Caregiver to Grieving in Four Days

March 25, 2024 Looking for the Light3 Comments

Originally posted in 2010

Each day was a roller coaster of how he felt and how exhausted I was. I learned so much being a caregiver to my grandmother and grandfather. As the population ages, many of you will take on the responsibility. One of the most difficult changes was going from granddaughter to caregiver. Even at 92 my grandfather had a strong mind and felt he didn’t need help. I prayed for strength every day.

I did not realize that he was dying now, not in a couple of weeks. He was at home under hospice care and would not get in the hospital bed until two days before he passed. He fell out of bed that morning, he was so weak it was difficult for me to get him back in bed. I don’t think we would have been able to talk him into moving to the hospital bed if he had not fallen. For him the bed meant death and he was still fighting.

My grandfather had End Stage Kidney Disease. An emergency trip to the hospital for his AFIB is how we learned he had about two months to live. We knew his kidneys were losing function but I was not ready for a timeline. His doctor had not given me that impression on a recent visit so I asked her to review the hospital records. I was not surprised but very saddened that she agreed with the prognosis. It took a couple weeks for my grandfather to believe the doctors were right. Kidney failure is a silent killer and luckily for some, it is not a painful one. You start sleeping more until you sleep yourself into a coma.

I arrived on Sunday afternoon after two days of relief of duty and he didn’t look any different. Monday morning I knew he was out of it by the things he was saying but thought it was a bad day. Tuesday I knew he was weak when he fell out of bed and felt like dead weight. It took everything in me to get him back in bed.

My grandfather died on Thursday. What the doctors did not tell me is the older the patients die faster. The end came weeks sooner than we thought. I’m so thankful that my grandfather and I had time together to say what we wanted to say, cry about the loss, and enjoy the memories. I have no regrets.

Cleaning out the house was so hard, years of memories were everywhere. My grandmother left notes on everything, it was like mourning her death as I found each note. Notes on the back of photos, on little pieces of paper, and even on masking tape. I knew all the notes were there, we had looked at them many times but it was different this time. Everything was packed up this time and the house cleared out. My grandparents raised me so I’ve lost my parents, they were the best you could ever pray for. The house is empty but I see my life in every room, the great memories with my grandparents are everywhere you look. I am starting a new chapter in my life. It’s a long journey ahead.

Xx M

Caregiver · Celebrate Life · Elderly · Family · Health and Wellbeing · Moving Forward

I’m Mourning and She’s Still Alive

March 22, 2024March 22, 2024 Looking for the Light15 Comments

Originally posted in 2005

My grandmother passed away from Dementia from two strokes in 2005. I’m reposting for the caregivers dealing with a loved one with Alzheimer’s or Dementia. For those who have not been a caregiver, these posts may help you down the road. For the caregivers who give every ounce of energy, just one piece of advice if I may. Take time to clear your head, 10 or 30 minutes whatever you can for yourself each week. I did not have anyone to offer suggestions and had a brain drain after both of their deaths. My body was physically broken down. Due to the nature of the illness, it’s hard to take an eye off them, 24/7. I was fortunate we had hospice care for both of my grandparents. My grandfather was healthy enough to help my grandmother.

I’m Morning and She’s Still Alive

As the caregiver for my grandparents, my hands are full yet my mind runs at a high level by switching to what I call “caregiver mode”. I can manage tons of information about what drugs they take, schedule appointments, discuss test results, or anything else needed to take care of two people who are dying and “switch back” when at home.

Before her fall and a broken hip, my grandmother knew me. Our conversations were limited but sharing memories with her made my day. She really enjoyed a photo book I put together with many photos of her beloved dog, Blackie. Thinking about Blackie always made her smile, even though he died twenty years ago she remembers him like it was today.

On the way to their house, last week tears started rolling down my face, I could not stop crying. It took a few minutes to figure out what was causing so much pain. My mind had switched to caregiver mode from granddaughter and realized my grandmother no longer knew me. We would not share our memories again. I knew the day would come and say prayers for the memories we shared. The realization was much harder to accept. I am in mourning and miss my grandmother so much.

Xx M aka Warrior

Aging · Anxiety · Caregiver · Chronic Illness · Dementia · Elderly · Family · Health and Wellbeing · Healthy Living · Medical

My First Post In 2005 – Dementia Induced Thought’s Of Suicide

March 18, 2024 Looking for the Light12 Comments

I looked back at my very first post written as a blogger, the site was different, it was called Defining Memories but I have since published on Look for the Light. I started Defining Memories in 2005 to help me mourn my Granny. It was a very dark time and writing was the perfect outlet.

I hope reading this post is as cathartic for you as it has been for me. The subject matter has changed since 2005 but the feeling and release it gives me is the same.

Thank you so much for reading and following me on my journey.

Being a caregiver to a dying loved one can leave you drained of emotion, exhausted, and frustrated. All perfectly normal feelings. I felt a quilt mixed in my bowl of emotions. I grew up knowing my grandparents wanted to die at home. I would grant the wish if possible. They inspired me, saved me from abuse, and blessed me with unconditional love.

Helping my gramps when making difficult life decisions, while working hard to remember she is my Granny. There were uncomfortable conversations, articulate to doctors how she is progressing and butt heads with family members. I ran a tight ship and had no problem telling people it was time to leave, and not allowing people over every day. God blessed me with the ability to turn my depression down and step up to the next level. Love for my Granny drove my decision to give her an extra morphine stick. She died in my hands while I kissed her goodbye.

As our population ages, the number of caregivers increases. It can seem overwhelming at times. If you don’t have a blog I would suggest checking out, it gave me an outlet. Caregivers choose to open their hearts to emotional and physical challenges.

Dementia-Induced Thoughts Of Suicide

Today I used one of four “in case of emergency” pills to keep my Granny from hurting herself during a dementia-related meltdown brought on by my Gramps going to the grocery store. She’s had many of these episodes since her stroke almost two years ago. Today I saw the beginning of the end in her face. As I look at the three pills in the bottle, I try to accept that we will need to “ease” the trauma more times before her memory is gone.

Her stroke caused dementia, and at 84 she continues to slide downhill. The meds do a good job of controlling the anger and aggression but on days like today, nothing short of a miracle works. I had to reach for “the emergency” stash and this sank in as I watched her doze off from the effects.

Today she did not recognize her own home and thought my Gramps abandoned her in somebody else’s house while going to the grocery store. She became enraged and very self-destructive by hitting herself in the head while saying that she would rather be dead than be left “here” by herself. I tried to calm her as I always do but today nothing worked. I tried to get her to focus on what I was saying but it was too late, she was lost in her painful reality. It was a very hard choice but a drug-induced calm over self-inflicted harm is the right thing to do.

While waiting for the drug to work I showed her photos of her and my grandfather from 24 years ago, a photo of my father on a pony when he was a child, and many others I took off the walls to see if she could connect to anything. She recognized my dad but several other family members were a blur. It was so painful to watch her lose touch, it ripped my heart out.

Those four pills were the “holy grail” and they took me back to the night of her stroke when Gramps went home to try to nap and she got upset that he was not there. It took six of us to hold down an 82-year-old who barely weighed 100 lbs. Her aggression reached a point where she needed restraining. Her arms were tied to the bed yet she managed to fight. I used all of my weight to hold her down to the bed, yelling at the nurse where the hell was a shot to knock her out. The nurse did not articulate to the doctor the situation’s urgency so he did not approve a sedative. I told her if she could not articulate the need, she would pass the phone to me. I would get the message across. The doctor ordered a sedative.

Watching her lose touch with reality is like seeing your child get hit by a car in slow motion and not being able to get a word out. I’m thankful for the time we spent together no matter how painful. I focus on the good moments and do not hold on to difficult days like this.

Aging · Anxiety · Caregiver · Chronic Illness · Dementia · Elderly · Family · Health and Wellbeing · Healthy Living · Medical

My First Post In 2005 – Dementia Induced Thought’s Of Suicide

July 29, 2021March 15, 2024 Looking for the Light2 Comments

I looked back at my very first post written as a blogger, the site was different, it was called Defining Memories then but I have published on Look for the Light before. I started Defining Memories to help me mourn my granny. It was a very dark time for me and writing was the perfect outlet.

I hope the writing is as cathartic for you as it has been for me, the subject matter has changed over time but the feeling and release it gives me is the same.

Thank you so much for reading and following me on my journey.

Dementia-Induced Thoughts Of Suicide

Those four pills were the “holy grail” and they took me back to the night of her stroke when Gramps went home to try to nap and she got upset that he was not there. It took six of us to hold down an 82-year-old who barely weighed 100 lbs. Her aggression reached a point where she needed restraining. Her arms were tied to the bed yet she managed to fight. I used all of my weight to hold her down to the bed, yelling at the nurse where the hell was a shot to knock her out. The nurse did not articulate to the doctor the urgency of the situation so he did not approve a sedative. I told her if she could not articulate the need, pass the phone to me. I would get the message across. The doctor ordered a sedative.

Chronic Illness · Chronic Pain · Fibromyalgia · Health and Wellbeing · Men & Womens Health

Fibromyalgia Thoughts #3

May 19, 2020May 19, 2020 Looking for the Light14 Comments

It’s been six months since I’ve had a bad flare, the freedom from severe pain has allowed me to do more chores around the house. I bought a Bona Microfiber mop and go around singing “me and my mop”! Crazy I know but it’s been years since I’ve done regular cleaning let alone enjoyed it.

I’ve learned to not let Fibromyalgia define me, I’m a whole person. One with a life that includes Fibromyalgia, Mental Illness, other chronic illnesses, a four-legged child, a husband, and a personal life.

I’m learning about the importance of taking care of my immune system, taking supplements for the first time. Eating a bit healthier and losing a few pounds.

Self-care is in the front of my mind every day when I have a flair it takes a back seat but now I make sure there is a least one thing I do for myself to make me feel better. Maybe it’s a foot soak, I’ve bought new make-up even though I haven’t had a chance to wear. I’ve upgraded my skincare regimen and I’m worth it.

Another big change in self-care is we have premade food delivered three days a week and every other week I have premade smoothies delivered. I have found it doesn’t cost us much more, we’re eating healthier and saving a lot of time. We’ve also spent more time in the kitchen together. Since all you have to do is cook in the pan we can take turns fixing dinner. Something I haven’t done in years.

I know a flare can come at any time, I’ve been diagnosed with a new immune disorder and my mental health thankfully is stable. I can’t let my illnesses consume my thinking, my life, and my writing.

I have varied interests, my flowers, tomato plants, photography, my bird garden, and expanding my mind. All of which I get to enjoy now and don’t take for granted.

Melinda

Caregiver · Elderly · Family · Health and Wellbeing

Caregiver to Grieving in Four Days

June 16, 2019 Looking for the Light5 Comments

Each day was a roller coaster by how he felt and how exhausted I was. I learned so much being a caregiver to my grandmother and grandfather. As the population ages many of you will take on the responsibility. One of the most difficult changes was going from granddaughter to caregiver. Even at 92 my grandfather had a strong mind and felt he didn’t need help. I prayer for strength everyday.

My grandfather died in 2010 at the young age of 92 years old. I spent more time with him 2010 year than I spent at home. I cherish the time we had together, no matter how painful. They are my memories and my life changed forever with his death. His health declined so fast that for two days I did not realize that he was dying now, not in a couple of weeks. He was at home under hospice care and would not get in the hospital bed until two days before he passed. He fell out of bed that morning, he was so weak it was difficult for me to get him back in bed. I don’t think we would have been able to talk him into moving to the hospital bed if he had not fallen. For him the bed meant death and he was still fighting. My grandfather had End Stage Kidney Disease. An emergency trip to the hospital for his AFIB is how we learned he had about two months to live. We knew his kidneys were losing function but I was not ready for a timeline. His doctor had not given me that impression on a recent visit so I asked her to review the hospital records. I was not surprised but very saddened that she agreed with the prognosis. It took a couple weeks for my grandfather to believe the doctors were right. Kidney failure is a silent killer and luckily not a painful one. You start sleeping more until you sleep yourself into a coma.

I arrived on Sunday afternoon after two days of relief and he didn’t look any different. Monday morning I knew he was out of it by the things he was saying but thought it was a bad day. Tuesday I knew he was weak when he fell out of bed and felt like dead weight. It took everything in me to get him back in bed. My grandfather died on Thursday. What the doctors did not tell me is people his age die faster, the end came weeks sooner than we thought. I’m so thankful that my grandfather and I had time together to say what we wanted to say, cry for the loss and enjoy the memories. I have no regrets.

Cleaning out the house was so hard, 46 years of memories everywhere. My grandmother left notes on everything, it was like mourning her death as I found each note. Notes on back of photos, on little pieces of paper and even masking tape. I knew all the notes were there, we had looked at them many times but it was different this time. Everything being packed up this time and the house cleared out. My grandparents raised me so I’ve lost parents, they were the best you could ever pray for. The house is empty but I see my life in every room, the great memories with my grandparents are everywhere you look. I am starting a new chapter in my life. It’s a long journey ahead.

Xx M

Caregiver · Elderly · Family · Health and Wellbeing

Lost in Caregiver Twilight Zone

June 16, 2019 Looking for the Light3 Comments

Written on 12/21/2009

I’m caring for my 92-year-old grandfather following three surgeries in seven days. I’m so tired it’s numbing, it’s impossible to think about doing it again tomorrow. My grandfather is a man of habits driven by the time of day, maybe from his military background. One morning he was upset when the hospital had not brought his coffee and could not see he was the problem. We’re in a hospital not the Hilton. At home it was far worse. It does not matter that I have changed the sheets again this morning, changed his soiled underpants more than once and got him dressed for the day. If the coffee is not ready when he expects or I don’t have the newspaper yet, I hear about it. My grandparents raised me and I love my grandfather dearly but it’s hard to bite my tongue. I want to ask doesn’t he realize or care that I’ve been moving since 5:00 a.m. to take care of him.

At 92 he lives at home alone, still drives (very limited), buys groceries and goes to the local Senior Center several times a week to play dominos. He amazes me with each year. He is the healthiest dying person I know and in his mind he is much younger and more capable. This makes it impossible for him to understand recovery will take several more weeks at least. I catch him doing things he shouldn’t and I get the standard “I can do it”. He also acts like a child when he doesn’t want to do something, most of the time it’s taking his medicine or getting up to move around.

I push him gently but firmly to get up and move around. Laying in bed or sleeping in the chair all day will not improve his strength. Like all of us, he does not like being told what to do. You learn what you’re made of in stressful times. Our mind and bodies can withstand so much to help someone we love. All I know is tomorrow is a new day.

I grew up in this house and it feels strange to stay in my old bedroom at 46. The house built in 1950, is in the hood, has no dishwasher, Internet or privacy. I am going crazy without my Internet escape. I’m in the twilight zone, washing dishes by hand three times a day and the room is the same since leaving home in 1981. Tomorrow is a new day.

Caregiver · Elderly · Family

I’m Mourning and She’s Still Alive

June 16, 2019 Looking for the Light2 Comments

My grandmother passed away with Dementia from two strokes in 2005. I’m reposting for the caregivers dealing with a loved one with Alzheimer’s or Dementia. For those who have not been a caregiver, these post may help you down the road. For the caregivers who give every ounce of energy, just one piece of advice if I may. Take time to clear your head, 10 or 30 minutes whatever you can for yourself each week. I did not have any one to offer suggestions and had brain drain after both of their deaths. My body was physically broken down. Due to the nature of the illness, it’s hard to take an eye off them, 24/7. I was fortunate we had hospice care for both of my grandparents. My grandfather was healthy enough to help with my grandmother. I don’t know how to turn my brain off.

I’m Morning and She’s Still Alive

As the caregiver for my grandparents, my hands are full yet my mind runs at a high level by switching to what I call “caregiver mode”. I can manage tons of information about what drugs they take, schedule appointments, discuss test results or anything else needed to take care of two people who are dying and “switch back” when at home.

Before the fall and broken hip, my grandmother knew me. Our conversations limited yet sharing memories with her made my day. She really enjoyed a photo book I put together with many photos of her beloved dog, Blackie. Thinking about Blackie always made her smile, even though he died twenty years ago she remembers him like it was today.

On the way to their house, last week tears started rolling down my face, I could not stop crying. It took a few minutes to figure out what was causing so much pain. My mind had switched from caregiver to granddaughter and realized my grandmother no longer knew me. We would not share our memories again. I knew the day would come and say prayers for the memories we shared. The realization was much harder to accept. I am in mourning and miss my grandmother so much.

Xx M

Fun · Lyme · Men & Womens Health · Moving Forward · Music

I need a Rebel Yell, She cries more, more, more.

June 20, 2017June 20, 2017 Looking for the Light53 Comments

To C who’s in Reserves

Chromic Lyme caused many falls, some serious, some not. I took two good slams to my right knee in 18 months. It didn’t prepare me for needing a knee replacement. They pain level from Lyme was so high, the knee became part of the over all pain. I received the long needle steroid shot yesterday along with the news. I’m staying positive by saying better now than later yet know there are other surgeries in the future.

Recovering from surgeries caused from misadventures with Lyme and resisting a cane. I am only 53 and feel much younger than my body. Now he says it’s essential to get a walker to help me with balance. I went from sick to no memory to old and decrypted.

I had to get jacked up, feel younger than my body. Music takes me anywhere, doing anything, just close my eyes.

Hope you enjoy the selection. x M

Caregiver · Elderly

Caregiver to Grieving in Four Days

March 24, 2010October 3, 2022 Looking for the LightLeave a comment

My grandfather died in 2010 at the young age of 92 years old. I spent more time with him in 2010 year than I spent at home. I cherish the time we had together, no matter how painful. They are my memories and my life changed forever with his death. His health declined so fast that for two days I did not realize that he was dying now, not in a couple of weeks. He was at home under hospice care and would not get in the hospital bed until two days before he passed. He fell out of bed that morning, he was so weak it was difficult for me to get him back in bed. I don’t think we would have been able to talk him into moving to the hospital bed if he had not fallen. For him the bed meant death and he was still fighting. My grandfather had End Stage Kidney Disease. An emergency trip to the hospital for his AFIB is how we learned he had about two months to live. We knew his kidneys were losing function but I was not ready for a timeline. His doctor had not given me that impression on a recent visit so I asked her to review the hospital records. I was not surprised but very saddened that she agreed with the prognosis. It took a couple weeks for my grandfather to believe the doctors were right. Kidney failure is a silent killer and luckily not a painful one. You start sleeping more until you sleep yourself into a coma.

I arrived on Sunday afternoon after two days of relief and he didn’t look any different. Monday morning I knew he was out of it by the things he was saying but thought it was a bad day. Tuesday I knew he was weak when he fell out of bed and felt like dead weight. It took everything in me to get him back in bed. My grandfather died on Thursday. What the doctors did not tell me is people his age die faster, the end came weeks sooner than we thought. I’m so thankful that my grandfather and I had time together to say what we wanted to say, cry about the loss and enjoy the memories. I have no regrets.

Cleaning out the house was so hard, 46 years of memories were everywhere. My grandmother left notes on everything, it was like mourning her death as I found each note. Notes on the back of photos, on little pieces of paper, and even on masking tape. I knew all the notes were there, we had looked at them many times but it was different this time. Everything was packed up this time and the house cleared out. My grandparents raised me so I’ve lost parents, they were the best you could ever pray for. The house is empty but I see my life in every room, the great memories with my grandparents are everywhere you look. I am starting a new chapter in my life. It’s a long journey ahead.

Xx M

Caregiver

Lost in Caregiver Twilight Zone

December 21, 2009July 23, 2018 Looking for the LightLeave a comment

Written on 12/21/2009

Caregiver · Elderly · Family

Dementia Induced Thought’s of Suicide

October 25, 2005March 15, 2024 Looking for the Light11 Comments

Helping my gramps when making difficult life decisions, while working hard to remember she’s my grandmother. There were uncomfortable conversations, articulate to doctors how she is progressing and butt heads with family members. I ran a tight ship and had no problems telling people it was time to leave, not allowing people over every day. God blessed me with the ability to turn my depression down and step up to the next level. Love for my grandmother drove my decisions down to the last morphine stick.

As our population ages the number of caregivers increases. It can seem overwhelming at times. If you don’t have a blog I would suggest checking out, it gave me an outlet. Caregivers choose to open their hearts to emotional and physical challenges.

Dementia-Induced Thoughts Of Suicide

Today I used one of four “in case of emergency” pills to keep my Grandmother from hurting herself during a dementia-related meltdown brought on by my Gramps going to the grocery store. She’s had many of these episodes since her stroke almost two years ago. Today I saw the beginning of the end in her face. As I look at the three pills in the bottle, I try to accept that we will need to “ease” the trauma more times before her memory is gone.

Her stroke caused dementia, and at 84 she continues to slide downhill. The meds do a good job of controlling the anger and aggression but on days like today, nothing short of a miracle works. Yet we have never reached for “the emergency” stash and this sinks in as I watch her doze off from the effects.

Today she did not recognize her own home and thought my gramps abandoned her in somebody else’s house while going to the grocery store. She became enraged and very self-destructive by hitting herself in the head while saying that she would rather be dead than left “here” by herself. I tried to calm her as I always do but today nothing worked. I tried to get her to focus on what I was saying but it was too late, she was lost in her painful reality. It was a very hard choice but a drug-induced calm over self-inflicted harm is the right thing to do.

The Psychiatrist gave us four Xanax pills which were for emergency if she got violent.

Granny had another stroke and is in the hospital again. Late in the night she was sound asleep so Gramps went home to try to nap and she got upset that he was not there. It took six of us to hold down an 82-year-old who barely weighed 100 lbs. Her aggression reached a point where she needed restraining. Her arms tied to the bed yet she managed to fight. I used all of my weight to hold her down to the bed, yelling at the nurse where the hell was a shot to knock her out. The nurse did not articulate to the doctor the urgency of the situation so he did not approve a sedative. I told her if she could not articulate the need, pass the phone to me. I would get the message across. The doctor ordered a sedative.