Tag: Depression

My Brother Witnessed The Child Abuse Of Sister * Everybody Hurts*
Child Abuse · Children · Crazy? · Depression · Family · Health and Wellbeing · Mental Illness · Parental Abuse · Sexual Abuse · Suicide · Survivor

My Brother Witnessed The Child Abuse Of Sister * Everybody Hurts*

Looking for the Light15 Comments

Original post 3/2014

Everyone suffers in an abusive environment. Our house was always in chaos. An alcoholic stepfather who abused my mother and a mother who abused her daughter. There were three other children in the house who saw the abuse and heard the screams and threats. I used to think the victim was the only person with scars. At 9 years old I survived almost daily beatings by taking drugs, plenty of alcohol, and trying to kill myself. It never occurred to me my brother suffered from witnessing the abuse. My brother’s scars are from seeing our stepfather beat our mother. Dragging her down the hall beating her head from side to side. Putting a knife to her throat saying he would kill her. Most of their fights ended in front of our bedrooms. We had front-row seats to hell. My mother abused me, and the methods escalated as I aged. I heard stories of abuse as early as six months old. I don’t think my mother was trying to kill me. She’s like the women on the news who allow their kids to die. She didn’t push my head under the water but would have crocodile tears if I drowned accidentally.

One weekend driving back from Houston we passed the exit to my mother’s house. I had strong emotions about my brother, not me. I didn’t understand the emotions. It hit me like a train, my brother was not physically abused yet was still a victim of abuse. He heard his sister scream and cry while his mother threw me to the floor, and hit my head on the countertop or down the hallway walls. He saw my stepfather hit me in the mouth with his fist. He saw my stepfather threaten to kill my mother while holding a knife to her throat. The realization was an eye-opener, I had overwhelming guilt. My brother and I never talked about it. The pain was swept under the rug. I didn’t know how he felt about the violence he saw. Neither of us knew how the violence would manifest itself in our souls. We had no idea how it would affect the decisions we made as adults.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

My brother holds almost all emotions inside, it doesn’t even show on his face. I don’t think he realizes how the violence shaped him as a man. He has a good relationship with my mother yet he lives with the knowledge of what his mother did and allowed. I went to live with my father at 12 years old which meant I only saw my brother a couple of times of year. On my father’s designated holidays we went to my grandparents. We drifted apart from only seeing each other a couple of times a year. After college he moved to Arlington we were both alcoholics by then. Our meetings were at drunken parties at his apartment. We quit calling each other. It took the death of my father to bring us back together. It is the only positive from my father’s death.

I developed a strong relationship with his fiancé. We talked like old girlfriends. She was at my house one-night enjoying wine and chatting. I had no control over my mouth, it spilled out. I asked her if he acknowledged my abuse. She shared how much it affected him, the guilt he carries. A missing piece of the puzzle filled my heart. I thought I was invisible. We are very close, talk or e-mail very often. We live only 30 minutes apart but his travel schedule doesn’t allow much time together. A perfect example, is their Christmas presents are still in the closet. The difference is when we are together it’s like no time has passed.

It has been very touching to get e-mails from him as I deal with my health issues. His tone is of true concern. There was a time when I didn’t think this day would come. I’m so happy. I love my brother. I love him enough to attend his wedding even though I would have to see my mother. I did not want to look back knowing I missed his wedding. I realized another level of love and what you will do for love.

XO  Warrior

I’m Mourning and She’s Still Alive
Caregiver · Celebrate Life · Elderly · Family · Health and Wellbeing · Moving Forward

I’m Mourning and She’s Still Alive

Looking for the Light15 Comments

Originally posted in 2005

My grandmother passed away from Dementia from two strokes in 2005. I’m reposting for the caregivers dealing with a loved one with Alzheimer’s or Dementia. For those who have not been a caregiver, these posts may help you down the road. For the caregivers who give every ounce of energy, just one piece of advice if I may. Take time to clear your head, 10 or 30 minutes whatever you can for yourself each week. I did not have anyone to offer suggestions and had a brain drain after both of their deaths. My body was physically broken down. Due to the nature of the illness, it’s hard to take an eye off them, 24/7. I was fortunate we had hospice care for both of my grandparents. My grandfather was healthy enough to help my grandmother. 

I’m Morning and She’s Still Alive

As the caregiver for my grandparents, my hands are full yet my mind runs at a high level by switching to what I call “caregiver mode”. I can manage tons of information about what drugs they take, schedule appointments, discuss test results, or anything else needed to take care of two people who are dying and “switch back” when at home.

Before her fall and a broken hip, my grandmother knew me. Our conversations were limited but sharing memories with her made my day. She really enjoyed a photo book I put together with many photos of her beloved dog, Blackie. Thinking about Blackie always made her smile, even though he died twenty years ago she remembers him like it was today.

On the way to their house, last week tears started rolling down my face, I could not stop crying. It took a few minutes to figure out what was causing so much pain. My mind had switched to caregiver mode from granddaughter and realized my grandmother no longer knew me. We would not share our memories again. I knew the day would come and say prayers for the memories we shared. The realization was much harder to accept. I am in mourning and miss my grandmother so much.

Xx  M    aka Warrior

Survivor & So Much More *First Posted 4/21/2014*
Child Abuse · Mental Illness · Moving Forward · Parental Abuse · Sexual Abuse · Suicide · Survivor

Survivor & So Much More *First Posted 4/21/2014*

Looking for the Light10 Comments

I am alive, happy, productive and helping other Survivors. Very Blessed. My childhood and teenage years where so difficult I truly believed suicide was the only answer. My first attempt was at 9 years old, I took all  the pills in my dad’s medicine cabinet. I got a buzz then my stomach pumped. Suicide was always on my mind since the abuse was everyday. If  it wasn’t physical abuse, it was constant mental abuse by my mother. At the same time I saw my mother physically and emotionally abused by my alcoholic stepfather.

At 13 years old I left my abusive life behind. It sounds great but you are so wounded you don’t want to look anyone in the eye, they may hit you or call you names. My mind stripped down and filled with trash, my mother took every drop of confidence I had. Over time my confidence grew and I started building who I am today. I did get called names and had a couple good fights . Sounds like any teenager trying spread their wings.

I have many unresolved emotions, responses and fears. Who doesn’t? What I can say for sure, I’m a survivor and so much more. Survivors have to dig really deep after being kicked down. It took years for me to discover what I liked and longer to get over my fear of failure.

My mother told me I was stupid all the time. I know better when I look at the books I’ve read. I do research on the internet and find internal medical presentations. Last week was a 155-page presentation by the FDA on ECT to the medical community. I didn’t just find it, I understood entirely and told my husband about it. I’m not stupid.

I love art, music, photography, interior design, ancient history and archeology.  At the height of my career, I earned over 300K a year, #1 in the sales force.  I can grow beautiful roses, and collect antique cameras. I love travel and went to Russia by myself. I’m not stupid.

I’ve had over 20 ECT Treatments while battling the Black Dog, married three times, and started drinking at 9  years old.  I’ve made plenty of mistakes while building the person I am today at 50 years old. I’m a survivor and so much more.

I am not stupid!

Warrior

(Repost) Nine Year Old Living In Hell
Alcohol · Caregiver · Child Abuse · Mental Illness · Moving Forward · Suicide · Survivor

(Repost) Nine Year Old Living In Hell

Looking for the Light13 Comments

Original post 4/2014

My brother and I called our stepfather a Nazi because he was mostly German and he would beat our mother unmercifully. Her crimes as we knew were not having dinner ready or not warm enough. The kids were too loud, noise was not allowed in the house, and he was an alcoholic with major control issues. I was 9 years old, my brother six & half years old, and our two step-brothers were much younger. They came to live with us after Houston Social Services found my stepfather the better parent. Of the choices, he was.

Their mother was a drug addict. He never saw the boys after the divorce. By the time they were in the court system, they had been left at home for up to two weeks with no food, nothing. The youngest in the same diaper. The youngest experienced trauma so severely that he regressed to a baby. Her addiction took over her life for that matter she may have forgotten she had kids until she came down enough.

I hated my stepfather from the beginning, he didn’t wait to start controlling everything. He rarely talked to my mother it was always yelling. It was very complicated for me. I hated my mother for abusing me but it still hurt when he beat her. We had a long hallway that passed our bedrooms. When he was out of control he would walk my mother down the hall hitting her head and body from side to side down the hallway. The hallway ended in front of my bedroom, it was hell on earth.

One night my life changed for the worse. She was screaming, pleading to stop, you could hear her head banging on the walls. He kept saying he was going to kill her. It wasn’t the first time he had threatened but something in her voice was different. They stopped in front of my bedroom. I was so scared, I cracked the door and he had a knife to her throat a little blood falling down her neck. I knew he was going to kill her, I couldn’t sit there and listen. Then what would he do after that? I’m 9 years old, more mature for my age but a child. I struggled with guilt for leaving her to die but I could not hear her cry anymore. I took the nine dollars I had saved and ran away. I thought my mother was going to die, but I didn’t think about the consequences. He’s yelling with a knife to her throat, she thought she was going to die by the look on her face.

I rode my bike a couple of miles to my boyfriend’s house. His parents were so normal. They offered me something to drink and eat, put a blanket around me, and let me tell the story. They said I could stay for a while to let things cool down at home but they would have to call my mother. I didn’t think my life could get worse, wrong. At 9 years old it spiralled straight to hell that night.

My mother drove up, I knew the beating would start the minute I got in the car. We turned the corner and she started laying into me barely staying on the road. When we arrived home, I’d reached the point of not feeling the pain. I believe if nothing else happened to me, this night alone would have fuck me up bad.

I think about what another mother would have done. Hugged their child right away, acknowledged how confusing and painful it must have been, and explained it was not the child’s fault. I never had normal. I tried to kill myself every chance possible from that day forward. I cut my wrist deep at school, God wouldn’t let me go. I endured much worse until I left home.

I prayed for God to let me go. I had no more fight in me. God had more lessons for me to learn. Looking back I’m so thankful. I would not have been able to create a close-to-normal life. More importantly, I wouldn’t have been able to hold my grandmother’s hand as she died. I cared for my grandfather as he was dying.

The only time I’ve cried is thinking about my grandparents. They were the only two people who loved me unconditionally. God built my strength, I could be there for them and the person I am today.

All of the above is collateral damage, I packed away. I see a Therapist where I can talk about the past. We focus on my fears as an adult. If you’re a Survivor of abuse, I hold out my hand and give you a hug.

Warrior

couple carrying cardboard boxes in living room Reposted *D I V O R C E
Abuse · Bipolar Disorder · Child Abuse · Children · Domestic Violence · Suicide

Reposted *D I V O R C E

Looking for the Light20 Comments

Original post 5/2014

It was a normal Sunday like any other. I was 6 and my brother was 3 1/2 years old, my mother was taking us to the lake. We never went to the lake, and I began to get excited about playing in the water. I also grew concerned, about what did she have on her mind. Even at 6 years old I knew she always had an agenda. We pulled up to the picnic tables on the far side of the lake, nowhere near the water. She tells my brother and me that our parents are getting a divorce. Not understanding what it meant I asked her to spell it for me. I kept repeating the spelling in my head so I could ask my friend. I would find out sooner than later. Gramp’s truck was overflowing with my father’s belongings. They were driving off as we rounded the corner.

Their relationship went from bad to hell on earth. My mother took every chance to tell us how much she hated him. She married within six months his name was R known as (Nazi & Lucifer). He was her supervisor at work and could get her the white picket fence. We moved into a new house with a big backyard, things looked so normal on the outside. If people only knew the carnage on the inside.

Custody was a nightmare, Daddy would bring us home and she would throw things at him. One time she hit him in the head with the Sunday paper. This was the beginning of a twice-a-month cycle of harassment.

After a couple of years, we moved to a country with, a population of 137. It was almost a two-hour trip. One Thanksgiving my dad arrived 15 minutes early and she called the sheriff. My dad didn’t get out of the car, he knew he was early and she was crazy.

It’s sad parents separated or divorced talk bad about the other. It was not just my mother, her mother and grandmother, they hated my dad. He forced her to get pregnant and I’m the devil’s child. They would call our house ranting about how I was a mistake, ruined my mother’s future, and how much they hated my father. We lived in a toxic environment because my mother was toxic.

The scars my brother and I had from their behavior were nothing compared to the abuse inside the house. It reached a point where I had to go pick my brother up to avoid her shit. My father was no angel but he never talked bad about my mother. My mother told me that daddy raped her and I was a mistake. Her common saying, like several times a day, I hate your father, and you are just like him. At 9-10 years old it doesn’t take long to figure out your mother hates you because you’re just like your father.

I don’t know why, I wondered if could be true, I held it in for years. I don’t know how we got to the topic. I was angry at my father and spit out what she had told me. The look in his eyes said everything. My father was so hurt and said I loved your mother.

When my father killed himself he had a lock box on the coffee table and papers spread everywhere. Their divorce papers were on the table, his Bible open to Job and a notepad with written words scattered on the page. No sentences, I did see the number for the suicide hotline and one of his oldest friends. Written in one corner was 11:00 and he died between 7-8 pm. I wondered if it took him that long to pull the trigger or if was he trying to fight his demons. There are tear stains in the Book of Job.

Warrior

Post From 2014-About Looking For The Light Blog
Alcohol · Bipolar Disorder · Child Abuse · Domestic Violence · Men & Womens Health · Mental Illness · Parental Abuse · Sexual Abuse · Suicide · Survivor · Therapy

Post From 2014-About Looking For The Light Blog

Looking for the Light9 Comments

My mother, stepfather, and father abused me until I was a teenager. All the scars hurt particularly of my father who sexually abused me. It’s hard to wrap your head around sexual abuse. My father committed suicide in 1992. It was an extremely difficult time, my grandmother never recovered he was her only child. In my father’s suicide note, he wanted me to take care of all the details. Estranged for years but the heart still breaks. Because of how he killed himself, we had to have a closed-casket funeral. It’s very hard to reconcile death when you can’t see them. I gave the eulogy however I don’t remember.

I struggle with Treatment-Resistant Bipolar Disorder and the anxiety it brings. I was diagnosed at 19 years old struggling for years without medication or over medicated. In 2005 I had the Vagus Nerve Stimulator implanted. The device sends electrical signals to the brain to increase Serotonin. I have taken over 40 prescriptions or protocals. Some worked for a while then you have to try another mix. I thought the VNS device would keep me on the rails. Naïve thinking on my part. I was not as lucky as many in the FDA clinical trial. I realized the device was like any other prescription and it was another that didn’t work.

I’m 50 years old, and the Black Dog drags me down deeper as I age. I’m alive with the help of God, my Husband, my Therapist, and my Psychiatrist. I’m blessed with a husband that won’t give up. It takes a village.

I hope we can build a resource for all including the ones who love us. Please leave your thoughts in the comment section. Your thoughts help make me a better person and blogger.

Warrior

Repost From 2015-Guilt is the Shadow in the Mirror
Bipolar Disorder · Child Abuse · Family · Men & Womens Health · Mental Illness · Parental Abuse · Rape · Suicide · Survivor

Repost From 2015-Guilt is the Shadow in the Mirror

Looking for the Light22 Comments

All Gramps said is your daddy has done away with himself. I screamed then said I’m on the way. Calling right back to ask were they sure he’s dead? Yes. I think years of abuse left a permanent hole in my heart. I go there to do actions requiring no emotions. It’s like autopilot, it has served me well. I started to think about work, and who I needed to call. I’m driving with emergency lights on going at 100 mph calling my work team. I stayed on autopilot until I pulled up to my grandparents.

Estranged since I was a teen, I thought it odd when he started calling. He sounded delusional and extremely paranoid. Nothing made sense, he was not talking in sentences. I pieced together he didn’t have any money and couldn’t work. Why he could not work must have come from the madness.

I would do anything to avoid my granny being hurt. I paid his bills. Over the next several months the phone calls were my hell on earth. He would threaten to kill himself then go off on what didn’t sound like words. I couldn’t make out anything he was saying as he yelled on the phone. I would keep trying to redirect him back to our conversation. I did not tell anyone what Daddy said. He was mentally ill. It had been years since we talked, maybe this was his norm. I didn’t know.

Everyone was sitting on the floor when I entered the door. The first words out of my mouth were “he told me”. I felt overwhelming guilt, I let my family down. I knew it wasn’t logical but emotions rarely are. My mind scrambled, my father sexually abused me and I’m feeling guilty. I forgave my father, cut him out of my life, paid bills, and felt guilty.

My grandparents and I went to Daddy’s the next morning. The disarray would alert anyone that something was wrong. On his coffee table, his lockbox was open with every card I had given him, every school photo. The divorce paperwork to my mother laid on the table, his Bible open to Job. You could see tear stains on the pages. The house had papers scattered everywhere, dishes piled up, and everything thrown around. My father had reached the bottom long ago and no one knew.

I found a shoebox full of cassette tapes from recorded phone conversations. It took seven months to listen to every tape. I would have a couple of drinks, listen and cry. Like a tornado in my head, being in the house my sexual abuse took place, Daddy putting 357 mags to my head, being a drug addict, and my boyfriend and I planning how to kill my father. These are the times the hole in my heart is useful. Granny didn’t know about the abuse and went to her grave not knowing. To help my granny cope, I would not cry or show emotion around her. I wanted to piece her heart back together. Holding emotions inside extended my grieving process a long seven years.

A couple of weeks later the morgue called asking me to pick up the gun. I rang the side doorbell, and someone brought the original suicide note, autopsy report, and gun with dried blood. My mind could not prepare for reading the autopsy report. Every detail of how he shot himself. The trajectory of the bullet, lobes damaged, bones crushed, and exit wounds.

I believe my father died so I could live. Learning about his mental illness pointed me to my own. Through Ancestry, I connected with Daddy’s half-brother and several family members. There were over ten suicides in only three generations and many now with severe mental illness.

Daddy

1940-1992 

Melinda

Are you suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder? Top 5 Lamps for SAD
Chronic Illness · Depression · Health and Wellbeing · Men & Womens Health · Mental Health

Are you suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder? Top 5 Lamps for SAD

Looking for the Light1 Comment

This is a repost that is always worth sharing.

Are you suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD? Seasonal Affective Disorder is a type of depression that comes and goes with the seasons. Many people experience worse symptoms in the winter months. One of the proven ways to help with SAD is a specific type of lamp or light therapy box that emits a specific spectrum of light.

The SAD lamps are designed to mimic natural sunlight which is known to create Seratonin in the brain and helps to control your mood. During the winter months, there is often less sunshine and the loss of Seratonin from the darkness can cause depression. Are you suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD?

One of the ways to help compensate for the loss of sunshine is to add a Lamp specifically designed to mimic sunshine by providing light artificially.

How Do SAD Lamps Work?

Typically, light therapy is meant to compensate for the lack of exposure to sunlight that is thought to be linked to major depressive disorder with seasonal patterns. You’ll sit near a lightbox, which emits a strong light. The light usually mimics natural sunlight, but there can be variations. A unit of measure called a lux gauges the amount of light used in treatment. The standard output of a lightbox is between 2,500 and 10,000 lux.

Treatments usually begin in the fall and continue until early spring. Sessions commonly last from 10 to 15 minutes. The length of the session depends on how well you handle the treatment and the strength of the lightbox. Someone new to the method may be given shorter initial treatments. The more powerful the lightbox, the shorter the treatment session can be.

Why light therapy is effective is still being studied. One theory is that light naturally triggers the production of serotonin in the brain. Serotonin is the “feel-good” brain chemical. Some experts believe that success with light therapy is due to a placebo effect.

Top 5 Lamps for SAD

*Some of the links may not work since this is an older post but there are plenty of affordable options out there.*

Miroco

  • Full Spectrum Light: The light therapy lamp delivers bright light at up to 10,000 lux to provide you with your daily boost of sunshine
  • Safe for Eyes & Skin: UV Free LED-No light pollution, no radiation, lasts longer than fluorescent bulbs
  • 3 Modes at Finger Touch: Choose the most effective brightness for your needs at the touch of a finger
  • Built-In Timer: Re-energize yourself by setting an automatic timer from 10-60min in 10 minute intervals; long press any button 1.5s to cancel timing function
  • Portable Design: Compact size with foldable bracket makes the lamp easy to store and carry; fits next to your laptop, on the kitchen counter, on your cubicle desk, and elsewhere
Tao Tronics
  • 10000 Lux Bright Light Therapy: Simulating natural daylight at 6500K, the glare-free light therapy lamp helps to effectively combat gloomy mood and rainy days, no risk of sunburn as this lamp is UV-free
  • 20%-100% Customized Brightness: Easily adjust the brightness to cater to various needs, moods, lighting distances, and during autumn and winter days
  • 60 Energy-Efficient LEDs: More LEDs are used to deliver the full brightness at only 12W, does not emit any UV light or other polluting radiation
  • Ultra-Compact: The therapy lamp measures only 6.9 x 6.5 x 4.2in so it can be set up anywhere like on a desk, kitchen counter, or other small places; easily stored away to be taken with you anywhere when traveling
  • Easy Touch Control: Just tap the Power button on the top to turn the lamp on or off, and the Brightness button smoothly dims or brightens the lamp

Miroco 

  • Extra-Large Light Surface & UV-Free Light Therapy Light: Surface area (9. 8 x 6. 7in); the lamp delivers the recommended 10,000Lux and emulates the energizing power of a bright sunny day
  • Adjustable Brightness: With smooth dimmer, you can set it to the best level according to the environment, distance and your sensitivity with just a simple touch
  • Built-In Timer: Re-energize yourself by setting an automatic timer from 10-60min in 10 minute intervals; long press any button 1.5s to cancel timing function
  • Stable Therapy Lamp with Tilting Head: adjustable lamp head (angle range 55°) allows to adapt to each unique environment; Aluminum alloy stand with four rubber mat is stable and stylish
  • Memory Function: Helps you quickly turn on your light from last brightness letting
  • USA BASED – Verilux, with over 60 years as your Healthy Lighting Company, is the creator of the original HappyLight brand with live customer support located in Vermont.
  • LED, UV-FREE, FULL SPECTRUM LIGHT – Delivers up to 10,000 lux (light level) intensity for effective light therapy. Refined styling with a smooth rubber reinforcing trim and detachable weighted base stand. Lens dimension: 53 sq in.
  • PERSONALIZED SETTINGS – This light therapy lamp offers 4 brightness levels, HappyHue with a choice of 3 hues of bright white light, and a countdown timer for the most choices for maximum comfort.
  • IMPROVE SLEEP, MOOD, FOCUS, ENERGY – Bright light from the HappyLight Luxe light therapy lamp provides signals to the body to help you feel energized, focused, and revitalized.
  • SAFE AND NATURAL LIGHT THERAPY – Non-invasive and drug-free; perfect for office workers, seniors, shift work, jet lag, insomnia, and sunlight deprivation.
  • 10000 LUX LIGHT THERAPY LAMP (AT 12″). Daylight Lamp provides the recommended 10,000 LUX of glare-free white light. Sunlight lamp includes a safe, glare-free screen, and is a LED therapy light. Comes with a flexible angle stand for optimal light therapy
  • LED THERAPY LIGHT. The Mayo Clinic suggests using light therapy. Our natural light lamp brings you a light therapy lamp that safely and comfortably blocks 99.3% of UV and projects light downward as recommended by experts for maximum effectiveness
  • FULL SPECTRUM LIGHT. MAXIMUM EFFECTIVENESS. A large sun light lamp that provides superior light therapy. Our light therapy box is based on the model used by global researchers and includes 2 light settings for effective light box therapy.
  • CLINICAL STRENGTH, INDUSTRY LEADER. Raise your mood, improve your sleep, recover from jet lag, or boost your low energy using our mood light therapy light. Use it to energize your day or improve concentration while you work. Includes 5 year warranty.
  • BROAD ILLUMINATION RANGE. Our LED BrightZone Technology delivers the maximum dose of 10,000 LUX at 12 inches, ensuring you don’t have sit up close to the sun lamp like competing brands, maximizing effectiveness.

Several have coupons available from Amazon. I purchased the Miroco for myself and my father-in-law because it’s one of the top-rated and it’s compact. I didn’t need any bells and whistles and this one fits my needs.

Are you suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD? I would love to hear about your experience and how you’ve worked to combat depression brought on by the darker months.

Melinda

Bipolar Disorder · Family · Health and Wellbeing · Men & Womens Health · Mental Health · Mental Illness · Suicide · Survivor

Guilt is the Shadow in the Mirror

Looking for the Light3 Comments

May is Mental Health Awareness month and I wanted to share a post written in 2015. Suicide is one of the reasons we need awareness, it can happen to anyone, with or without notice.

Photo by Dids on Pexels.com

All he said is your daddy has done away with himself. I screamed then said I’m on the way. Calling right back to ask were they sure he was dead? Yes. I think years of abuse left a permanent hole in my heart. I go there to do actions requiring no emotions. It’s like autopilot, it has served me well. I started to think about work, and who I needed to call. I’m driving with emergency lights on going 100 mph calling my work team. I stayed on autopilot until I pulled up to my grandparents.

Estranged since a teen, I thought it odd when he started calling. He sounded delusional and extremely paranoid. Nothing made sense, he was not talking in sentences. I pieced together he didn’t have any money and couldn’t work. Why he could not work must have come from the madness.

I would do anything to avoid my granny being hurt. I paid his bills. Over the next several months the phone calls were my hell on earth. He would threaten to kill himself and then go off on what didn’t sound like words. I couldn’t make out anything he was saying as he yelled on the phone. I would keep trying to redirect him back to our conversation. I did not tell anyone what daddy said. He was mentally ill. It had been years since we talked, maybe this was his norm. I didn’t know.

Everyone sitting on the floor when I entered the door. The first words out of my mouth were what he told me. I felt overwhelming guilt, I let my family down. I knew it wasn’t logical but emotions rarely are. My mind scrambled, my father sexually abused me and I’m feeling guilty. I forgave my father, cut him out of my life, paid bills, and feel guilty.

My grandparents and I went to daddy’s the next morning. The disarray would alert anyone that something was wrong. On his coffee table, his lockbox opened with every card I had ever given him, every school photo. The divorce paperwork to my mother laid on the table, his bible open to Job. You could see tear stains on the pages. The house had papers scattered everywhere, dishes piled up, and everything was thrown around. My father had reached the bottom long ago and no one knew.

I found a shoebox full of cassette tapes from recorded phone conversations. It took seven months to listen to every tape. I would have a couple of drinks, listen and cry. Like a tornado in my head, being in the house my sexual abuse took place, daddy putting 357 mag to my head, being a drug addict, and my boyfriend and I planning how to kill my father. These are the times the hole in my heart is useful. Granny didn’t know about the abuse and went to her grave not knowing. To help my granny cope, I would not cry or show emotion around her. I wanted to piece her heart back together. Holding emotions inside extended my grieving process for a long seven years.

A couple of weeks later the morgue called asking me to pick up the gun. Ring the side doorbell, someone brought the original suicide note, autopsy report, and gun with dried blood. My mind could not prepare for reading the autopsy report. Every detail of how he shot himself. The trajectory of bullets, lobes damaged, bones crushed, and exit wounds.

I believe my father died so I could live. Learning about his mental illness pointed me to my own. Thru ancestry, I connected with daddy’s half-brother and several family members. There were over ten suicides in only three generations and many are now with severe mental illness.

Daddy

1940-1992 

Melinda

Why Rain & Clouds Are Stressful
Health and Wellbeing · Healthy Living · Men & Womens Health · Mental Health

Why Rain & Clouds Are Stressful

Looking for the Light1 Comment

This is a helpful re-post that is very appropriate for today’s weather around the world. 

Melinda

 

This year, especially, creates new stressful events that affect all of us. Nobody can ignore how much the COVID-19 pandemic has been a challenge for our mental health. Yet, the pandemic fear isn’t the only thing that can lead to stress during the last quarter of the year. 

Photo by Bibhukalyan Acharya on Pexels.com

SAD symptoms get worse

You are probably familiar with Seasonal Affective Disorder, especially if you’ve been consciously self-isolated this year. SAD, for short, is a type of depressive disorder that is linked to seasonal light exposures. Typically, it occurs when days get shorter and nights longer, as you receive less direct sunlight. As the summer has come to an end, you may find your mood sinking again. SAD can develop into severe depression, so it’s not a disorder you should ignore. Thankfully, a lot of individuals with SAD can experience significant improvements with light therapy. Did you know that something as simple as buying a lamp for SAD may help to create the feel-good serotonin that affects your brain’s needs? 

Floodings everywhere 

After the sunny summer comes the autumn rain. Unfortunately, some areas are more likely to get flooded during the colder months because the soil can’t absorb the rainwater. Unfortunately, depending on where you live, seasonal floods may be a frequent occurrence. Even if your home is safe from significant damages, you could still get affected when you drive on the road. It’s not uncommon to come across deep puddles in winter that could damage your engines. Ideally, countryside dwellers need vehicles that can survive heavy floods, such as the reliable high-chassis Land Rover Discovery – You may want to head to your local Land Rover dealerships to find a vehicle that can drive through deep water. 

Photo by Magda Ehlers on Pexels.com

Only 2 months before Christmas

It is soon the season to be jolly! Except that Christmas can also drive your stress levels to the maximum. A lot of people are already experiencing pre-Christmas stress when they think of the cost of preparation, shopping for presents, and the pressure to deal with family expectations. With a little over 2 months to get ready, it’s likely that you may be feeling overwhelmed already. It’s been an odd sort of year, and time has seemed to fly away from us. 

The feeling that the year has gone by too quickly

How can it already be October? The last time you checked, it was March and the news of a pandemic was just hitting the media. What happened to 2020? While everyone has had to put their lives on hold for the past 6 months, it’s hard to get to grips with the reality of the situation. It feels like a wasted year where you haven’t been able to enjoy much of it. For the time being, we have to learn patience to stay safe. 

In conclusion, feeling stressed or depressed by the rainy season is the most natural thing in the world. Thankfully, there are more than one ways to handle the situation. Whether you need to consider light therapy or organize your Christmas events early, stress is a response to a problem. Yet, most problems can be solved once you’ve identified your triggers! 

This is a collaborative post.

Melinda

Abuse · Bipolar Disorder · Child Abuse · Depression · Mental Health · Mental Illness · Parental Abuse · PTSD

Running to Stand Still

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May is Mental Health Awareness Month and I wanted to shine a light on my own mental health struggles. I believe trauma in our early years greatly impacts our mental health. I got the short in the the stick as they say and I’m so glad to have had the right people in my life and the will to fight to get where I am today.

I have Bipolar Disorder on top of trauma related PTSD but today I’m stable. take my meds 99% of the time, keep a schedule, work hard to reduce stress in my life since that is one of the big triggers with my Bipolar Disorder.

I want to say to anyone out there who is struggling, do something. Anything, a step forward is a step forward. If you are at the bottom barely hanging on, check yourself in to a Psychiatric Hospital and ge the help you need. There is no shame, NO SHAME! I’ve been hospitalized several times and I’m alive today.

If you want to live and don’t know who, reach out to someone. Call 911 if you have to, go to the hospital, do something. Your life is important!

Photo by Anna Shvets on Pexels.com

Original post from 3/2014

The song “Running to Stand Still” by U2 pierced my soul. I can’t explain the feeling. It describes my life in four simple words. I have fought most of my life to stay alive, many of my own bad choices. In the early sixties, my parents met at a party. I don’t know if they dated or a one-night stand. At 17 years old she was pregnant and engaged to another man. Women didn’t have the voice we do today so it was a shot-gun wedding. I don’t know what baggage she brought to the relationship. I know both of her parents were alcoholics. I believe one issue was the two kids with picket fence fantasy and displaced anger. I was physically and mentally abused by my mother from birth. We lived in a two-story duplex. One afternoon my grandparents came over. My grandmother learned my mother had left me upstairs in the bathtub at six months old. On another visit in the middle of winter, they found me in a diaper,  my high chair pushed up to an open window. I was running a fever and was crying. She opened the window because I was hot. I was not physically able to run but believe my mind started running early. Running from the pain, feeling unloved, lack of trust, and believed the terrible things said to me were true. It’s been a long journey to learn who I am. Most days I think positive, keep the pain locked away and maneuver my Bipolar Disorder. I buried the past for survival and to move forward. I’ve learned from years of therapy, pain finds you or affects your health. Both have found me, we work on my inner child each session.  

M/Warrior

woman with red umbrella standing at riverbank Why Rain & Clouds Are Stressful
Health and Wellbeing · Healthy Living · Men & Womens Health · Mental Health

Why Rain & Clouds Are Stressful

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Why Rain & Clouds Are Stressful

It is the season to be gloomy. Gray clouds in the sky and puddles on the path! For a lot of people, autumnal and wintry weather can affect your mood dramatically. Did you know that rain and clouds could be a potent source of stress in your life? 

woman with red umbrella standing at riverbank
Photo by Josh Hild on Pexels.com

This year, especially, creates new stressful events that affect all of us. Nobody can ignore how much the COVID-19 pandemic has been a challenge for our mental health. Yet, the pandemic fear isn’t the only thing that can lead to stress during the last quarter of the year. 

SAD symptoms get worse

You are probably familiar with Seasonal Affective Disorder, especially if you’ve been consciously self-isolated this year. SAD, for short, is a type of depressive disorder that is linked to seasonal light exposures. Typically, it occurs when days get shorter and nights longer, as you receive less direct sunlight. As the summer has come to an end, you may find your mood sinking again. SAD can develop into severe depression, so it’s not a disorder you should ignore. Thankfully, a lot of individuals with SAD can experience significant improvements with light therapy. Did you know that something as simple as buying a lamp for SAD may help to create the feel-good serotonin that affects your brain’s needs? 

Floodings everywhere 

After the sunny summer comes the autumn rain. Unfortunately, some areas are more likely to get flooded during the colder months because the soil can’t absorb the rainwater. Unfortunately, depending on where you live, seasonal floods may be a frequent occurrence. Even if your home is safe from significant damages, you could still get affected when you drive on the road. It’s not uncommon to come across deep puddles in winter that could damage your engines. Ideally, countryside dwellers need vehicles that can survive heavy floods, such as the reliable high-chassis Land Rover Discovery – You may want to head to your local Land Rover dealerships to find a vehicle that can drive through deep water. 

Only 2 months before Christmas

It is soon the season to be jolly! Except that Christmas can also drive your stress levels to the maximum. A lot of people are already experiencing pre-Christmas stress when they think of the cost of preparation, shopping for presents, and the pressure to deal with family expectations. With a little over 2 months to get ready, it’s likely that you may be feeling overwhelmed already. It’s been an odd sort of year, and time has seemed to fly away from us. 

The feeling that the year has gone by too quickly

How can it already be October? The last time you checked, it was March and the news of a pandemic was just hitting the media. What happened to 2020? While everyone has had to put their lives on hold for the past 6 months, it’s hard to get to grips with the reality of the situation. It feels like a wasted year where you haven’t been able to enjoy much of it. For the time being, we have to learn patience to stay safe. 

In conclusion, feeling stressed or depressed by the rainy season is the most natural thing in the world. Thankfully, there are more than one ways to handle the situation. Whether you need to consider light therapy or organize your Christmas events early, stress is a response to a problem. Yet, most problems can be solved once you’ve identified your triggers! 

This is a collaborative post.

In Health,

Melinda

Are you suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder? Top 5 Lamps for SAD
Chronic Illness · Depression · Health and Wellbeing · Men & Womens Health · Mental Health

Are you suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder? Top 5 Lamps for SAD

Looking for the Light3 Comments

Are you suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD? Seasonal Affective Disorder is a type of depression that comes and goes with the seasons. Many people experience worse symptoms in the winter months. One of the proven ways to help with SAD is a specific type of lamp or light therapy box that emits a specific spectrum of light.

The SAD lamps are designed to mimic natural sunlight which is known to create Seratonin in the brain and helps to control your mood. During the winter months, there is often less sunshine and the loss of Seratonin from the darkness can cause depression. Are you suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD?

One of the ways to help compensate for the loss of sunshine is to add a Lamp specifically designed to mimic sunshine by providing light artificially.

How Do SAD Lamps Work?

Typically, light therapy is meant to compensate for the lack of exposure to sunlight that is thought to be linked to major depressive disorder with seasonal patterns. You’ll sit near a lightbox, which emits a strong light. The light usually mimics natural sunlight, but there can be variations. A unit of measure called a lux gauges the amount of light used in treatment. The standard output of a lightbox is between 2,500 and 10,000 lux.

Treatments usually begin in the fall and continue until early spring. Sessions commonly last from 10 to 15 minutes. The length of the session depends on how well you handle the treatment and the strength of the lightbox. Someone new to the method may be given shorter initial treatments. The more powerful the lightbox, the shorter the treatment session can be.

Why light therapy is effective is still being studied. One theory is that light naturally triggers the production of serotonin in the brain. Serotonin is the “feel-good” brain chemical. Some experts believe that success with light therapy is due to a placebo effect.

 

Top 5 Lamps for SAD

Miroco

  • Full Spectrum Light: The light therapy lamp delivers bright light at up to 10,000 lux to provide you with your daily boost of sunshine
  • Safe for Eyes & Skin: UV Free LED-No light pollution, no radiation, lasts longer than fluorescent bulbs
  • 3 Modes at Finger Touch: Choose the most effective brightness for your needs at the touch of a finger
  • Built-In Timer: Re-energize yourself by setting an automatic timer from 10-60min in 10 minute intervals; long press any button 1.5s to cancel timing function
  • Portable Design: Compact size with foldable bracket makes the lamp easy to store and carry; fits next to your laptop, on the kitchen counter, on your cubicle desk, and elsewhere
Tao Tronics
  • 10000 Lux Bright Light Therapy: Simulating natural daylight at 6500K, the glare-free light therapy lamp helps to effectively combat gloomy mood and rainy days, no risk of sunburn as this lamp is UV-free
  • 20%-100% Customized Brightness: Easily adjust the brightness to cater to various needs, moods, lighting distances, and during autumn and winter days
  • 60 Energy-Efficient LEDs: More LEDs are used to deliver the full brightness at only 12W, does not emit any UV light or other polluting radiation
  • Ultra-Compact: The therapy lamp measures only 6.9 x 6.5 x 4.2in so it can be set up anywhere like on a desk, kitchen counter, or other small places; easily stored away to be taken with you anywhere when traveling
  • Easy Touch Control: Just tap the Power button on the top to turn the lamp on or off, and the Brightness button smoothly dims or brightens the lamp

Miroco 

  • Extra-Large Light Surface & UV-Free Light Therapy Light: Surface area (9. 8 x 6. 7in); the lamp delivers the recommended 10,000Lux and emulates the energizing power of a bright sunny day
  • Adjustable Brightness: With smooth dimmer, you can set it to the best level according to the environment, distance and your sensitivity with just a simple touch
  • Built-In Timer: Re-energize yourself by setting an automatic timer from 10-60min in 10 minute intervals; long press any button 1.5s to cancel timing function
  • Stable Therapy Lamp with Tilting Head: adjustable lamp head (angle range 55°) allows to adapt to each unique environment; Aluminum alloy stand with four rubber mat is stable and stylish
  • Memory Function: Helps you quickly turn on your light from last brightness letting
  • USA BASED – Verilux, with over 60 years as your Healthy Lighting Company, is the creator of the original HappyLight brand with live customer support located in Vermont.
  • LED, UV-FREE, FULL SPECTRUM LIGHT – Delivers up to 10,000 lux (light level) intensity for effective light therapy. Refined styling with a smooth rubber reinforcing trim and detachable weighted base stand. Lens dimension: 53 sq in.
  • PERSONALIZED SETTINGS – This light therapy lamp offers 4 brightness levels, HappyHue with a choice of 3 hues of bright white light, and a countdown timer for the most choices for maximum comfort.
  • IMPROVE SLEEP, MOOD, FOCUS, ENERGY – Bright light from the HappyLight Luxe light therapy lamp provides signals to the body to help you feel energized, focused, and revitalized.
  • SAFE AND NATURAL LIGHT THERAPY – Non-invasive and drug-free; perfect for office workers, seniors, shift work, jet lag, insomnia, and sunlight deprivation.
  • 10000 LUX LIGHT THERAPY LAMP (AT 12″). Daylight Lamp provides the recommended 10,000 LUX of glare-free white light. Sunlight lamp includes a safe, glare-free screen, and is a LED therapy light. Comes with a flexible angle stand for optimal light therapy
  • LED THERAPY LIGHT. The Mayo Clinic suggests using light therapy. Our natural light lamp brings you a light therapy lamp that safely and comfortably blocks 99.3% of UV and projects light downward as recommended by experts for maximum effectiveness
  • FULL SPECTRUM LIGHT. MAXIMUM EFFECTIVENESS. A large sun light lamp that provides superior light therapy. Our light therapy box is based on the model used by global researchers and includes 2 light settings for effective light box therapy.
  • CLINICAL STRENGTH, INDUSTRY LEADER. Raise your mood, improve your sleep, recover from jet lag, or boost your low energy using our mood light therapy light. Use it to energize your day or improve concentration while you work. Includes 5 year warranty.
  • BROAD ILLUMINATION RANGE. Our LED BrightZone Technology delivers the maximum dose of 10,000 LUX at 12 inches, ensuring you don’t have sit up close to the sun lamp like competing brands, maximizing effectiveness.

Several have coupons available from Amazon. I purchased the Miroco for myself and my father-in-law because it’s one of the top-rated and it’s compact. I didn’t need any bells and whistles and this one fits my needs.

Are you suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD? I would love to hear your experience and how you’ve worked to combat depression brought on by the darker months.

Melinda

Abuse · Child Abuse · Family · Parental Abuse · Sexual Abuse · Suicide

My Brother Witnessed Domestic Violence And Child Abuse * Everybody Hurts*

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Original post 3/2014

Everyone suffers in an abusive environment. Our house was always in chaos. An alcoholic stepfather who abused my mother and a mother who abused her daughter. There were three other children in the house who saw the abuse, heard the screams and threats. I used to think the victim was the only person with scars. At 9 years old I survived almost daily beatings by taking drugs, plenty of alcohol and trying to kill myself. It never occurred to me my brother suffered from witnessing the abuse. My brother’s scars are from seeing our stepfather beat our mother. Dragging her down the hall beating her head from side to side. Putting a knife to her throat saying he would kill her. Most of their fights ending in front of our bedrooms. We had front row seats to hell. My mother abused me, the methods escalated as I aged. I heard stories of abuse as early as six months old. I don’t think my mother was trying to kill me. She’s like the women on the news who allow their kids to die. She didn’t push my head under the water but would have crocodile tears if I drowned accidentally.

One weekend driving back from Houston we passed the exit to my mother’s house. I had strong emotions about my brother not me. I didn’t understand the emotions. It hit me like a train, my brother was not physically abused yet was still a victim of abuse. He heard his sister scream and cry while his mother threw me to the floor, hit my head on the countertop or down the hallway walls. He saw my stepfather hit me in mouth with his fist. He saw my stepfather threaten to kill my mother while holding a knife to her throat. The realization was an eye opener, I had overwhelming guilt. My brother and I never talked about it. The pain was swept under the rug. I didn’t know how he felt about the violence he saw. Neither of us knew how the violence would manifest itself in our souls. We had no idea how it would affect decisions we made as adults.

My brother holds almost all emotions inside, it doesn’t even show on his face. I don’t think he realizes how the violence shaped him as a man. He has a good relationship with my mother yet he lives with the knowledge of what his mother did and allowed. I went to live with my father at 12 years old which meant I only saw my brother a couple of times of year. On my fathers designated holidays we went to my grandparents. We drifted apart from only seeing each other a couple of times a year. After college he moved to Arlington we were both alcoholics by then. Our meetings were at drunken parties at his apartment. We quit calling each other. It took the death of my father to bring us back together. It is the only positive from my father’s death.

I developed a strong relationship with his fiancé. We talked like old girlfriends. She was at my house one night enjoying wine and chatting. I had no control over my mouth, it spilled out. I asked her if he acknowledged my abuse. She shared how much it effected him, the guilt he carries. A missing piece of the puzzle filled my heart. I thought I was invisible. We are very close, talk or e-mail very often. We live only 30 minutes apart but his travel schedule doesn’t allow much time together. A perfect example, their Christmas present are still in the closet. The difference is when we are together it’s like no time has passed. It has been very touching to get e-mails from him as I deal with my health issues. His tone is of true concern. There was a time when I didn’t think this day would come. I’m so happy. I love my brother. I love him enough to attend his wedding even though I would have to see my mother. I did not want to look back knowing I missed his wedding. I realized another level of love and what you will do for love.

XO  Warrior

 

Caregiver 101 Tips I Missed
Caregiver · Elderly · Family · Men & Womens Health

Caregiver 101 Tips I Missed

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Reblogged from 2009

I care for my 92-year-old gramps and have been here five weeks. He had three surgeries in seven days. Without Caregiving 101 training, I learned the hard way.

*Ask the doctor what happens if the  procedure does not work.

*If a second procedure does not work, is there a third option.

*What is the recovery time and type of home health services needed.

*Is the surgery necessary for a 92-year-old who is already dying!

Gramps went in for non-invasive surgery, nothing prepared me for the outcome. I’ve been through several surgeries with gramps. This procedure had not been performed before however it sounded like the least complicated procedure to date. I forgot nothing is normal or non-invasive at 92 years old. We went from going home that afternoon, to having three surgeries over seven days. I made the mistake of thinking the procedure would go as in the past. Age makes all the difference, five years at this stage of Kidney Failure can change everything.

I’m blessed to spend this time with gramps, we still have a long road ahead. It is emotional and life changing. I’ve become the parent and he doesn’t like me telling him when to take his medicine. He has raised his voice more in the past month than in my lifetime. It’s hard to take it in stride, just bite tongue. Stress has triggered my depression, I struggle to keep myself in check and take care of my gramps.

 

Xx  M   aka Warrior

Caregiver · Elderly · Family

I’m Mourning and She’s Still Alive

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My grandmother passed away with Dementia from two strokes in 2005. I’m reposting for the caregivers dealing with a loved one with Alzheimer’s or Dementia. For those who have not been a caregiver, these post may help you down the road. For the caregivers who give every ounce of energy, just one piece of advice if I may. Take time to clear your head, 10 or 30 minutes whatever you can for yourself each week. I did not have any one to offer suggestions and had brain drain after both of their deaths. My body was physically broken down. Due to the nature of the illness, it’s hard to take an eye off them, 24/7. I was fortunate we had hospice care for both of my grandparents. My grandfather was healthy enough to help with my grandmother. I don’t know how to turn my brain off.

I’m Morning and She’s Still Alive

As the caregiver for my grandparents, my hands are full yet my mind runs at a high level by switching to what I call “caregiver mode”. I can manage tons of information about what drugs they take, schedule appointments, discuss test results or anything else needed to take care of two people who are dying and “switch back” when at home.

Before the fall and broken hip, my grandmother knew me. Our conversations limited yet sharing memories with her made my day. She really enjoyed a photo book I put together with many photos of her beloved dog, Blackie. Thinking about Blackie always made her smile, even though he died twenty years ago she remembers him like it was today.

On the way to their house, last week tears started rolling down my face, I could not stop crying. It took a few minutes to figure out what was causing so much pain. My mind had switched from caregiver to granddaughter and realized my grandmother no longer knew me. We would not share our memories again. I knew the day would come and say prayers for the memories we shared. The realization was much harder to accept. I am in mourning and miss my grandmother so much.

Xx  M

Child Abuse · Mental Illness · Moving Forward · Parental Abuse · Sexual Abuse · Suicide · Survivor

Survivor & So Much More *First Posted 4/21/2014*

Looking for the Light14 Comments

I am alive, happy, productive and helping other Survivors. I’m very blessed.

My childhood and teenage years were so difficult I truly believed suicide was the only answer. My first attempt was at 9 years old, I took all the pills in my dad’s medicine cabinet. I got a buzz then my stomach pumped. Suicide was always on my mind since the abuse was every day. If it wasn’t physical abuse, it was constant mental abuse by my mother. At the same time, I saw my mother physically and emotionally abused by my alcoholic stepfather.

At 13 years old I left my abusive life behind. It sounds great but you are so wounded you don’t want to look anyone in the eye, they may hit you or call you names. My mind stripped down and filled with trash, my mother took every drop of confidence I had. Over time my confidence grew and I started building who I am today. I did get called names and had a couple good fights. Sounds like any teenager trying to spread their wings.

I have many unresolved emotions, responses, and fears. Who doesn’t? What I can say for sure, I’m a survivor and so much more. Survivors have to dig really deep after being kicked down. It took years for me to discover what I liked and longer to get over my fear of failure.

My mother told me I was stupid all the time. I know better when I look at the books I’ve read. I do research on the internet and find internal Medical presentations. Last week was a 155 page presentation by the FDA on ECT to the medical community. I didn’t just find it, I understood entirely and told my husband about it. I’m not stupid.

I love art, music, photography, interior design, ancient history, and archeology.  At the height of my career, I earned over 300K a year, #1 on the sales force.  I can grow beautiful roses, collect antique cameras. I love to travel and went to Russia by myself. I’m not stupid.

I’ve had over 20 ECT Treatments while battling the Black Dog, married three times and started drinking at 9  years old.  I’ve made plenty of mistakes while building the person I am today at 50 years old. I’m a survivor and so much more.

Warrior

Abuse · Child Abuse · Domestic Violence · Mental Illness · Moving Forward · Parental Abuse · Rape · Sexual Abuse · Suicide

A Mother’s Guilt

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eye      Daughter

My Birthday wish for You

I hope that every candle brings a new wish.

I hope the Smile that lights your face stays there all year-long.

I hope everything  you’ve dreamed it will come true.

I hope you know how much I love You

and how proud I am of you.

Happy Birthday With So Much Love.

Card from my Mother

You can’t give back what you took from my life.

Xx  M

Advocacy · Celebrate Life · Chronic Lyme Disease · Elderly · Moving Forward

I want all WP friends to join me for a large celebration, party hats, clowns, kazoos, dancing Queen

Looking for the Light5 Comments

I celebrate my 7th year blogging anniversary and turn 53 in four days. Neither occasion are important on their own. What make this year so special is I’m alive. So many of you prayed , sent well wishes yet never treated me different.

I started my first blog to help grieve my granny’s death. Flash forward, I’m blessed learning other cultures around the world. Blogging with millions of people at WP there are opportunities to learn, share and clarify the misunderstood. The most important lesson learned is people are generally good.

I’m free to write my thoughts, some will not agree, others will not. We need different perspectives to broaden our mind.

Thank you for making every year a good one. I appreciate the kind thoughts, asking how I’m doing and treating me normal. I hope to see you in the years to come.

Party On!!!!! Pass the milk please!

Hugs

Melinda

Bipolar Disorder · Depression · Men & Womens Health · Mental Illness · Survivor

How to participate once diagnosed with a Mental Illness

Looking for the Light22 Comments

Years after my diagnoses with Bipolar Disease. I thought it was time to participate in my medical care. To understand layman’s terms, what to expect and when to call doctor. Getting on the same page as you learn doctor speak and how they hear.

A proficient Psychiatrist with a background helping Mentally Ill patients. Please save your time and money going to General Doctor. Most are not versed in how drugs work together or not. Psychiatrist understand drugs, spend more time to make diagnoses and discuss the drugs to help.

A Therapist, my foundation in healing. The key to healing is understanding yourself. They can help take the weight you’re carrying around.

Don’t stop taking your medication. Medications cause side effects, the drugs you buy at CVS have side effects. Every drug has side effects. It may take 6-8 weeks for the medicine to level off. If you want to change a drug in a week, please understand, there are no short cuts. Short cuts not only prolong the treatment and can be dangerous. If you’re determined to stop medicine, Call your doctor first! If you become delusional, psychotic or determined to hurt yourself go to local hospital.

Keep a journal to document the changes in mood. Keeping a log helped my doctor see my mood was cycling. A medication change was needed.

There are many ideas on how people were helped or not by medicine. I will admit a couple of times a new drug to current mix sent me reeling. I am always on the internet reading about each drug especially now with Lyme medications. I’m sharing my experiences in hopes of helping someone.

🙂

M

Alcohol · Crazy? · Dating Violence · Moving Forward

Dear Mr Fantasy

Looking for the Light7 Comments

My fantasy about life with High School boyfriend started the day we met. Our relationship was on and off until my late 30’s. He had to marry me, then go back to wife. The last time we talked, he was moving out, filed for divorce, leased an apartment, later started to move in with me. I should include, I bought the ring $12,500, he would repay. HA!

He gave new meaning to word jealous. I went to FL for business, had several presentations to finish. I stayed over a Saturday for the discount. The baby man said “I stayed over Saturday instead of paying more to be with him” I watched the Stars go for second Stanley Cup.

One afternoon his wife wanted to talk. Be gone a hour or two. At 11:00PM, I called asking when coming home? Reply, later! I had to restrain from hurling my favorite pissed off words. He laid key on table, said he was going back to wife. After he left, I bursted in tears and threw his stuff on the porch.

He emailed me the secret years later. His view, if you accuse someone of cheating, you get free pass. He didn’t go back to wife, the free pass got pregnant. She worked for him at Police Department. He would lie before tell the truth. Fantasy over! My choice last words, fuck off.

We fell “love at first sight” in 9th grade, his mask melted many years later.  I’m blessed a detour changed my path.

Xx  M

 

Bipolar Disorder · Child Abuse · Sexual Abuse · Suicide · Survivor · Therapy

What’s Love Got To Do With It?

Looking for the Light23 Comments

Original post 5/2014

We do things for people we love not for those who do not deserve love.

I woke today with a tug, my introspective mood. I save difficult post for days like this. It’s not depression or sadness more logical than emotional. Dissociation is a conversation my therapist and I have talked about for 15 years. When I talk about child abuse at the hands of my mother and stepfather my mood is flat.

One of the ways I survived was putting each memory in a box to deal with later. After awhile some memories fade. Other’s are  yearly reminders. My mother still sends Birthday and Christmas cards. About 15 years ago she sent a Birthday card triggering the last blow. She basically said “I’m not the only person with problems get over it.” Nothing ever changes, everything is about her. I had not thought about my mother yet would send thank you notes for Christmas gifts.

I didn’t think about it, just on auto pilot. This Birthday card was different, it pissed me off almost to almost losing it which I rarely do. I took the card to my next therapy appointment. I sit down and Diane knew something was very wrong. I handed her the card and the inscription written in the book. Diane was a cool therapist, she knew me well. She could tell the anger was building and ask what was my next step. I throw them in trash and send her a thank you card.

She pulled my reins in and asked why I would thank my Mother for kicking me in the gut. She helped me see I was being polite, acting the way my grandparents taught me. Diane turned around throwing them in trash saying my mother didn’t deserve me. Did I want to send a card? Was I doing the expected? I realized two things: I would no longer have contact with my mother, not open the cards, throw them with the $25 check in the trash. She helped me see I was in my own chains.

I felt much lighter after making that decision. The other lesson learned: I’m not flying auto pilot anymore. I thought about the waisted energy and looked forward to my liberated self. I didn’t have any contact with her again until my brother’s wedding. Years had past, the older me asked, I would not look back and know I missed his wedding because of her. It was uncomfortable seeing my other grandmother and her. I answered the obligatory “fine” then turned my chair so she could see my back. It sent the message, I was not interested in talking. Flash forward to May 22, 2014. Karma. My mother told me at least once a day how stupid I was. I laughed when I receive notice my Andy Warhol “So Smart” shipped today.

My father sexually abused me, estranged from the age of 14. We saw each other some holiday gathers. My father was belligerent, anything could push him to out of control crazy. He would get so worked up, my grandmother would tell him to go outside. The smallest detail could get him to a point of making him sick.

I now realize this behavior was part of his mental illness. He was my grandmother’s only child, in many ways she still treated him like a child. I didn’t learn how sick my father was until he committed suicide in 1992. Ten years before his death, one of his roommate’s committed suicide in the bedroom he rented with my dads gun.

My dad was distraught and my grandmother didn’t want him to clean the room. She called me at work to tell me what happened and they were going over. Here is where the two situations are dramatically different. Horrified at the thought of my grandmother cleaning up the blood. I said I would meet them there. My grandfather tried to redirect my father’s thoughts. We cleaned and packed his room for family.

Cleaning after a suicide brings many emotions out. My grandmother and I worked without talking, it didn’t occur to me that he could have HIV/AIDS. It was a couple of days when my brain thawed, the question crossed my mind. My grandmother cleaned houses to have money, She wanted me to have nicer clothes for school. She knew how to clean anything from house cleaning.

We had to decide what to do with the mattress. Answer’s don’t roll out to questions like this. We could not leave it in the house, my grandfather took the blood soaked mattress to the curb for city to pick up. The image of neighborhood kids playing seeing the blood, ate at me but I had bigger things to do. I brought black trash bags in for his belongings.  It was difficult going thru his dresser, I found 14 pennies which took my mind to a dark place. This person was alive yesterday and today his parents are picking up three trash bags, all their son owned. I fixated on the 14 pennies. He didn’t have any money in wallet, was 14 pennies what it came to? Is all that’s left of this person’s life, three trash bags? The thought of handing trash bags to his parents bothered me for days. Was this it? Someone’s life could come down to three trash bags.

I thought about how any times I attempted suicide. My mind switched to what I would leave behind. I don’t want my family to see? After the brain thawed, I started going thru my house throwing items in the trash. Mainly my journals, my grandparents did not know about the sexual abuse and they would go to their graves not knowing.

For a time I was outside of my body, the only way to describe is dissociation. I knew if my grandmother knew it would upset her. The same way we dealt with my father’s death. I believe this is one of the reason it took me 7 years to grieve before packing the feelings away.

I realized this was unconditional love coming from me. Arriving at the house after my father shot himself, I wanted to see the bathroom. In the bathroom was proof he is dead. I knew having a closed casket would cause my grandmother more pain than I could understand. Thinking I could handle anything, same as today. I’d planned to tell her I forgot something once we got outside. Then open the bathroom. She was to smart for that, she said if you’re going in I’m going with you. There was no way I would let her in the bathroom. I think any parent would break beyond repair seeing their childs brains on the wall. My love for my grandmother came before my wish. I knew it would be difficult to reconcile death with a closed casket.

I stopped by after work to get her mind on something else. It didn’t make it less painful just a reprieve from the pain. I never let her see me cry or it would set her off. The long grieving process was in part due to pushing feelings down for my grandmother.

Some people never give or get unconditional love. I’m blessed with unconditional love with my grandparents. With anyone. Love has everything to do with it.

Warrior