the fall and broken hip, my grandmother knew me. Our conversations limited yet sharing memories with her made my day. She really enjoyed a photo book I put together with many photos of her beloved dog, Blackie. Thinking about Blackie always made her smile, even though he died twenty years ago she remembers him like it was today.

On the way to their house, last week tears started rolling down my face, I could not stop crying. It took a few minutes to figure out what was causing so much pain. My mind had switched from caregiver to granddaughter and realized my grandmother no longer knew me. We would not share our memories again. I knew the day would come and say prayers for the memories we shared. The realization was much harder to accept. I am in mourning and miss my grandmother so much.

Xx  M

Caregiver · Celebrate Life · Elderly · Moving Forward

WOW! WordPress Achievement

 

Journalism

My first blog started in 2005 and hosted by Blogger. I was caring for my dying grandmother. I had to write and let it go. Her death was devastating, as you’ve read in many post. She’s never left my side. Granny was the strongest woman I ever met, she knew how to keep her mouth shut. Something I did not inherit. I could let out steam, cry by myself, recharge for next day. Yesterday WordPress sent an Achievement notice. Time does fly, in sickness and health.

You are the reason I’ve stayed. You followed me, left good and a few bad comments, you lifted me up when I was down. Most importantly your Blog has entertained, made me cry and lifted my spirits to the sky. I am blessed to talk with each of you. Thank you for standing by me these crazy eight years.  M

ACHIEVEMENT

  1. 8 Year Anniversary Achievement
    Happy Anniversary with WordPress.com!
    You registered on WordPress.com 8 years ago.
    Thanks for flying with us. Keep up the good blogging.
Caregiver · Chronic Lyme Disease

Lyme Update #15 *In Sickness and In Health*

Money can create stress in the strongest marriages. With Chronic Lyme the topic of money was an issue in our house. How does $39,000 for 7-9 months of treatment impact retirement plans? I considered not spending the money. That was a heated issue, I saw our retirement go down the drain, it wasn’t a good feeling.

The timeframe to wellness is 2-3 years. Based on mathematics, the cost will double or more. The financial side of Lyme is worth talking about. The cost of getting well hits the bank account hard. We pay $5,000-$6,000 a month which doesn’t include prescriptions………..

We fly to DC every four weeks to see doctor. The trips are often for an increase in IV antibiotics. If you have a bad reaction, it’s better to have a doctor in the next room.

Our insurance did not approve Lyme treatment which leaves us footing the bill. Insurance doesn’t pay for supplements but does cover all prescriptions including Heparin. My doctor currently is using antibiotics to address co-infections caused by Lyme. Another important key to health, is reducing inflammation in the body. There’s a war raging inside.

Every Sunday my husband changes the bandage protecting the catheter. It takes an hour to change.

He had to change his work schedule to administer IV Therapy. He gives my IV treatments, keep supplies inventoried, cooking, laundry, grocery shopping . Most everything is difficult to eat on bad ulcer days. After being on antibiotics for months, it takes a toll on your existing system. My esophagus doesn’t close and creates an ulcer. Those are the days I eat mashed potatoes.

I have antibiotic treatments, three days a week in AM and PM. The other days is Lactose treatment once a day.

Here’s an example of the friction when we don’t agree on my health.

My husband of 14 years said “you need to work out to improve strength.” The comment gave me whiplash! My antenna went up, we don’t fight or scream, just raise our voices and go to separate offices. I’m years away from good health, you want me to exercise? I laughed so hard, then foul language rolled off my tongue. The next words, are you crazy!!!!!!!

I have severe balance problems, walking forward and falling, walking straight then from side to side, if close to ground, I’m going down. I’ve had several bad falls lately. My husband turned in time to witness me slam into furniture last week. He thinks I need to use a cane in-house, I imagine being impaled while falling downstairs.

The cost is high but so is dying.

Xx  M

Advocacy · Ted Talks

ما ديني تقول حقا حول المرأة * آخر باللغة العربية *

Hello friend,

I use Google Translator, please excuse if translation not correct. I’m an American, do not speak Arabic and wanted to reach out by doing my first post in Arabic. I would love to hear your comments.

May Allah bring you and your family blessings.

Melinda

آلاء مرابط
مكانةُ المرأة الحقيقية في ديني

في طريقي إلى هنا، أجريت محادثة شيقة مع الراكب الذي بجانبي خلال رحلتي قال لي :”يبدو أن الولايات المتحدة تُعاني من البطالة لأنهم يختلقون بعض الوظائف فقط: كعالم نفس القطط و مدرب للكلاب و متعقب الأعاصير”

بعد بضعة ثوان سألني: إذن ما عملك ؟

وقلت له :”داعية للسلام ” (ضحك)

كل يوم أعمل لدعم صوت النساء، ولتسليط الضوء على تجاربهن ومشاركاتهن في عمليات السلام و حل النزاعات. وبسب عملي أدركت أن الطريقة الوحيدة لضمان المشاركة الكلية للنساء عالميًا هي عن طريق استعادة الدين.

والآن، هذا الموضوع في غاية الأهمية لدي كامرأة مسلمة شابة ، أنا فخورة جدًا بديني. فهو يعطيني القوة والقناعة لإتمام عملي كل يوم. وهو السبب في وقوفي أمامكم. لكن لا يمكنني ان أتغاضى عن الضرر الذي حصل باسم الدين، ليس ديني فقط، ولكن كل الديانات في العالم. التحريف وسوء الاستخدام والتلاعب بالنصوص المقدسة كل هذا أثر على معاييرنا الاجتماعية والثقافية، و قوانينا وحياتنا اليومية، إلى حد لا ندركه في بعض الأحيان.

انتقل والديّ من ليبيا في شمال افريقيا لكندا في أوائل سنة 1980. وأنا الطفلة الوسطى من بين 11 طفلًا. نعم،11. و خلال نشأتي رأيت والديّا متدينين و روحانين؛ يصلون لله و يحمدونه على نعمه. أعني رأيت هذا بطبيعة الحال ، ولكن مع آخرين (ضحك) كانا لطيفين ومضحكين وصبورين، صبورين بلا حدود، وجود11 طفلا يفرض عليك هذا الصبر. و كانا عادلين. لم أخضع قط للدين من خلال منظار ثقافي. تمت معاملتي بالمثل، وكان متوقع مني نفس الشيء. لم أفكر مطلقًا أن الله يحاسب على أساس النوع. و كانت معرفة والديّ عن الله بأنه صديق رحيم و نافع ومعطاء، قدشكلت طريقي في النظر للعالم.

و بالطبع لنشأتي منفعة إضافية. أن تكون من بين 11 طفلا هو مدخل إلى الدبلوماسية 101.(ضحك) ليومنا هذا يتم سؤالي :في أي مدرسة درستِ؟ مثل: “هل درستِ في كلية كينيدي بهارفرد؟” وأنظر إليهم وأجيبهم قائلة ” لا “، درست في مدرسة المرابط للشؤون الدولية” هي حصرية للغاية، عليك التكلم مع أمي للالتحاق بها. من حسن حظكم أنها هنا. أن تكون من بين 11 طفلًا ولديك 10 أشقاء يعلمك الكثير عن هياكل القوة والتحالفات. و التركيز، عليك التكلم بسرعة أو الاختصار، لأنه سوف تتم مقاطعتك دائما. يعلمك أهمية المراسلة. عليك طرح أسئلة بطريقة صحيحة لتحصل على الإجابات المقنعة، و عليك أن تقول لا بالشكل الصحيح ليبقى السلام.
ولكن أهم درس تعلمته خلال نشأتي هو أهمية أن تكون مشاركا . عندما يكسر مصباح أمي المفضل، علي أن أكون هناك عندما تحاول اكتشاف كيف و من فعل هذا لأدافع عن نفسي، لأنك إذا لم تقم بذلك، فستُوجّه إليك أصابع الاتهام، وقبل معرفتك بذلك، ستُعاقب. بطبيعة الحال أنا لا أتكلم عن خبرة.

عندما كنت 15 سنة في 2005 أنهيت الثانوية وانتقلت من كندا — ساسكاتون — للزاوية ، ،مسقط رأس أبي وأمي في ليبيا، مدينة تقليدية جدا. تذكروا، لم أذهب قطّ إلى ليبيا في عطلة، وكطفلة في السابعة من عمرها، كان ذلك كالسحر. كانت مثلجات ورحلات للشاطئ وأقارب ممتعين.

بالنظر إلى ذلك، اتضح انه ليس نفس الشعور لفتاة في الخامسة عشرة. وسرعان ما تم تقديمي للجانب الثقافي الديني كلمة “حرام”– تعني ممنوعٌ دينيًا و”عيب” غير لائق ثقافيًا– يتم استعمال المفردتين دون إيلاء أهمية للفرق بينهم، كما لو أن لهن نفس المعنى ونفس النتائج. ووجدت نفسي في نقاشات متتابعة مع زملائي في الدراسة و الزملاء والأساتذة والأصدقاء، وحتى الأقارب، قد بدأوا التساءل حول دوري وطموحاتي. وبالرغم من الأسس التي زودني بها والديّ فإني وجدت نفسي أتساءل عن دور المرأة في ديني

لذلك في مدرسة المرابط للشؤون الدوليّة، تعمقنا كثيرا في النقاش، والقاعدة رقم 1 كانت أن أبحث، و هذا ما فعلته، وتفاجأت كم كان يسيرًا أن أعثر على نساء قائدات في ديني، ممن كن مبتكرات وقويات — سياسيًا و اقتصاديًا و عسكريًا حتى. خديجة رضي الله عنها هي من موّلت الحركة الإسلامية في مرحلتها الأولى. لم نكن لنكون هنا هذا اليوم لو لم يكن ذلك لأجلها. إذن لماذا لم نكن نتعلم عنها؟ لماذا لا نتعلم عن هؤلاء النساء ؟ لماذا يتم إبعاد المرأة للمواقع التي سبقت تعاليم ديننا ؟ ولماذا ؟ -إن كنا متساوين عند الله- لسنا متساوين في أعين الرجال ؟

بالنسبة لي، يعود كل ذلك للدروس التي تعلمتها في صغري. صانع القرار، الشخص الذي يسيطر على الرسالة جالس على الطاولة، ولسوء الحظ في كل ديانة عالمية ليس هناك نساء. المؤسسات الدينية مسيطر عليها من قبل الرجال يقودها الرجال و قد أنشأوا سياسات حسب رغباتهم، وإلى أن نستطيع تغيير النظام بأكمله فنحن في الحقيقة لا نتوقّع مشاركة كليّة للمرأة اقتصاديًا وسياسيًا. أساسنا معطل. قالت أمي لا تستطيع بناء منزل سليم على أساس أعوج.

في 2011، اندلعت الثورة الليبية، وكانت عائلتي على خطوط المواجهة. وهناك الشيء المدهش الذي يحدث في الحرب، و هو تقريبا تحوّل ثقافي، مُؤقّت جدا. وكانت المرة الأولى التي شعرت فيها ليس فقط بقبولي للمشاركة ولكن شعرت بتشجيعي. لقد كان مطلوبًا. أنا ونساء أخريات كان لنا مقاعد على الطاولة لم نكن في الخلف أو مشجعات فقط. كنا جزءا من صانعي القرار. كنا نتبادل المعلومات، كنا في غاية الأهمية. وأردت واحتجت لذلك التغيير أن يكون دائما.

اتضح لي، أن الأمر ليس بتلك السهولة. استمر فقط بضعة أسابيع قبل أن تعود النساء اللواتي عملت معهنّ إلي أدوارهنّ السابقة. و معظمهن تم طردهن بتشجيع من قادة دينيين وسياسيين. و معظمهم استشهد بآيات قرآنية كدفاع عن أنفسهم وهي طريقة اكتسابهم للدعم الشعبي لآرائهم.

لذا ركزت في البداية على تعزيز مكانة المرأة اقتصاديا وسياسيا. اعتقدت أن ذلك سيُحدث تغييرا ثقافيا واجتماعيا. اتضح أنه كان تغييرا طفيفا جدا وليس بصفة كُليّة. قررت استخدام دفاعاتهم على أنها طريقة هجومي، وبدأت بالاستشهاد بأيات قرآنية كذلك.
في 2012 و2013، قادت منظمتي واحدة من أكبر وأكثر الحملات انتشارا في ليبيا. دخلنا البيوت والمدارس والجامعات وحتى المساجد . تحدثنا مع 50,000 شخص مباشرة ومئات الآلاف من خلال اللوحات والإعلانات التلفزيونية و الإذاعية والملصقات.

وعلى الأرجح أنكم تتساءلون كيف يمكن لمنظمة حقوق المرأة القيام بذلك في مجتعات عارضت في السابق مجرد وجودنا. استخدمت نصوصا مقدسة. آيات قرآنية وأحاديث نبوية. الأحاديث ،أقواله على سبيل المثال، “خيركم خيركم لأهله ” ” انصر أخاك ظالمًا أو مظلوما ” و لأول مرة دعا خطباء الجُمع في المجتمع المحلي لتعزيز حقوق المرأة. ناقشوا القضايا المحرمة، مثل العنف المنزلي تغيرت السياسات . في مجتمعات معينة كان علينا أن نذهب لأقصى حد مثل الإعلان الدولي العالمي لحقوق الانسان، يمكن معارضته لأنه لم يكتب بواسطة علماء الدين. حسنا،هذه نفس المبادئ في كتابنا. لذلك قامت الأمم المتحدة باستنساخنا فقط.

وعن طريق تغيير الرسالة كنا قادرين على توليد رواية بديلة دعمت حقوق النساء في ليبيا. إنه شيء تم استنساخه الآن دوليا، و أؤكد بأنه ليس سهلًا — صدقوني إنه ليس كذلك. سيقول الليبراليون بأنك تستخدم الدين وسيصمونك بالمحافظ الرجعي بينما سيصفك المحافظون بأشياء كثيرة ومختلفة. لقد سمعت كل شيء: مثل “يجب على والديك أن يشعرا بالعار”– مخطؤون فهما من أكبر المعجبين — ” لن تصمدي لعيد ميلادك الثاني” — مرة أخرى مخطؤون. لأنني صمدت. وبقيت مؤمنة قوية بأن حقوق المرأة والدين لا يتعارضان. ولكن علينا أن نكون على الطاولة. علينا أن نتوقّف عن التخلي عن مناصبنا لأننا عندما نصمت، فإننا نسمح باستمرار الاضطهاد و الاعتداء على النساء في العالم. و بالقول بأننا سنقاتل لأجل حقوق المرأة ونحارب المتطرفين بالقنابل والحرب، فإننا نشلّ المجتمعات المحلية التي تحتاج لمعالجة هذه القضايا لتدوم.

ليس سهلا تحدّي الديانات المحرّفة. سيكون لك حصة كافية من السخرية والإهانة والتهديد. ولكن علينا القيام بذلك. ليس لدينا حلّ آخر سوى استعادة رسالة حقوق الانسان و مبادئ ديننا. ليس لنا، ليس للنساء في عائلتك، ليس لأجل النساء اللاتي في هذه القاعة، و لا لأجل النساء اللاتي خارجها، ولكن للمجتمعات التي سوف تتغير بمشاركة النساء. والطريقة الوحيدة لفعل ذلك و خيارنا الوحيد أن نكون ونبقى مشاركين.

شكرا لكم.

(تصفيق)

 

Caregiver · Celebrate Life · Elderly · Family

From Caregiver to Grieving in Four Days

 

old-truck-in-barn_MJoYNw_d
Reblogged from 3/24/10

As the population ages many will take on the role of caregiver. One of the most challenging for me was the transition from granddaughter to caregiver. Gramps was stubborn as an Ox and felt he didn’t need any help.

****************

My grandfather died in 2010 at 92 years old. I spent more time with him in 2010 than at home. I cherish the time we had, regardless how painful. His health declined so fast that for two days I did not realize that he was dying now, not in a couple of weeks. He was at home under hospice care and would not get in the hospital bed until two days before he passed. He fell out of bed that morning, which forced him to move in order to eat. He was so weak when he fell, it was difficult for me to get him back in bed. I was hurt more than him. He would have not have moved to the hospital bed if he had not fallen. For him the bed meant death and he was still fighting.

My grandfather had End Stage Kidney Disease. An earlier ER trip to for his AFIB is when we learned heard he about two months to live. What they fail to tell is the older patients die faster. We knew his kidneys were losing function but I was not ready for a timeline. His doctor had not given me the impression on last visit, I asked her to review the hospitalal records. I was saddened she agreed with the prognosis. It took a couple of weeks for my grandfather to believe the doctors were right. Kidney failure without dialysis, is a silent killer and luckily not a painful one. You start sleeping more until you sleep yourself into a coma.

I arrived on Sunday afternoon after two days of relief and he looked fine. Monday I knew he was out of it by the things he was saying. I called backup. Tuesday he was sick after falling out of bed. Dead weight, it took everything I had to get him back in bed. My grandfather died on Thursday. I’m so thankful that we had time together to say what we wanted, cry for the loss and enjoy the memories. I have no regrets.

Cleaning out the house was so hard, 46 years of memories everywhere. My grandmother left notes on everything, it was like mourning her death as I found each note. Notes on back of photos, on little pieces of paper and even masking tape. I knew all the notes were there, we had looked at them many times. Everything’s being packed and house cleared. My grandparents were like parents, they were the best you could ever pray for. The house is empty but I see my life in every room. The great memories with my grandparents are everywhere you look. 

Side notes: My grandparents lived in the hood , major drug trafficking. They had little of value just antiques passed down. I would not leave the house empty at night so I stayed for two weeks until we could pack up. Everyone thought I was crazy, I thought I’m Rambo. I had my Colt 38 Revolver, would never stand up to drug lords today. I cousins husband Sgt. for department casually mentioned the houses around me where under drug/gang watch.

One night after midnight I heard this huge sound and had to check out. The streets were shut down in every direction, every yard, Black ATF truck and guy is tactical gear, paddy wagon. I had to laugh, with the whisper under his breath, I knew it was going down. I watched through the window to see what all they do is a big bust, at least 20-25 people in-house. They were zipped tied together. The entire yard was searched with high beams and guy with flashlight. 

I was having a blast, called to my husband, he didn’t find it funny. 

XO  Melinda

Advocacy · Caregiver · Men & Womens Health

I’m Mourning and She is Still Alive

vintage-butterfly_zyEH0ddO

Originally posted February 27, 2006

My grandmother passed away in 2005 from Dementia brought on by two strokes. I’m reposting for caregivers with a loved one with Alzheimer’s or Dementia. For those who have not been a caregiver, the post may help you down the road. Caregivers commit every ounce of energy to keep their loved one comfortable, take care of yourself. Your body can physically break down. Due to her lack of memory it’s hard to take an eye off her, 24/7. I was fortunate we had hospice care, allowing Gramps to play domino’s everyday until the last months.  He was strong in accepting his life changed dramatically. He never complained. 

A month ago my grandmother fell and broke her hip, a bad situation for any 85-year-old. Made worse with the memory loss. The hospital had the worst staff.. She’s home after a week in the hospital and another in a nursing home. That was hard on me, thinking about leaving her there and the response when Gramps wasn’t at her side. I took the grave shift and slept on floor next to her. 

My mind runs to at high level by switching to what I call “caregiver mode”. I can manage tons of information, what drugs each takes, scheduling appointments, discuss test results or anything needed to take care of two people who are dying and “switch back” when at home.

Before the fall, my grandmother knew me and though our conversations were limited, I enjoyed sharing  memories with her. She really enjoyed a photo book I put together that had many photos of her beloved dog, Blackie. Thinking about Blackie always made her smile and even though he died twenty years ago she remembered like it was today.

Driving to their house one day, tears started rolling down my face. I could not stop crying. It took a few minutes to figure out what was causing so much pain. I switched from caregiver to granddaughter.  My grandmother no longer knew me. We would not share our memories again. I knew the day would come and  prayed our memories calmed her in some way. Seeing her memory fade by the days was harder than I imagined. I’m blessed being a caregiver to both grandparents  

I”m miss my granny and think of her several times a day.

XO Melinda

Advocacy · Caregiver · Men & Womens Health

I'm Mourning and She is Still Alive

vintage-butterfly_zyEH0ddO

Originally posted February 27, 2006

My grandmother passed away in 2005 from Dementia brought on by two strokes. I’m reposting for caregivers with a loved one with Alzheimer’s or Dementia. For those who have not been a caregiver, the post may help you down the road. Caregivers commit every ounce of energy to keep their loved one comfortable, take care of yourself. Your body can physically break down. Due to her lack of memory it’s hard to take an eye off her, 24/7. I was fortunate we had hospice care, allowing Gramps to play domino’s everyday until the last months.  He was strong in accepting his life changed dramatically. He never complained. 

A month ago my grandmother fell and broke her hip, a bad situation for any 85-year-old. Made worse with the memory loss. The hospital had the worst staff.. She’s home after a week in the hospital and another in a nursing home. That was hard on me, thinking about leaving her there and the response when Gramps wasn’t at her side. I took the grave shift and slept on floor next to her. 

My mind runs to at high level by switching to what I call “caregiver mode”. I can manage tons of information, what drugs each takes, scheduling appointments, discuss test results or anything needed to take care of two people who are dying and “switch back” when at home.

Before the fall, my grandmother knew me and though our conversations were limited, I enjoyed sharing  memories with her. She really enjoyed a photo book I put together that had many photos of her beloved dog, Blackie. Thinking about Blackie always made her smile and even though he died twenty years ago she remembered like it was today.

Driving to their house one day, tears started rolling down my face. I could not stop crying. It took a few minutes to figure out what was causing so much pain. I switched from caregiver to granddaughter.  My grandmother no longer knew me. We would not share our memories again. I knew the day would come and  prayed our memories calmed her in some way. Seeing her memory fade by the days was harder than I imagined. I’m blessed being a caregiver to both grandparents  

I”m miss my granny and think of her several times a day.

XO Melinda

Aging · Caregiver · Celebrate Life · Chronic Illness · Family · Health and Wellbeing · Healthy Living · Medical · Men & Womens Health

Caregiver Tips I Missed *What I Know Now*

I wrote the post on 12/23/2009, and Gramps died a year later. Many people are finding themselves in a caregiver role. I’ll post several of my experiences as a caregiver.  Breath. 

As mentioned in an earlier post I care for my 92-year-old grandfather, I’ve been here for five weeks. Here are a few lessons I missed in the Caregiver 101 manual.

Ask the doctor what happens if the procedure does not work.

If a second procedure fails does not work, is there a third option.

What is the recovery time and what type of home health services are needed?

Is the surgery needed for a 92-year-old who is already dying?

Gramps went in for non-invasive surgery, but nothing prepared me for the outcome. I’ve been through many surgeries with my grandfather. The procedure had not been performed before however it was non-invasive. It actually sounded like the least complicated procedure to date. I forgot nothing is normal or non-invasive at 92 years old. We went from going home that afternoon, to having three surgeries over the next seven days. I made the mistake of thinking the procedure would go as they had in the past. Age makes all the difference, just five years at this stage in life can change everything.

I’m blessed to spend this time with my grandfather. We still have a long road ahead. It is very emotional and tests my patience. I’ve become the parent and he doesn’t like me telling him anything especially when to take his medicine. He has raised his voice more in the past month than in my lifetime. It’s hard to take it in stride. The stress has triggered my depression so I struggle to keep myself in check and take care of my grandfather.

XO M

Caregiver

Love Is A Verb, It Ain’t A Thing **Gramps Thank You For Showing Your Love**

Gramps would skip my nick name “Pud” and go straight to first name asking why I wrote this. Because I love you and want to thank you for being the father I never had. You taught me thru love when I needed it most. Your rules strict and set in cement. You taught me responsibility by setting an example. The nuggets we learn and realize when we’re older. I work to live by your example except for telling dirty jokes and I cuss way more.

I went to work at 15 years old and drove his car. He had me pay $50 for yearly insurance and $8.00 a week for gas, gas cost 0.89 at the time. My first car was a puck green Dodge Duster, the car was ugly but the tunes blared out. I was jamming. The rules were clear-cut, I could only drive my car to school, work, journalism, girls basketball and granny to mall. Granny told me years later he checked to make sure I was working on school paper, I was, he never checked again. When I started dating at 17 years old my curfew was 12:00, not 12:05. No phone calls after 9:00 PM, no leaving the house after 9:00PM, “you could get into no good if leaving after 9:00PM”. If not working I was home by 4:30PM for supper. Both of my grandparents showed me their love. He only raised his voice one time. His temper a slow burn, when it blew there was no convincing him, he might be wrong. He and granny were both stubborn and I didn’t fall far from the tree.

Being raised by the generation who faced the great depression, dust bowl and WWII was a blessing. I heard how poor most people were, you took any job you could get because there went many. How the war effected businesses, many jobs were frozen which meant you could not leave for another job. All efforts at home focused on supporting the war, granny became a riveter, some women worked in large sewing areas and most struggled to keep their head above water. It seems hard to think about today, my grandmother cut tin cans to use for curlers, she had two dresses, every night she had to wash one.

I didn’t have designers clothes, phone in my room, Atari, pool or new car. I never expected nor did I care what others wore or drove. I thought everyone lived this way. Was I naïve.

I miss my grandparents everyday and blessed by the lessons taught. Most important was their love, showing me their love.

“Love is a verb, it ain’t a thing” John Mayer

XO Warrior

Caregiver

Love Is A Verb, It Ain't A Thing **Gramps Thank You For Showing Your Love**

Gramps would skip my nick name “Pud” and go straight to first name asking why I wrote this. Because I love you and want to thank you for being the father I never had. You taught me thru love when I needed it most. Your rules strict and set in cement. You taught me responsibility by setting an example. The nuggets we learn and realize when we’re older. I work to live by your example except for telling dirty jokes and I cuss way more.

I went to work at 15 years old and drove his car. He had me pay $50 for yearly insurance and $8.00 a week for gas, gas cost 0.89 at the time. My first car was a puck green Dodge Duster, the car was ugly but the tunes blared out. I was jamming. The rules were clear-cut, I could only drive my car to school, work, journalism, girls basketball and granny to mall. Granny told me years later he checked to make sure I was working on school paper, I was, he never checked again. When I started dating at 17 years old my curfew was 12:00, not 12:05. No phone calls after 9:00 PM, no leaving the house after 9:00PM, “you could get into no good if leaving after 9:00PM”. If not working I was home by 4:30PM for supper. Both of my grandparents showed me their love. He only raised his voice one time. His temper a slow burn, when it blew there was no convincing him, he might be wrong. He and granny were both stubborn and I didn’t fall far from the tree.

Being raised by the generation who faced the great depression, dust bowl and WWII was a blessing. I heard how poor most people were, you took any job you could get because there went many. How the war effected businesses, many jobs were frozen which meant you could not leave for another job. All efforts at home focused on supporting the war, granny became a riveter, some women worked in large sewing areas and most struggled to keep their head above water. It seems hard to think about today, my grandmother cut tin cans to use for curlers, she had two dresses, every night she had to wash one.

I didn’t have designers clothes, phone in my room, Atari, pool or new car. I never expected nor did I care what others wore or drove. I thought everyone lived this way. Was I naïve.

I miss my grandparents everyday and blessed by the lessons taught. Most important was their love, showing me their love.

“Love is a verb, it ain’t a thing” John Mayer

XO Warrior

Caregiver · Elderly

Caregiver to Grieving in Four Days

Each day was a roller coaster of how he felt and how exhausted I was. I learned so much being a caregiver to my grandmother and grandfather. As the population ages, many of you will take on the responsibility. One of the most difficult changes was going from granddaughter to caregiver. Even at 92 my grandfather had a strong mind and felt he didn’t need help. I pray for strength every day.

My grandfather died in 2010 at the young age of 92 years old. I spent more time with him in 2010 year than I spent at home. I cherish the time we had together, no matter how painful. They are my memories and my life changed forever with his death. His health declined so fast that for two days I did not realize that he was dying now, not in a couple of weeks. He was at home under hospice care and would not get in the hospital bed until two days before he passed. He fell out of bed that morning, he was so weak it was difficult for me to get him back in bed. I don’t think we would have been able to talk him into moving to the hospital bed if he had not fallen. For him the bed meant death and he was still fighting. My grandfather had End Stage Kidney Disease. An emergency trip to the hospital for his AFIB is how we learned he had about two months to live. We knew his kidneys were losing function but I was not ready for a timeline. His doctor had not given me that impression on a recent visit so I asked her to review the hospital records. I was not surprised but very saddened that she agreed with the prognosis. It took a couple weeks for my grandfather to believe the doctors were right. Kidney failure is a silent killer and luckily not a painful one. You start sleeping more until you sleep yourself into a coma.

I arrived on Sunday afternoon after two days of relief and he didn’t look any different. Monday morning I knew he was out of it by the things he was saying but thought it was a bad day. Tuesday I knew he was weak when he fell out of bed and felt like dead weight. It took everything in me to get him back in bed. My grandfather died on Thursday. What the doctors did not tell me is people his age die faster, the end came weeks sooner than we thought. I’m so thankful that my grandfather and I had time together to say what we wanted to say, cry about the loss and enjoy the memories. I have no regrets.

Cleaning out the house was so hard, 46 years of memories were everywhere. My grandmother left notes on everything, it was like mourning her death as I found each note. Notes on the back of photos, on little pieces of paper, and even on masking tape. I knew all the notes were there, we had looked at them many times but it was different this time. Everything was packed up this time and the house cleared out. My grandparents raised me so I’ve lost parents, they were the best you could ever pray for.  The house is empty but I see my life in every room, the great memories with my grandparents are everywhere you look. I am starting a new chapter in my life. It’s a long journey ahead.

Xx   M

Anxiety · Caregiver · Celebrate Life · Chronic Illness · Elderly · Family · Men & Womens Health

Caregiver 101 Tips I Missed

Reblogged from 2009

I care for my 92-year-old Gramps and have been here for five weeks. He had three surgeries in seven days. Without Caregiving 101 training, I learned the hard way.

*Ask the doctor what happens if the procedure does not work.

*If a second procedure does not work, is there a third option.

*What is the recovery time and type of home health services needed.

*Is the surgery necessary for a 92-year-old who is already dying!

I would not have let the doctor do any surgeries on Gramps had I not been so tired and spent more time thinking about what could go wrong.

Gramps went in for non-invasive surgery, but nothing prepared me for the outcome. I’ve been through several surgeries with Gramps. This procedure had not been performed before however it sounded like the least complicated procedure to date. I forgot nothing is normal or non-invasive at 92 years old. We went from going home that afternoon, to having three surgeries over seven days. I made the mistake of thinking the procedure would go as in the past. Age makes all the difference, five years at this stage of Kidney Failure can change everything.

I’m blessed to spend this time with Gramps, we still have a long road ahead. It is emotional and life-changing. I’ve become the parent and he doesn’t like me telling him when to take his medicine. He has raised his voice more in the past month than in my lifetime. It’s hard to take it in stride, I just bite my tongue. Stress has triggered my depression, I struggle to keep myself in check and take care of my Gramps.

 

Xx  M   aka Warrior

Caregiver

Lost in Caregiver Twilight Zone

Written on 12/21/2009

I’m caring for my 92-year-old grandfather following three surgeries in seven days. I’m so tired it’s numbing, it’s impossible to think about doing it again tomorrow.  My grandfather is a man of habits driven by the time of day, maybe from his military background. One morning he was upset when the hospital had not brought his coffee and could not see he was the problem. We’re in a hospital not the Hilton. At home it was far worse. It does not matter that I have changed the sheets again this morning, changed his soiled underpants more than once and got him dressed for the day. If the coffee is not ready when he expects or I don’t have the newspaper yet, I hear about it. My grandparents raised me and I love my grandfather dearly but it’s hard to bite my tongue. I want to ask doesn’t he realize or care that I’ve been moving since 5:00 a.m. to take care of him.

At 92 he lives at home alone, still drives (very limited), buys groceries and goes to the local Senior Center several times a week to play dominos. He amazes me with each year. He is the healthiest dying person I know and in his mind he is much younger and more capable. This makes it impossible for him to understand recovery will take several more weeks at least. I catch him doing things he shouldn’t and I get the standard “I can do it”.  He also acts like a child when he doesn’t want to do something, most of the time it’s taking his medicine or getting up to move around.

I push him gently but firmly to get up and move around. Laying in bed or sleeping in the chair all day will not improve his strength. Like all of us, he does not like being told what to do. You learn what you’re made of in stressful times. Our mind and bodies can withstand so much to help someone we love. All I know is tomorrow is a new day.

I grew up in this house and it feels strange to stay in my old bedroom at 46. The house built in 1950, is in the hood, has no dishwasher, Internet or privacy. I am going crazy without my Internet escape. I’m in the twilight zone, washing dishes by hand three times a day and the room is the same since leaving home in 1981. Tomorrow is a new day.

Caregiver · Elderly · Family

Dementia Induced Thought’s of Suicide

Being a caregiver to a dying loved one can leave you drained of emotion, exhausted, and frustrated. All perfectly normal feelings. I felt a quilt mixed in my bowl of emotions. I grew up knowing my grandparents wanted to die at home. I would grant the wish if possible. They inspired me, saved me from parental abuse, and blessed me with unconditional love.

Helping my gramps when making difficult life decisions, while working hard to remember she’s my grandmother. There were uncomfortable conversations, articulate to doctors how she is progressing and butt heads with family members. I ran a tight ship and had no problems telling people it was time to leave, not allowing people over every day. God blessed me with the ability to turn my depression down and step up to the next level. Love for my grandmother drove my decisions down to the last morphine stick.

As our population ages the number of caregivers increases. It can seem overwhelming at times. If you don’t have a blog I would suggest checking out, it gave me an outlet. Caregivers choose to open their hearts to emotional and physical challenges. 

Dementia-Induced Thoughts Of Suicide

Today I used one of four “in case of emergency” pills to keep my Grandmother from hurting herself during a dementia-related meltdown brought on by my Gramps going to the grocery store. She’s had many of these episodes since her stroke almost two years ago. Today I saw the beginning of the end in her face. As I look at the three pills in the bottle, I try to accept that we will need to “ease” the trauma more times before her memory is gone.

Her stroke caused dementia, and at 84 she continues to slide downhill. The meds do a good job of controlling the anger and aggression but on days like today, nothing short of a miracle works. Yet we have never reached for “the emergency” stash and this sinks in as I watch her doze off from the effects.

Today she did not recognize her own home and thought my gramps abandoned her in somebody else’s house while going to the grocery store. She became enraged and very self-destructive by hitting herself in the head while saying that she would rather be dead than left “here” by herself. I tried to calm her as I always do but today nothing worked. I tried to get her to focus on what I was saying but it was too late, she was lost in her painful reality. It was a very hard choice but a drug-induced calm over self-inflicted harm is the right thing to do.

While waiting for the drug to work I showed her photos of her and my grandfather from 24 years ago, a photo of my father on a pony when he was a child, and many others I took off the walls to see if she could connect to anything. She recognized my dad but several other family members were a blur. It was so painful to watch her lose touch, it ripped my heart out.

The Psychiatrist gave us four Xanax pills which were for emergency if she got violent.

Granny had another stroke and is in the hospital again. Late in the night she was sound asleep so  Gramps went home to try to nap and she got upset that he was not there. It took six of us to hold down an 82-year-old who barely weighed 100 lbs. Her aggression reached a point where she needed restraining. Her arms tied to the bed yet she managed to fight. I used all of my weight to hold her down to the bed, yelling at the nurse where the hell was a shot to knock her out. The nurse did not articulate to the doctor the urgency of the situation so he did not approve a sedative. I told her if she could not articulate the need, pass the phone to me. I would get the message across.  The doctor ordered a sedative.

Watching her lose touch with reality is like seeing your child get hit by a car in slow motion and not being able to get a word out. I’m thankful for the time we spent together no matter how painful. I focus on the good moments and do not hold on to difficult days like this.

M